Parents helping their kids - "What do you want to be" discussion

We just did the best we could & prayed to god no one ended up in jail. That being said, our boys grew up knowing there were expectations. It was explained that while college is not for everyone, some type of higher education was gonna be a goal. Chores outside the house & in the house were assigned & were age appropriate because it was explained nothing comes for free. We worked together a lot. Our boys grew up knowing how to cook, clean & do laundry. (I didn’t want them running loose in the world starving, dirty or naked). If we had had some daughters I’m sure they would have known which end of a wrench to use. Money management was discussed but ultimately what they spent their money on was their choice. There were no allowances handed out in our household but the boys were paid ‘ wages’ for stacking hay, helping with branding, & other ranch chores. If they wanted something outside of the norm they had to save up for it. Household chores were what we all did as a group to keep our home livable. The boys all had savings accounts & the reason why it’s ok to save some money was explained. As parents, we led by example. We helped each other out & we treated each other with respect. Yes, we argued in front of the boys but we made sure to show some give & take.
Was it a perfect life? Oh hell no! But everyone grew up to adulthood with minimal trips to the ER & the principal’s office. As an added bonus, most of the time our boys made the right decisions. I will say there were times when I had to bite my tongue or shake my head when I heard what had taken place but as parents we both realized sometimes experience is a good teacher.
One thing I insisted on was eating a meal as a family as many nights as we could. It seemed that when the kids were at the table eating they were more open to talking about their activities, friends & interests.
The gist of this long winded lecture is if your kids have been given the tools to succeed, have your support & love, & have an idea of how the world works, the right occupations & lifestyles will eventually find them.

 

Yup.

 

I don't know if it's still applicable these days but my uncle wasn't able to become a vet ~45 years ago essentially because he didn't look for a summer job at a vet office or otherwise working with animals. He spent the summer working on an oil rig instead to help save up for school. So when he went for his entrance interview for university, the interviewer basically said "fuck you, you're making more money than I am".

 

This. One of the biggest changes I made is the 'wages' vs 'allowance' thing. If I occasionally splurge on something, it's because I can afford it, have saved up for it, etc. I do the same with my son. He's been wanting a gaming computer, and prior to now his grades were atrocious. I told him "Bring your grades up - and I don't mean from a 59 to a 67" (LOL) and we can build you one.

Report cards are about to come out, and whereas in the past he had D's and F's at times, now he's got an A, two B's and a C, and his lowest grade is in Algebra (which I don't exactly blame him for). I've made it clear that he's getting a computer because he busted his @$$ for it, did a good job, etc.

I've ALSO made it clear that much like I don't play games if I need to [insert domestic chore here], neither will he if he slacks on his chores.

 

My wife is a physical therapist and works at a children's hospital. They have an explorers program for high school kids to go in once a month and shadow doctors or listen to presentations about the options. Great program.

Absolutely get as many vet volunteer hours as possible. It might reinforce her interest or she might realize it is not really what she thought it was.
I went to dental school for 6 months and realized I had no idea what it really entailed and that I didn't want to do that for the rest of my life. Against my mom's wishes I quit and went to engineering school. I absolutely love my job.

 

I just asked my 16 yo kid last week. She said an NFL cheerleader.

 

I mean, it's better than... Yeah, sorry.

 

We don't have kids either, but from what I recall of my life since graduating high school and what I see today, you've already got your kids headed toward the front of the line. Don't listen to a word from those asshats who say you're ruining their life - those people just see and don't like that your kids are going to be successful and most likely happy. Jealousy is a real thing, and people will do their best to tear someone else down to their level of misery. Perhaps you need to teach your kids this - as they grow they will likely find themselves "outgrowing" their old friends. They will lose common ground and drift apart at best, or have jealousy creep in and be backstabbed/gossipped about by those they thought cared for them. I have no idea how to teach this to a teen, but it can be a real thing (but not always).

What I wish my parents knew more about so they could have imparted it upon me was how to make my money work for me. They were good at punching a clock, balancing a checkbook, and living on what they made (which wasn't much, but I was never homeless, dirty, naked, or hungry) - but damn I can't help to think where I could be now if I hadn't flailed around for 20 years before starting to learn about investing in multiple income streams.

To add, we never had deep career conversations either. I still don't know what I'd actually enjoy doing when I grow up. I've stumbled into a decent paying path, but damned if I don't wake up every morning swearing at the alarm. Maybe someday I'll figure it out and wake up excited to get out of bed. The hell of it is, like someone else mentioned about their kid, I don't want to do my hobbies as a job - then the hobbies are no longer enjoyable once deadlines etc. get involved. I still can't quite put my finger on that old saying "Do what you love and you'll never work a day in your life". I understand the gist of the message, but not the application I guess.

I'd say good luck, but I think you've got a good handle on steering your kids right.

 

Great post above. Thanks for taking the time to share. I have similar memories growing up, and while I think I've turned out okay, I realize it was some of the mentors I had growing up that got me here. If I can save them from reliving one or two hard lessons, that would be pretty cool.

You nailed it on the friendships, too. We're a zero gossip household. We are also big believers in the "you can trust a thief but you can't trust a liar" and, while it stinks, they understand it. We're also the people who have lots of acquaintances and only a handful of friends. I know the kids see and feel the differences, so fingers crossed there.

Solid point made, though! Kids are genuinely mean these days.

 

possibly one of the best responses I have read. Ever, and anywhere.

And “friendly people are generally not your friends” is gold. And very true.

 

I think as parents we should remove ourselves from the world as much as possible and simply invest time into our families. Phones, entertainment of all sorts on the Tv, video games, athletics, etc. Spend time as a whole family just experiencing and trying things. Failing, learning, succeeding. Let your children guide the hobbies / experiences as well as yourself and your wife. Your children will become passionate about what they see you passionate about. Money, toys, bigger this and that, chasing the next thing.
It’s our job to expose them to as much as we can and let their experiences guide their passions while we encourage them along the way. If we teach them to live simply, focus on loving one another, helping their neighbor, they will be content in every phase of life. At that point, the career really shouldn’t matter because they won’t need to make a set figure to “live.” They can really do whatever they are passionate about and the will feel confident and be more successful with it. Whether it’s woodcarving, growing garlic, being a vet, welding, etc. They will live so richly in love and have so much to offer their children with their time.

 

In my town, the brother and sister from the poorest family were the most approachable, kind hearted, genuinely happy individuals I have been around. They had nothing of material but that didn’t matter to them. They would have given their last to help anyone. We live in this world but we don’t need to live for it.

 

You all make me feel normal (scary!). Lots of good parents on this forum and some very fortunate kids.

As we are all aware, every kid is different and it's cool seeing the different approaches.

Thanks again to all for contributing. Cheers to the art of parenting.

 

@ColoradoTJ - the school debt and self-preservation for retirement is such a very real discussion and one I think we'll save the specifics of until they're in high school. We're in the midst of updating our estate plan so they're aware of some things, but most definitely not all.

For anyone with kids who haven't handled the estate planning yet, talk to a financial advisor! They are far more than just a bean counter and can really help educate and guide you before going to a lawyer. Strongly recommend you don't put this off, no matter how overwhelming it may feel.

I share my own moment to help frame this. We thought having life insurances and beneficiaries for all accounts was where we needed/wanted to be. Then we found out about 2 things: first, the consequences of this position, and second, estate taxes.

At no point did we consider the truth that all of the money would go directly to our kids if my wife and I were gone. Good in theory, until you realize the planning is for protection against the unforseen. So, no matter their ages, they'd receive, in full and without legal oversight of it, all of the money. Doesn't matter if they are 5, 10, 16 or 21. Estate taxes are something you'd have to review for your state, but something you'll want to understand. We were mortified and embarrassed when we realized just how uninformed we truly were!

The advice given to us: Never have a minor as a beneficiary by name. NEVER

Please talk to someone if you haven't.

 

Solid advice.

We just did the whole living trust setup.

as a side benefit - the property that passes to them will be outside of any marriage ownership. (separate property)

 

I missed this on my first pass. Excellent advice here.

I'd add one thing: Instill a sense of patriotism. Knowing why you have the rights you do and the price that has and continues to be paid helps keep us humble, and humility is antidote to pride.

 

Solid advice.

have them read the Constitution.

https://www.heritage.org/ will send you free copies.

and for even more fun...reading a smattering of The Federalist Papers will explain the meaning of our foundation.

 

Hah! Awesome.

I keep the same on my office desk!

I call it the rule book, when we have certain discussions.

 

We talk about this quite a bit. At this point, their answers are an engineer, a geologist, and an army guy (that's the youngest). They're all pre-teens, so the answers will change over time, I'm sure.

I currently pay them $1 for every book they read. Payments are made quarterly. Comic books do not count. The general rule is that it must be a "chapter book". If they hit 100 books in a year, they get a Kindle Fire. I will also subsidize a business for them. My oldest already mows neighbors' yards for $50-60.

"Books" that will pay out a little higher when they get older: Basic Economics, The Gulag Archipelago, The Wealth Of Nations, 1984, Brave New World, The Rise And Triumph Of The Modern Self (or the abridged Strange New World).

I'm also thinking that giving my kids a "business loan" of an older Tacoma and a trailer for them to expand their lawn mowing clientele would be invaluable. They can pay me back slowly over time at 0% interest while learning how to manage the costs of running their business (fuel, insurance maintenance and repairs, trimmer line, etc).

I am also contemplating a "rite of passage" into adulthood for each of them to accomplish. I haven't decided exactly what that will be yet. I'm leaning toward a solo backpacking trip.

 

It's amazing. They rub their little hands together, thinking they're ripping me off. I love it.

I edited my post to add titles that will pay bonuses.

 

I don't have kids, but if I did I would tell them not to pick nursing (or any other hospital based clinical position), it SUCKS!! The hospital CEOs and higher ups have become so greedy that they have chronically short staffed hospitals in order to better line their own pockets with money, leading to a very stressful and unsafe job!! We ask for more help, it falls on deaf ears... Healthcare in the USA is about making money, it's not about patient care and safety any more!! Nursing is glorified as an easy and lucrative profession, and you can make really great money, but it's at the expense of your own health and well-being! Just DON'T DO IT!!

I am hoping to get back on the ambulance as soon as possible, just waiting for the right opportunity. EMS and public safety pay crap, but the job is so fun and mostly low stress, best job in the world! Highly recommend getting into a municipal EMS system or FD while your kids are young!

-T.

 

My wife is nearly at 20 years as a RN in the city. She's absolutely fried and has the saltiness and bad back to prove it. She's hoping to cut over to an outpatient RadOnc job in the near future. She still loves the patient side of it, and she's fortunate enough to be grandfathered into the nursing benefits people remember hearing about, but from what I understand, those all ended for new hires about 10-15 years ago. It's pretty ugly out there now, but it's also specifically floor nursing that's getting the brunt of it (at least that's my understanding).

Thanks for all you do and I wish you everything you want!

 

Thank goodness my wife is an intellect. My job is policy and oversight, which is all reading. I get outdoors and do things that yield immediate results when I'm home. That said, the rate at which both of our kids can read (and retain) is insane to me. We've made reading non-negotiable since they could hold a book and it absolutely shows. They both will spend an entire day reading. Travel to campgrounds and longer stays at location are pretty awesome as a result. Not much as gratifying as looking around a campsite and seeing all of my ladies, outdoors, around a fire, with the pups, reading actual books (and not on a screen).

 

We do something similar but instead of money for finishing books, we call them treats or points. Has to be a substantial book. They can trade points to me for things like trip without other siblings for day or weekend for camping/fishing/biking/etc. or fewer points for little things like their own box of snacks they wont have to share with siblings. Forces them to save up if they really want that out of state fishing weekend.