Dear Abby...

Dear Abby,

I have a friend who's wife goes to the gym pretty regularly. Wears the usual gym garb, nothing outlandish like some women (think bra and panties). Anyway, over the past month or so another member has been going out of his way to engage in seemingly harmless banter with her. She's made it painfully clear she isn't interested and is just there to work out, but this person hasn't gotten the clue. His usual go-to is the congratulatory exclamation when she's done with a set along with a high five (yeah, really).

Well, the other day her co-worker/friend showed up (who is a major gym rat) and they were talking. He walks up to both of them and says something along the lines of "it was love at first sight" to her friend regarding his visual embrace of the wife. My buddy's wife doesn't say anything but starts backing away to head back to her station while her friend is laughing.

The topic of this guest and unwelcome advances has surfaced semi-regularly between my buddy and his wife with a neutral reception, but after this last encounter, he told her that she needs to just spell it out to this guy that she's married and not interested. She responded that he hasn't asked her out or blatantly indicated anything of a sexual nature albeit she dreads walking in to see him there and has become anxious hoping he isn't there when she drives to the gym. He suggests that if the situation were to be reversed, she would be livid with him that he hasn't put a stop to it. She responds that it isn't the same because the woman wouldn't likely turn to violence with him. To which my buddy ascertained that if that is a legitimate concern, she should report him to the gym administrator. He also stated that if he had to go into the gym to confront this man, the chance for real violence could occur.

His wife called him a misogynist because she says he's insinuating she's at fault...

Who's in the wrong here and what do you recommend the next course of action to be?

Thanks,
Ticked off in Texas

 

The douche at the gym needs to be put in check. Simply her telling him that she is married and that she’s not interested should be enough of a hint and this guy will likely move on to the next focus of his attention……and if it’s normal behavior for him shame on the gym for not intervening and telling him to cool his jets

 

Gym bro needs to be properly confronted for sure and he should be reported to the gym staff.

 

Dear Ticked Off in Texas,

Go kick his ass.

Sincerely, Abby

 

Violence is the answer. If its not solving all your problems, you arent using enough of it.

 

Tbh, dude is right. The wife should let the gym guy know she’s married and uninterested. Also that she comes to the gym for personal time, not interested in any interactions with gym bro. If he can’t take the hint, then by all means

 

No one here is really 'in the wrong', other than the dipshit that's crossing the line... the rest of them are simply dealing w/an uncomfortable situation and apparently not sure how to deal w/it.

First and foremost, the dipshit that's crossing the line needs to be placed on notice... IMMEDIATELY!!!! No beating around the bush, no soften the blow, etc... The husband and wife should have a short but purposeful discussion about who is going to do that, and he should therefore tell her, 'Look I'm not comfortable w/this continuing, and one of us is going to straight up tell this guy you're married and uninterested... PERIOD!!!'

If she isn't comfortable doing this, then your buddy needs to politely (the first time) go into the gym and just put the dude on notice. If he's respectful about it (doubtful), then all is good everyone moves on. If he's not, or he crosses the line again, then it's time to either step it up a bit or if he doesn't want to risk the confrontation (and legal repercussions) find another gym...

Either way, neither of them should be concerned about dispshit's reaction or response. He's out of line and until he's put on notice, it's likely the behavior will continue and likely for it to escalate...

Sure, it may escalate if the husband approaches him, and he should be prepared to deal w/that, but generally speaking these types of personalities will move on to other prey w/less perceived headache!!!!

 

How do I enable fancy options? They all disappeared.

Back on topic:
Honestly, I'd be a little worried about what might happen if that guy becomes disgruntled from constant rejection or even worse, a physical altercation with husband. Or...nothing might happen

Maybe it's probably because I'm watching too many movies, but we do have plenty of weirdos out there.

 

Worried about what? The guy doesn’t get a free pass to harass the wife. But she should communicate that to him, or he might actually think he’s getting somewhere. Or if the wife is creeped out, the husband could go with her to make sure he gets the message. If gym bro chooses violence, he does so at his own peril.

 

Lady needs to take a video of the unwanted advances and her reaction, then send it to Joey Swoll on youtube. He'll sort it out.

"You need to do better. Mind your own business"

 

Mr.Unbound! You have 12,345 messages!

Mr.Knabores, what i meant is, it has to be proper level of response. Properly measured.

 

He should fight him up, fight him up real good.

 

My wife has worked out her entire life. Her response echoed your buddy's wife. Me paraphrasing - she would refuse to tell the bro outright for the fact that men don't accept rejection, he'd likely turn it around into some shaming, and then the woman has to begin worrying about more repercussions (following, stalking, becoming a real hassle). My wife gave two responses, the husband needs to go and make his presence known, and if that wasn't enough, he needs to handle it.

I can also tell you that $10K can build one helluva garage gym which offers more conveniences than just avoiding creeps. Have them checkout r/homegym if they have the space/means to pursue a private setup.

 

Good stuff here! My buddy is a violence as a last resort kind of guy. He's got a career and he's worked hard to keep his nose clean. Kids, etc...stuff to lose. It doesn't mean he isn't willing to fight for those he loves or protect what's his, but the physical response is saved for nuclear mode.

The diplomatic approach is his style - talking and reasoning.

 

So she hasn't quite told him that. Yet. She keeps her gloves off so the ring is visible, but the cold shoulder and non verbal cues are her tactics for dealing with him. She says that she's not the only person he talks to (male & female), but it doesn't help when she is the only female there.

 

Find his car and put a banana in his tailpipe

 

I think if anything happens to your wife, it'll be on you, Mr.Texas.(OP, since half of forum is from texas).

Obviously the guy in the gym has a couple loose screws. And your wife being there isn't helping, since he can't resist temptation, obviously. Tell your wife to stop going to gym and do push ups in the kitchen instead, or clean the house more often. Worst case, get a couple jugs of 0w20 and let her work out with them. I don’t see the absolute necessity to go to the gym all the time. Wasting time lifting useless dead weight. Get her busy with something worthwhile.

 

If I was that wife's husband, I'd have been there far earlier on, in the guy's face, flat out telling him "you leave her alone or you and I will handle business."

 

Yall are all about to beat up some rando who simply hasn’t been told that the wife isn't interested and to bug off. It’s unlikely lonely gym bro will do anything other than, well, bug off when he’s told. The guy is just flirting at the gym, which is creepy and disrespectful honestly, but until someone says, not interested please leave me alone, he thinks he’s Rico Suave.

 

The funny thing is it usually doesn’t take threats of violence to get these types to back off - typically a public “I am not interested and please leave me alone” is enough to embarrass them and shatter their fragile little egos to move on to their next target…..

 

I was under the impression he had essentially been told that, at least by her actions. I'm actually not a big fan of just immediate gratuitous violence, but it's been my experience that literally *all* a husband would need to do is show up and tell the guy to step off, and that'd stop things.

NOW...if the wife has an issue with that...that's a different conversation to be had, of course.

 

Violence now, violence now!
An eye for an eye, a blood bath high

 

As someone who went to a commercial gym for ~20yrs....<I've seen all this uncomfortable shit>.

the female needs to communicate to male to back off.

it's probably that simple.

if not, let the facility know. verbal....AND either in writing or email.

Having to continue to see the perp is the part that sux. especially for a female.



and...this is the prime reason I built my home gym in 2001.

I have become allergic to dealing with the general public.


I cannot imagine how bad the commercial gym atmosphere has gotten in the last 20 years.

Social media tears away the common decency of yesterday.






additional point....if the female has yet to say anything to the perp....uh.....there may be a deeper issue.




I was the quiet, plump Powerlifter back by the free weights.
I would gladly answer questions from folks, but NEVER approach others.

 

Do we have the guy’s name? I’d be happy to reach out and help him understand the situation.

 

If she has not made it crystal clear verbally by now, some would say she might enjoy the attention……it’s likely as simple as her telling him to leave her alone. The fact that she has not done so yet is confounding

 

"There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved with the suitable application of high explosives."
-A violent someone

 

Facts. I like

- not having to watch people pose
- being able to knock out a workout in 30 minutes flat instead of having to wait on equipment
- not having to drive anywhere
- not having to people LOL

 

Pretty douchey for some of you to imply that the reason she hasn’t said anything to the guy is because she actually enjoys it. I imagine it’s scary as hell for a woman to confront a strange man even over something small.
Of course she should be able to tell him she isn’t interested, and of course he should graciously accept that and back off. We’re all smart enough to know that could cause him to take offense and escalate things. Especially a gym bro who pulls this kind of shit when people are trying to work out. Good chance he’s an insecure prick who’s going to get his feelings hurt and react aggressively to it. That area is full of asswipes like that.
It’s not safe for women to handle things the same way men do, and we don’t know what it’s like to have to deal with that.