Need some life advice. Pre-divorce tactics.

I personally have no experience with divorce but a couple months ago I was so close to walking out. I wouldn't be in this forum if I would've done that. She would have took me to the cleaners with extra bleach. We have 4 kids, a house that has plenty of equity and a job that pays good. I was able to talk to a friend and he made me start to think about the good and bad. I've been with her 23 years, married for 20. I think a lot people are suffering mental stress due to everything going on in the world right now, me included. We're both essential workers so that also add some concerns. About 6 weeks ago I bought a new Tundra and that change things a bit (gave me a hobby), we did talk about our issues and we both agreed that for the sake of the kids and the time we been together we will work things out. I'm not saying that your situation is same as mine but don't forget to talk to someone to vent out because that will eat you up if you don't. This site got me in awe on how nice everyone is here. It's crazy that total strangers could talk about something personal like this. You guys are freaking great and shows a lot about yourself and character.

 

A lot of good advice in here.
My $.02 is if there is no other option, get everything done as soon as possible, get things in writing (I know most lawyers take care of this but just in case) It may seem civil and you're both going to move on until someone changes their mind.

I got married really young and my first wife walked out of me while I was in school - everything was civil and neither of us had much money for lawyers, etc so we just did the paperwork. Well I didn't follow up with things and triple check on them and she some how got hold of the paperwork and the next thing I know I have a sheriff serving me papers.
I'm assuming it was her mom but regardless, all of a sudden I'm having to defend myself on not having to provide spousal support and being sued for mental stress, etc.
Long story shorter, it cost me a shit load of money to go away since nothing stood up in court but it was just made worse for no reason - just be careful.

 

I hear if you get matching tattoos or having a baby it could save your marriage... sorry I couldn’t make it through this dark of a thread without making an inappropriate joke. It’s a personal issue. I do wish you the best in and hope that you guys can keep it civil and not be another horror story. Good luck.

 

Not in CA brotha, over 10 years means spousal support for "life or until she remarries". It's not actually for life, depends a lot on age, health, reentering the workforce etc. but the court will hold the power to make you support your spouse for longer than half the duration of the marriage. CA is the worst when it comes to divorce laws.

OP, good luck man you'll come out the other side!

 

+1, divorce lawyers are money grabbers. You can read the horror stories on divorce forums. The one where the lawyers decided it was time to settle when they cleaned out the clients bank accounts comes to mind. I paid $1500 for an agreed upon settlement. I locked down the division of assets at the time of separation. First things I did was set up my own bank account and quit putting money in 401k. Reaching an agreement and using one lawyer will save you both $$$$s.

 

I appreciate you posting this. I know I may (possibly) be in the minority here, but having watched my dad go through 3 marriages, abuse of me/my brother (NOT by dad - by one of his wives) and so on, no way in hell did I want to repeat his mistakes (and neither did he want me to repeat them lol).

When I met my then-girlfriend (now wife), about 5 dates in, we had a talk about our intentions. I said that while I didn't know where it would lead, I needed her to know my viewpoint on dating and marriage. In a nutshell, for me, dating was always about 'tryouts for marriage.' It wasn't for 'fun.' (I mean heck yes, dating was, ahem *cough* fun LOL, but if I figured out or knew that some woman was not someone I could see myself married to, I didn't prolong things.)

Thankfully, she agreed with my viewpoint. We've been married for 18 years now, and I literally cannot imagine life without her. In fact, while I know I can handle life on my own, I flat get terrified at the thought of life without her. The single biggest thing I've learned (and this does dovetail with my faith, but it's not something exclusive to it either) is serving. Of course I'm selfish, and I can be a jerk, and so can she, etc., but at the end of the day, not once have I ever shown her love, put her needs above my own, etc., and NOT had that reciprocated.

To the OP: I wish you the best, man; I have to confess that I personally hope and pray for some sort of miracle where things work out and y'all can heal together, but I also realize that's not always how life works out.

 

Sorry to hear you have to go through this. Just know it does get better. I went through it 10 years ago and my alimony ends in about 40 days. We have 2 boys. They are now 26 and 21. That was hard.

If you and her have a joint bank account, "get your own account" tomorrow.... Do not hesitate...

Stand your ground. Don't just give in because it's easier. If your attorney won't fight for you, find another one who will.

Remember - it gets easier, i promise...
Im sure you have many friends here. If it gets tough, reach out, call a friend...

It gets easier..... Will be praying for you both.

 

Sorry to hear about that. Never bad mouth her to anyone. Just get a solid lawyer and expect the absolute worst from her side. Things tend to get nasty. But dont settle and try to be the nice guy. Stay firm on concessions and make sure you let the lawyer do the talking. Again if you want to talk please reach out.

 

Mi dos centavos. I would suggest that you not date till everything is a done deal. No matter how civil things are going if/when she finds out you are dating things could unravel quickly. Good luck.

 

Yes - that statement was so he doesnt wake up one day and find the account empty like I did 10 years ago.
My attorney suggested it and I said "she wont do that" boy was I wrong.

 

don't need lawyers for simple divorce. Easy paper work ...

even more involved divorces can be handled without lawyers. The key is communication. When too much assets or kids are involved, more often the emotions take over and the communication fails and lawyers make some $
Any money going to lawyers is not going to you. Just a good thing to remember to aid the communication. lol
and remember , you will survive ... you can always upgrade to wife 2.0 which maybe more stable but no guarantees

 

Maybe move to a different state with no alimony, then file??

 

God I feel stupid saying this, but the earlier poster was correct. DO NOT start dating until all paperwork is signed and sealed. I am a female and I can tell you without question that she will find out, get pissed/hurt and become vindictive simply out of spite. You've heard of a woman scorned? All of the prior comments from these gentlemen are good, and there is a lot of great advice. Bottom line, protect yourself and don't be naive. You think you know someone, but in times like these you will learn about the woman you never knew existed. Good luck, I know things will work out in the long run for you.

 

For me division of assets was as of date of separation. I went to live with my dad while ex who wanted house had to pay a mortgage she could not afford. Even though she signed papers at closing she thought the mortgage included taxes and insurance. Once I told her lawyer that they were not included her lawyer agreed she could not afford the house. The ex filed and hired one of the highest priced lawyers in town. All it accomplished was costing her $5k. During the separation without a mortgage payment I started saving serious $$$ and bought her out of house in the end.

 

I would suggest also if there are any guns in the home to remove them. If it’s in a safe leave the safe there until the divorce is final. In some of our wonderful states the spouse can claim that she or him felt threatened. This allows the police to come into your home and take them from you.

as others have suggested lock down your credit, you wouldn’t believe what a bitter spouse can do to your credit.

the rest is common sense, if you think it quick, make it civil and get the hell away. If it becomes less then civil, then lawyer up.

Either way when you go through this your going to find out quickly who your friends and family are.

 

I was married to my first wife for 12 1/2 years and two kids. One Saturday I took my son to an air show. It got rained out. Went back home and she wasn’t there. Didn’t go in. Drove to her parents house just a couple minutes away. As soon as I pulled up she came out and told my 10 year old son to go into the house. Told me she was moving out and now staying with the kids at her parents house and for me not to come in.
I went back home and all of her stuff had been moved out. (All within about an hour and a half) No warning, no clue she was leaving. Just told me she wanted a divorce. She already had an attorney. Would not tell me why or her reason for a divorce.
I was working full time at a fleet shop and then going to a night job as an auto mechanics instructor 3 nights a week and got home around 11 to 11:30 MTW. Thursday nights were yard work. Friday night was take the family to dinner. Sat and Sun I worked on cars at the house.
Four months later it was done. I had no say in anything. Not even try to work it out or reconcile. Just done. I haven’t seen her or talked to her in 29 years. Kids are now 39, 36 and 32. All I know is she remarried to some jackleg that worked in her same field.
Two months later I met a wonderful lady. She too had a boy and girl. Both our boys were 10, girls were 7 and 3. We got married about 6 months later and it’s been 28 1/2 years of wonderful marriage to an awesome woman.
So, there is hope after divorce. I feel for ya brother. It’s not fun and takes all you worked hard for.

 

I will be praying for you sir!
God never closes a door, that he doesnt open a window.
A divorce would crush me, I went through it with my parents. I hope I never do again.
Great news, no kids. Stay busy, and spend time doing things you enjoy

 

Don't just lock down credit run a full credit report. My ex set me up as an authorized user on a Sears card and then defaulted on the balance. I had no idea she did it. She knew that I hated debt and high interest store cards. Since I never charged anything on it she kept the debt. It dinged my credit score until I got it cleaned up with credit bureaus.

 

Once she leaves, don't forget to change the locks, or rekey the locks, it be a shame if you get "burglarized" one day... Everyone makes good points, but figured I'd add this one...

 

Wow, thank you all for the kind words and suggestions, my situation is a wee bit different than most. Wife is an ER vet. Works 2 jobs, student loans will be paid off oct 2021. She works hard and makes good money. (Circa $260k pre tax)
She leases her “power lesbian” Lexus RX 350 f sport. We have 1 joint savings account. Everything else has been separate since marriage. We have our own checking accounts, own separate credit cards etc.


I’m not flexing here, I’ve had to pay off A LOT of debt from her parents medical bills and funeral expenses plus her family are lampreys, see us as walking ATM’s. I put the foot down 4 years ago and things got better but anyways...
I emigrated from Scotland, married her, I clawed my way from $9.50/hr PT In Lowe’s thru many crappy jobs to $75/hr as a union HVAC/R journeyman. I also just started a side business in February. I work my arse off and make around $170k/yr
I have about $40k in 401k and around $750/month vested in pension credits.
The Tundra is about $9k from being paid off. Has around $30-35k equity (trade in vs private sale)

I have about $25k in specialty tools and equipment + my garage looks like a Milwaukee expo...
Own 9 guns, all ca legal and registered. just about to buy another ‍♂️already spoke to a friend and everything will be moved outta the safe into my friends this Friday.

We currently rent with a view to buying the house we live in. ( no longer an option for me obviously) She is adamant about staying in house, we have cats. (Too many)
Alimony will come into play. But I will only get the difference from my income to hers. She has stated that if I pursue alimony all bets are off and she is awarded 50% of my current and future pension,

 

Plus she will carve up my business and snitch me to the union (I’m okay with shutting it down to preserve my pension). She will also want the equity in the Tundra, I’m trying to figure out a lot of moving pieces all at once here.
I would also point out, we live in OC and cost of living is ludicrous here. So wages aren’t that impressive when rent in my neighborhood is $4200. Plus bills, tax debt and burdened with her family.
We only(ONLY pffftt...) pay $2400/month.

 

I feel you there, my S.O. has been hinting at the same, but shes been at it for years, but we have a kid and she has an Autisitic son thats 19 and is a handful by himself... we live in Santa Clara, Ca and our rent here is $3500, so I've moved most of my valuables to a storage unit, and have re-titled my cars under a separate name... took the hint from what my father did looong ago.

 

Ill be honest, that sounds fairly involved, and her thinly veiled threats, read as you wrote them, would cause me to lawyer up and not talk details with her at all.


I did however laugh at power lesbian.

 

Damn! So much good advice here! Wish I had my Tundy and joined this forum 8 years ago for this type of info when I went through my divorce. Instead, I lived it and you fine gentlemen's advice here is almost all spot on. To the OP: Try not to go down the financial crater of lawyer fees and print all the documents you need and keep revising it yourselves up until it's ready to file. Do not be mistaken though, get you a lawyer for the sake of small advice and to cover all your bases of the paperwork for years to come. Mine did that along with the official filing of the docs and I didn't pay more than $3k I don't think. You want to make sure your paperwork is solid because things can come back to haunt you years down the road. I live in a "communal property sate" which pretty much means 50/50 and it actually made things go a little smoother when agreeing how to split everything. It often went like HER: "I want half your 401k." ME: "Hmm. Then you are responsible for half the mortgage debt." TOGETHER: "I keep my 401k, we sell the house." Be mentally prepared for the craziest emotional roller coaster through it all and a bit afterwards. You may be civil with each other, but as mentioned many times here, she will not have your best interest. You have full control of your interest so grab it by the balls no matter how calm/nice/friendly she may seem. Document everything, including the day you decided to divorce and what all the account balances are and close them if you need to to protect yourself. Get your own new cards and credit. Find you some new hobbies and cross off some bucket list items if you can.

Bottom line is divorce sucks. It changes people. Some for the worse and some for the better. Make your moves silently and be tough and stern to protect yourself. Envision the 2.0 person you want to be because you can and opportunity awaits after the shit show.

 

There’s a lot of thoughts swirling around my head 24/7 at moment.
Also dropped 5lbs in last week just from stress.Low carb, Keto, slim fast, ppfftt... get yerself some real stress and the lbs fall off !

Several guys I’ve spoken to said to liquify and vaporize any and all assets before proceedings officially start. However I’m sure that would look very bad in court if...wait...when, she goes full “cuntosaurus” from listening to her co-workers and friends.

No separation paperwork had been filed yet, she wants to start it next week.
Trying to stay focused and avoid twisting myself into knots from thinking about it.
Thank you all for listening and sharing some sound advice and experience.

 

They gonna drag you if you start trying to liquidate stuff before a divorce. I would try to be above board the best you can, while protecting yourself 100%. I gave up (got bought out of) the house and stuff that mattered little to keep my 401k and the important stuff.

Im not arguing over bullshit i can replace. My income and retirement I protected fiercely.

 

I don't know what CA laws are but here's my perpective from a WA communal state law given that I read and read and read during my situation. It is not legal advice in any way shape or form, but could be from a beneficial different perspective given how emotions can hinder decisions during a divorce. Best of luck to you OP. Seems like we all here can be an outlet if you ever need.

...Renting makes it a bit easier. It'll be super awkward and stressful, but I recommend staying in the house and eating the shit sandwich for a bit. It would suck even more if you moved out because you will still be on the hook for half of the rent/bills. During my divorce, I put cameras in the house and would always try and be be in view when we were in the same common areas just because I was paranoid that she would make false claims against me.

 

The only way to do it amicably is if both are on that page from day one. Sounds like she isn't, so a lawyer is your friend.

2 people you never lie to; your doctor and your lawyer. Give your attorney every bit of info and asset you've got. Also, fully fess up to any dirt your wife may have. You don't want your lawyer to be surprised by anything.