Moving Blues Straining My Marriage

I like how Dr Drew puts it. If one spouse wins, everyone loses.


I hope you two come to a great agreement. Happy wife happy life is the stupidest saying, its a cop out for our modern society that hates men. Ive been married 8 years myself. I know how difficult your situation is OP. Best wishes

 

Most every chiming in thinks I should acquiesce to my wife's desire to relocate.

I wonder if that would still be true if I was the one who wanted to move out of the city and she wanted to stay. Or if we were in the burbs now, and I wanted to stay there but she wanted to move into the city.

I appreciate all the thoughts and opinions from everyone, it certainly isn't an easy situation. This was supposed to be our dream home, but my wife is changing her dreams.

The silver lining in all this is that we likely have a ton of sweat equity in the house and can probably net enough from its sale to pay off all our consumer debts and still have a nice chunk to put down on the next place.

 

Well I wish the best for you man. We now live in my wife's "dream" home she always wanted to live here sence high school. We have had 5 homes sence we have been married for 15 yrs . We lived here a total of 2 yrs and she wanted to add on to it. 40k later I absolutely love our house we have 1.5 acres and a 3 car garage that my truck fits into. Just 3 weeks ago she started looking at homes again. I have stood my ground so far and not letting up. But keep in mind I also have 9 cameras on my home for when I'm gone. 2 are even inside. I personally enjoy letting my wife get what she wants but there is a time and place for it. If it makes more sence to stay we are not going anywhere. one thing I always keep in mind is the housing market. For instance she had almost got me to put our place up for sale because literally we would make close to 75k on it right now. But I would have to invest all of that to even come close to what we have here. And I would probably have to park my truck outside and no way forget that. Not many garages can fit a long bed truck. With it lifted also.

 

Blacksheep, I don’t think you should give into her wims..as I see it. You had an agreement with her to stay there until the kids graduated and now she is backing out on it and is not being reasonable. You have given her options that you would be ok with and it seems her main concern is to be close to her sister....regardless of how it makes you feel. She is being selfish.

 

A lot has been said about "Happy wife, happy life". It all depends on how that happiness is achieved. If she always get her wishes and the husband has no say in any matter; she may be happy and he might live in peace... but it is superficial and will not last. The man is the head of the household. The wife is not under him, but alongside him, working with him, not against him. Because he loves and respects her he wants to give her what she wants. That is different than just giving her what she wants so she can be happy and shut up. Big difference.
OP, you have to sit down with her and work through all the options - schools, crime, urban vs suburban, commute, etc. Also keep in mind that eventually the kids will be out of the house - you might want to consider that this new house will be long term, so in that case it is not all about the kids, although it is important now. Come to an agreement together. If you can't agree, stay where you are until you are on the same page on where to go.

 

Well I would be living in Arizona if I had any choice, but I stay here in RI for her, but also friends and family. Other than that I irritate her and get my way...................sometimes. I say "All to There Own," but last place I would ever live is inner city.

 

You are on the right path. I have been married 25 years. Happy Wife Happy Life did not work for about 20 years of those. She got what she wanted but the happiness was not real. We now have a relationship where we make all decisions together, she respects me and she is even happier with decisions that I make rather than her; she realized that it makes her happier when I am aboard than if I let her get what she wants and I am not included.
OP can work this out. But it has to be a mutual decision; compromises on both sides. "Ask me how I know...."

 

Because this haha I personally ask before doing and never do then ask for forgiveness later lol. And you are 100% right on your input its something some people do not realize right away but a true relationship starts with 2 not 1.

 

Exactly. My wife tries to implement that now and again, but I always push back. To me, "happy wife, happy life" means bowing down and catering to the lady's every wish/want. I think that is BS and it will eventually make you resentful towards her. In a marriage, both parties are equal and there must be respect and compromise between the two.

My wife and I have had to make very difficult decisions over the course of our marriage. One method that we have used is to literally write down all the pros and cons on a sheet of paper. Take a piece of paper, draw a line down the middle and write "pros" on one side and "cons" on the other side. Then write down everything that you can think of. When you are done, look at the list. Is one side longer than the other? Do specific items have more weight over the others? Sometimes, after just seeing the list, the decision becomes obvious. My wife is a visual learner so this method is very helpful for her. It has helped her understand my point of view and it makes her feel that her concerns have been heard, addressed, and understood. Sometimes, just understanding your spouse can make compromise easier (from both sides).

Good luck.

 

Yeah, sometimes a guy needs to compromise. Its part of marriage. Gotta have good communication and be on the same page most of the time though.

I agree about inner city living. I live in a city of under 60,000. Its perfect for me. Anything bigger quickly becomes my personal version of hell. We make a trip to the big city of 1 million about twice a year. After two days, I become a rabid misanthropist.

 

I think it will be a massive mistake to move to just be close to her sister. That will get old in no time. Compromise if you can but don’t cave or you’ll be miserable. I’m all for happy wife, but I’m all for happy me as well.
Good luck.

 

Happy wife. Happy life. I’m on that bandwagon 110%. I’d do anything for my wife, she and my kids are my whole world. Sounds like your wife gave living in the city a chance and doesn’t like it for a multitude of rational reasons. I’d say it’s fair you give her suburban lifestyle a chance. IDK, maybe I’m old fashioned, but if my wife approached me in this situation and wanted to move, I’d tell her to find a house that makes her happy. That said, my wife and I have very traditional roles. She takes care of the kids, the house and me. I take care of everything else. That probably doesn’t work for everyone.

 

17 years, raised 2 kids, and my wife's the happiest she has ever been , because it keeps getting better because of compromise and building on the relationship. Not because either one of us kisses each others ass, more so we accept and respect our differences. We never had a bad point in 17 years, just normal disagreement that we work out.

 

Here’s a thought... why do you have to move, why can’t the sister move closer to you all??


In any event, if y’all aren’t on the same page then that’s gonna be a problem down the road. One of you may compromise and resent it and it will only get worse. I’ve done the long commute (72 mi one-way for 4-1/2 years) because I changed jobs and had a good house in a good rural area and didn’t want to move closer to a more populated area. It was worth it to me. Now, I work from home for the past 5 years. It has its ups and downs like everything.


Communication is critical, and taking time to really assess your situation, count your blessings, listen to and validating each other’s wants and needs is the key. A couple of lessons Ive learned in life:

1. be careful what you ask for, you just might get it.
2. Life is full of signs, learn to spot the signs and follow them.

It took me a while to figure this last one out: in retrospect I had a lot of signs that life was giving me and I failed to recognize and follow them. Now that I know how to spot and follow the signs from life, things are really good.

Good luck, hope you work out a win win solution.

 

In the past 25 years, I've lived in three different countries and eight different states in the US. Been married for 20 of those years with kids. If you're only going to be 20 minutes away from where you're currently at; does it really matter? Keep your wife happy and go enjoy and learn a new environment with new people. It keeps life exciting.

 

It's very interesting to me how people's personal preferences can be so different. Some on here vehemently detest the city, most are at least ambivalent to it. I guess I picked a good handle on this forum, because I don't really seem to fit the mold.

A big part of my college curriculum for planning was psychology based, learning to study people's behaviors in public, to facilitate creating spaces for them to interact. I suppose I should be well equipped to apply the same lessons to my wife!

 

I can’t argue with any of that and I live in the burbs. But, I’m equally disgusted by city living as well.

I worked daily in Denver and the crap I saw on a regular basis was disturbing. No way in hell I would raise my kids around that crap. I’m sure MO is just as bad and possibly worse. We can tell ourselves it’s not that bad and crime really isn’t to terrible but your fooling yourself. I’d venture to guess I go my entire life where I live without a methed up whacko waving a gun around in front of my house.

 

What if you moved from downtown but not the 20/30min distance or area you're looking at now? You wouldn't have as far to travel to work, you'd be closer to her sister, and houses potentially maybe better deals since you're closer to city??

 

I of course understand the sentiment. But understand mine. Old urban neighborhoods are some of the most historically and culturally rich areas in the US. Many of them saw decline for the last 50 years of the 1900s. There is still much to save in them, though. They should not be written off as hotbeds of crime and depravity. If they are, nothing will ever change. People who care must shoulder the burden of standing up to the crime to make a difference.

My house 30 years ago was worth about $50k. Ten years ago, a few years into the neighborhoods' resurgence, it sold for $185k. I bought it two years ago for about $250k. Now, multiple real estate agents are telling me I can list it right now for north of $350k, with all the work my wife and I have done to it. The whole neighborhood is like this. Why the hell do people want to just run to the suburbs to have the illusion of space, safety, and affluence? To me, it lacks substance.

 

Acquiescence is not the same as compromise , obviously, and generally comes with resentment. So please be careful.
I'm on my second marriage and here are some things i've learned.

-We are all fools if we think people won't change.
-It's unrealistic to think somebody won't have a change of mind or heart on a matter and even more unrealistic to hold them to it.
-You grow together or you grow apart.
-Usually a change of opinion or feeling the need for a drastic change is spurred on by stress with the current situation and not being able to see a a practical solution.

Really take your time, like others have suggested, and make some lists. What REALLY matters to you and in the grand scheme of things are all the little annoyances that big of a deal or not?

Think outside of the box and some creative compromises. Can you rent your place in the city and rent out a house in the suburbs so you can test drive a neighborhood and style of living ? You may find it's not all that bad. She may find out that it's not all that good.

 

I love the history and culture of the city but I wouldn’t want to raise my kids there. I’m not judging you. I’m just stating my view point.

 

I see a lot of wisdom here. Yes, people change, my wife is Exhibit A over the past 12 years!
I know I can't hold my wife to living in the city. I knew those days were numbered the day that dumbass flashed his piece on my sidewalk. I am not opposed to selling the house, I am only opposed to where specifically my wife wants to move. It will be such a culture shock.
You're spot on with the insight about stress and feeling trapped motivating my wife to make this change. She feels like the home improvement projects will never end.

 

I would have my wife read this entire thread. All of your questions, and hopefully hers, are answered in many different ways here.

My wife and I can debate anything... But when it comes to major decisions, EVERYTHING is considered and reconsidered from all sides. A priority list is a good way to see what is common ground, and what is not.

Balance is key, and only comes from conversations that are honest and compromising. Usually we keep coming back to something that leads us to a mutually agreeable, non-regretable, solution.

There is no Happy unless you are BOTH happy.

 

I would keep a good distance from family. Like you said if things go south you cant move your house.

 

I like where you're going with this, but there is no way I'm having my wife read this thread. She thinks I'm nuts because of my Tundra, I'm sure she thinks all of you suffer from the same condition!

 

Lol

BUT, it might help her see some things posted by others that she would NEVER listen to you about... It could be just the thing to break through... ?

And you are nuts because of your Tundra.... But not because of where you want to call home.

 

I have moved, lived and bought houses 7 times in 5 different states. I like the older eclectic houses. I am really attracted to them, and currently I live in an old Boy Scout Lodge that was converted to house. It is by now means traditional. I went from 4000 ft to 1400 ft. The son is now out of college, so that is a different situation than you have.
I agree with all of the pro and con advice. The one piece that has not gotten a lot of attention is the time element. I literally draw a circle around where I am going to be working and set that as where I want to find a house. The 20 minute additional on a commute is 40 minutes a day, 200 minutes a week, and 10,400 minutes a year, without days off. Double that if it is going to add to your wife's commute.
Time is one thing that cannot be bought or overcome. The time away also has a bit of an exponential to it since it requires more time to fill up, more time for vehicle maintenance, more time to get to appointments.

If the pro and con exercise leads you two to decide to relo, find something in town that you can build up more sweat equity. Your recent post suggests it may be a good time to sell, and the real estate market can be fickle. The gains you made may not be worth as much in a few short years. Something to think about. And if as you said you all have done a lot work on this house, that is something that seems to get into someone's blood. I do mind buying the diamond in the rough and working on it. My father expressed to me years ago, to buy the worst house in the best neighborhood and get to work.

Best of luck.

 

The time component was one of the factors that swayed my wife toward the city two years ago. And it is one that will impact our lives immensely if we move away. Both of us work within ten minutes of home (that's during rush hour or any other time of day, because we take surface streets). Our son's football facility is three minutes away, and daughter's BJJ studio is ten minutes away. All of these drives will triple or more in commute time if we move out of the city, and yes, lots more wear and tear on the vehicles, too.

 

CORE VALUE: Your job is to provide and protect, which is to create a safe, nurturing environment for your family; that's not debatable in my book.

In my life, there have been a lot of times when, if I hadn't listened to my wife, I would have missed something important. There have been a few times when, if I hadn't asserted myself, we would have made a mistake.

Nobody knows your marriage and life, but the two of you, and what you two think is really the only thing that matters.

Of course, without agreement in marriage, life is miserable.

Here's my idea of problem-solving this idea.

• I would start by saying to my wife, "I care about you, and I am willing to do whatever it takes to make sure our family is in the best position to thrive. Let's start gathering facts and work together to solve this problem. If it's better to move, I am willing to move. Then, conduct the analysis and consider ALL the facts. Ask her what she thinks in this process. Listen to her. Understand her reasoning. If you have concerns, state them this way, "So, even though ..., you still think this is a good idea?" [Something like that.]
• This is a good strategy because the problem may resolve itself.

One thing I can tell you for sure: most people are more successful and financially prosperous in the long run if they stay married. [Just something I have observed over the years.] Moreover, this principle extends to the children too: their life is generally better in terms of natural prosperity as well.

To me, what should bind the two of you together is to make a decision that is in the best interests of the children. Put THEM at the forefront of the decision. [Admittedly, that's a value judgment, but I subscribe to it, as it meets my CORE VALUE. [Your core value is what will drive your analytic process.]

Now, all that said, every piece of advice you are going to get here is total B.S. [including mine] for one, simple reason: even though I am overly analytical [that's what people say, if there is such a thing], people make emotional decisions. They may say they don't, but they do. The analytical process is just a filter that smart people use to avoid making bad, impulsive decisions.

Let's be honest here: you have all the answers; this is a test of the heart.

What does your heart say, and do those emotions line up with what you know to be true about marriage, children, and life?

P.S. Most good decisions begin with an act of faith. Hopefully, you and your wife have faith in the same thing because, if not, you don't have a 'move or don't move' problem. You have a marriage problem. And if that's true, you will have to work on your marriage first before you make the moving decision.

Blessings!

 

Well. On this, she’s right!