Moving Blues Straining My Marriage

I really like this. There are some insightful and well-spoken people on this forum!
I tend to be kind of an austere, overly analytical person also, at least, that's what I've been told for the past 17 years. I really struggle to convey empathy, even if I'm feeling it and trying hard. Someone else on here suggested removing the emotion from the decision. I think pairing your non-confrontational approach with that would help me make some progress toward a compromise with my wife.

I know from the NFL thread and your personal title, you're in MO, maybe even near KC. Are you familiar with KC's Old Northeast? Pendleton Heights neighborhood? That's where I live. Wife wants to move to Overland Park/Lenexa area. My compromise area is like Roeland Park/Merriam. That seems reasonable to me.

 

The important thing here is that we are Chiefs fans.

I was born in Kansas City, Missouri. However, I haven't lived there for a long time, and I don't want to be part of the problem, so I am not going to tell you what I think about what area I like. [I am in Kansas City about 4-5 times a year.]

I believe in you, @BlackSheep!

 

hahahaha, fair enough. How 'bout them CHIIIIIIEEEEEEEFFFFFFSSSSSS

 

Why can't we 'triple like' something? [That's a forum weakness.]

 

#redkingdom
#showtimemahomes
#pattycakemakeitshake

 

Happy spouse, happy house. You both need to talk things through and be happy with the decisions.

 

ok. i am creating a new one. Happy man, that's the plan

 

This is a good point. When we lived in Central Florida(which is a dump IMO) even the houses in the gated neighborhoods were getting robbed. It can happen anywhere. That being said, I'm not sure I'd want to live next to a section 8 neighborhood. I'd have to see it before I judged.

I do want to add that the happy wife thing is very low effort. The best course of action is to simply talk this out with your wife. Communication is better than some cliche saying about making your wife happy while you suffer.

 

Hey OP
Your about to die on the wrong hill

 

I'm not trying to sound rude or add to your misery. But this idea of a happy wife, happy life, is bullshit and nonsense. I feel sorry for all the guys that live by that. If you do, then you lost your balls. Dig deep inside and you will find out that a woman made up this sentence. My opinion is that guys that live by that, you should expect what's coming.
I'm old school. I work and earn a living. My wife is a housewife and takes care of my for kids. I buy what I want, I live where I want. I make all the financial decisions 100%. Some may say that my wife is not capable. But I tell you that my wife has a master's degree in business and extremely smart person. Before we had the kids, she was making over $150k a year. I chose not to have that money which will eventually comes with attitude and problems. But instead, she is a home Mom and I have an easy life. We never have any issues or argue about anything. She does her thing, and I do mine. I guess you can call me The last of the Mohicans.
Now I know some will have no choice but to have their wife's work due to their financial situation. But with that, you will have much bigger issues to deal with.
Unfortunately your situation is very difficult. And based from what I see, you will probably end up doing exactly what she wants. All the comments here are well-intended to help you, but unfortunately, based on your relationship and what you explained, you will do exactly what she wants in the end. So just get it done and not complicate things between you any further.
And if things does not work out, you can always blame her.

 

This advice is worth what you paid for it It sounds like your wife is scared, some things happened that worried her and she's feeling vulnerable. I'm guessing by your comment that she's also not feeling heard by you and that multiplies her fears. Is there a way you can let her know that you hear her, see her and treasure her? Let her know that she really does matter and you are a team?

Let her express her fears and just listen (put the man "fix it" hammer away) and just listen. Let her voice all of her concerns, let it all come out, and then tell her how much it means to you that she can trust you with the most vulnerable and intimate parts of her. Then hug her.

Talk about the move decision later after she knows she's been heard.

If you're willing to really go out on the vulnerability limb, watch the Brene Brown video on netflix with her. Then tell her you feel exactly the same way about her as Brene Brown does about her husband. (you can thank me later for the masive good guy points you'll earn from that)

 

Well yea. Why rob neighbors of the less fortunate? If I was a crook I would be heading to upscale neighborhoods banking on the fact the payout would be higher. You invited crime by your success.

 

Compromise is just a fancy word for "neither one of you get what you want." If everyone compromised every time a man wanted to buy a truck and the woman wanted to buy a compact car... They would all be buying fricken Honda Ridgelines!!!!! Personally, I'd rather get what I really want half the time than kinda sorta not really get what I want all of the time. For this situation, there really isn't much to compromise, someone's going to have to give in. It's either the city or the burbs. One of you will have to make the sacrifice and hopefully knowing how happy it'll make the other will be enough for that person and they won't hold a grudge. If neither is willing, this is probably not going to turn out well.

 

Damn. Savage, dude.
Hang on, I need to go back and find my balls, evidently it's been a while since I last checked to see if they were there...
You don't know my relationship. My wife and I have overcome a lot that would have torn apart plenty of other marriages. I don't need to enumerate all that here, though. This won't break us. She's just being more of an emotional basket case than usual, so I thought I should get some other perspectives, to make sure I'm not being a dick and really making her life hell.

 

U said she thinks ur nuts cuz ur tundra right? Just tell her that the location she wants has a shit tons of tundras and they will be over often if she picks that place haha maybe that will change her mind?

 

Don't worry, I won't die on this hill. Although, she did promise me she wasn't going to drag me out of the city again. That was a foolish promise for her to make, but I actually believed it for a while.

This IS important, though. If you read through this thread, you'll find there are a lot of people who hate big cities and don't care what happens to the people in them. But the people there are people, just as you and I. Many of them don't even know the opportunities they're missing out on because they are too mired in poverty. The cycle will never be broken unless people step up and change the status quo.

 

Crime, drugs etc is in every small town and big city no matter what. I live in a town with 4 different law enforcement agencies patrolling and their is still crime.
Situations change in marriages, especially once their are kids involved.
As others have stated, sit down and have a heart to heart, pros vs cons discussion with her. If you're a man of faith, pray for God to lead you in the proper direction.
I see living in an urban area as something cool to do, but you also don't want to be the last man standing when the neighbors house becomes a meth lab...lol...
I'd put kids education and safety first before ANY 30 minute commute. Then, how does your wife feel in the neighborhood. Does she feel safe and at home at all times?
Make sure it's not just her sister talking in her ear, and that these are independent thoughts she is having.
Most importantly, good luck.

 

I’ve seen a few, “happy wife happy life,” mentions and i don’t subscribe this at all! I actually resent it. What you have is a partnership, show her the letter you wrote to us and figure out what works for the two of you. Family happiness is far better then worrying about a commute. Just my 2cents.

edit...I read all the posts now, I still have the same opinion though. Way more happy wife mentions then I figured, lol. I feel for a lot of guys in here, lol. I’m not sure if you have opened up to her like you did in here, something to think about.

 

And I feel for the guys who don’t have the kind of relationship where the “happy wife, happy life” axiom doesn’t make sense. It also seems to me that a lot of the guys who would agree with the happy wife thing have more traditional household roles. Maybe it’s a generational thing. It makes me smile every day to see individual lunches packed with love (and labeled) when I open the fridge door to go to work. My wife takes the time to write notes to me (and my boys) every day and puts them in our lunches. Dinner is always hot, freshly made and on the table. Bed time routines have been in place since the kids were in elementary school. She’s never missed a school event and has been an absolute constant in all of our lives. I get to go snowmobiling, hunting, whatever. No worries. No questions asked. There have been times she asked me to come home early for a family party or to be around for some event. I always oblige. Why not? Sure it’s all Ozzie and Harriet for me, and I know life isn’t like that for everyone. But I learned long ago that for the most part you can have anything you want, but you can’t have everything you want. It sounds like your wife wasn’t 100% on board with living in the city at the outset of your relationship but gave it a chance, she liked it for awhile but has found other (being closer to family, safety, maybe schools?) things are pulling her back to the suburbs. I don’t see how you giving suburban life a try at this point in return for her giving city living a chance is somehow you setting aside a storage space for your balls in her purse. That just sounds to me like two people respecting each other’s wishes, compromising and doing what’s best for the whole family as you make your way through life. That’s how good marriages seem to work. IMO anyway.

 

"I’ve seen a few, “happy wife happy life,” mentions and i don’t subscribe this at all! I actually resent it. plinyyounger said:" So you do nothing to make your wife Happy? I'm against the whole kiss her ass to make her happy, but doing things for each other seems part of the deal. It's an equal balance, I do things to make her happy, she does in return..........and we dont keep score.

 

First, I’d pray about it if I were you. Pray together as a couple. There is zero reason to resent her or the idea of moving a littler further away to keep your family safer. I do see your side of the story also. Your used to where you are and you like it. Sometimes growing a little bit and getting uncomfortable can be the biggest blessing. I grew up in the country down an old gravel road full of pot holes and mud. I could step off the back porch and pee anytime I wanted. My wife grew up in town. We searched for a house in the country but financially we couldn’t do it. We found a house in town in a nice little neighborhood. The cool houses are downtown but like most downtowns it’s pretty rough. I resisted a little bit moving to town. My wife was afraid I was going to resent her for it. I was moving away from work and I now have to drive in some rush hour traffic. Let me tell you this, it has been one of the best decisions I made. I trusted in God that this is where he wanted me for now. Do I still want to get back to the country? Oh absolutely. She does too since she got a little taste of living in a rent house we had in the country. Happy wife happy life is a great and true saying in some ways if it’s a give and take relationship. You have to give so does she. Find a middle ground and stand on it. Don’t let a neighborhood ruin your marriage. It’s one thing if you don’t have kids. You have two. They would resent you because old dad didn’t want to sacrifice for us by moving 30 minutes away. Think I’m wrong? Just see. I’ve experienced divorce first hand and it is terrible to watch the people you love go through something preventable. I’m not judging you or trying to tell you what to do I’m just giving my opinion. Like others have stated, nobody knows your marriage like you and your wife. We are just looking in from the outside. I hope it works out I really do. Just remember when you think you have it rough I assure you that others have made it through a lot worse and are better off for it.

 

I don’t have much to offer further than what’s already been said. But I can tell you that no matter how new your house is. There’s always going to be an endless supply of Home-improvement projects. There’s always a piece of trim that needs painting or cabinet that needs adjusting etc. There’s always something that you’d like to change or needs attention. Just when you think it’s all buttoned up I’ll bet you can find something else. Some of the newer homes are slapped together pretty hastily. Then you have to contend with things like poor workmanship. I couldn’t tell you how many slab leaks I’ve been on in a fairly new home.

 

Yeah...the life you describe as yours is certainly no the life for everyone. My wife and I were both brought up in the sticks, raised by stay-at-home moms with working dads. I get the appeal of it. At the same time, I would never sign up to be a stay-at-home dad, and will never ask that of my wife. Both sets of our parents divorced upon becoming empty nesters. Our mothers' whole existence was tied up in the kids, and once we were all were out of the house, they drove our dads absolutely nuts. Does it have to be this way? Of course not. But it happens a lot.

My wife WAS a stay-at-home mom until both our kids were in elementary school. It was a decision we made mutually, and was necessary because we refused to let day-cares raise our kids. But it was tough, and we were pretty poor. They drained her emotionally and mentally every day, and she about went stir crazy being in the house so much for years. I insisted for her sake during those years that she develop an interest that she could monetize once the kids needed her less. Now, she has a career she absolutely loves. Why? Because she was able to explore and cultivate her interests without the pressure of providing for a family. If you ask me, that's much healthier and better long-term than ironing clothes and knitting socks all the time. We alternate getting the kids to school and homework and dinner duties, pretty much all "housewife" duties, actually. I guess you could say I stand a little taller when other guys look at me wide-eyed and say "you know how to cook and fold laundry, AND clean the toilets?" Oh, and we each take one evening a week off away from home to do whatever the hell we want, so it's not like we don't have time for ourselves. You make it sound like you get to go have all the fun while your wife is stuck parenting and wife-ing. I could never do that to mine.

As for her "trying out" city living and me "trying out" suburban living, I already mentioned that she is the one who fell in love with our house. She wanted to be in the city; it's where we work and where most of our friends live. We weren't even looking to move at the time. I had never pressured her to move to the city during the whole time we lived in Independence, which, mind you, is suburban. 1,700 SF house with a front and back yard and detached garage. And prior that, I had lived in another local suburb for three years, so I'm no stranger to the lifestyle, and know for a fact I don't like it. I'll end up there again, though, because I do value my marriage more than a certain lifestyle. It will suck; the commutes will suck, having reclusive neighbors will suck, having to mow a yard every week will suck, but in the end, I don't care about all that stuff as much as she'll enjoy being comfortable at home, so it'll be worth it, for a while, at least.

 

Yep, yep, and yep. I've lived in four different houses built since the 80s, and they ALL had problems, mostly related poor construction quality or previous owners screwing things up and putting a band-aid on it to sell. She'll figure it out soon enough.

 

Yep OP. Agree with all you said. Everyone is different. Everyone values and gets meaning from life in different ways. My wife has a Masters degree in literacy and a BA in elementary education. She might decide to return to the classroom but I doubt it. But if she does, I’ll be there supporting her. There’s no doubt she’s sacrificed an incredible amount for our family and I love her for it. For us, it worked. I truly hope you guys can find that place where you’re both happy.

 

Op, what if you agree, but the house you are in does not sell? What If you are actually so upside down on the note, you lose too much money? Is her Idea even feasible financially? 2 years unto a home is not long payment wise, assuming you have a 30 year loan, like most normal people. (Champaign taste on a beer budget?)

 

Ah, I thought from an earlier post that you said she was pretty highly educated and gave up a career to take on the role she has. I both admire and don't understand her for that lol. It is such a hard and demanding thing, and can be a solitary existence. My wife was raised to be a mom and wife, and thought that's what she wanted to be. I married her when she was 19, so she didn't have any skills upon which to build a career outside the home, but I was adamant that she have a back-up plan to fall back on in case we ended up not working out. I'm glad she has found something.

Everyone does value life and get meaning from it a little differently. My comments to you, upon reading them, are a little disparaging, for which I apologize. I have pushed back in this thread against the notion that I don't love or want the best for my kids because I prefer raising them in the city. In my view, which I have considered thoughtfully, that will give them the best overall set of tools to succeed as adults.

This thread has served its purpose for me. Typing everything out has helped me kind of see where I'm at with all of it, and begin to let go of the house and lifestyle of the city. Lots of conversations to be had with the wife, for sure, but hopefully, we'll be coming closer together than further apart.

 

I mean, anything is possible. We've had four realtors give us their opinion, and the KC market is pretty hot right now. Even the lowest price point we were given would let us pocket almost $50k. If it doesn't sell, I guess we stay put and my wife continues to feel like she does. I'd be very surprised if that happens though. Our house is pretty badass, and one of a very few of its kind in the area.

I'm more worried about whether what she wants is even financially feasible. She wants a house that costs $50k more than what we plan to sell ours for, and our mortgage payment already stretches us. Add extra costs in for higher property taxes, gas for commuting, HOA which we don't currently have...it could get very expensive. We don't plan on buying immediately after selling, though. So, a lot can change in the interim.

 

Lol, not even close to why I don’t agree with the saying. Lets not hijack the thread. Chivalry has nothing to do with that saying. It’s disrespectful if I used it toward somebody I love.