The truck is all that's left

When life hands ya lemons you make lemonade. Question they always ask at my VA yearly check up is , have you ever thought about or considered suicide. It always draws a chuckle. I don’t say it , but think it, who hasn’t? hang in there Brother, things will get better,

 

The reality of suicide is that Im a damn coward.

 

We all make mistakes. Sometimes those mistakes have massive and life changing consequences. You would be hard pressed to find someone who hasn’t. However, it’s how we respond that separates us.

Positive psychology teaches us that happiness revolves around a locus of control, the idea that we have the power to change our situation. I would say that the first thing you need to do is accept that you need help.

Find yourself a therapist, preferably a psychiatrist as they can prescribe something that, along with therapy, will help you climb out of the hole you’re in.

I can’t imagine that if depression has cost you your job, you’ll be able to mange it alone, nor do I think you’re in a headspace that can find another. You need to attack the depression before you can effectively manage anything else.

 

This hits pretty close to home for me because I have a 14 y/o who just finished a stint in a mental institution last weekend for slicing her wrist open with a shaving razor. The past several months have been filled with a lot of tough conversations and internal wrestling with how to help her through her depression.

If you are experiencing depression in the form of feeling worthless, deserving of punishment, a waste of oxygen, etc, I do not recommend an extended period of isolation. Depression feeds off isolation and the tendency that isolation promotes to get lost in festering, spiraling thoughts of how awful you are and how much you deserve to suffer. It does not take long for this false narrative to become unquestioned truth to a depressed person, and the lens through which they see the world. It is very hard to get out of this mindset once in it. As others have suggested, you would be far better off seeking connection with others, even strangers, through an activity such as volunteering or attending a church. Hell, even sitting on a bench at a dog park and handing out dog biscuits to people's dogs would introduce you to new people and help you shift your perspective.

If you are not diagnosably depressed and comparatively "just" in a funk, some alone time could be a good way to reset. The bucket list idea posted by @1UP is very intriguing to me. You are the only one who can really know if your mental health is stable enough that getting away from your triggers in this way would actually facilitate a reset instead of sending you further into depressive thoughts.

Bottom line, you probably feel purposeless and rudderless at the moment, which is cancerous to the mind and soul. One of the first things you must do is re-establish in your mind your place in the world by realizing what you have to offer it. What can your future contribution to society be? You have lived in your truck for years...I for one have fantasized often about doing that and would love to pick your brain about all the things you have learned through that experience. Could you share that knowledge with people like me?

With no job or other things tying you to a place or a schedule, this situation could be viewed as an excellent opportunity to reconstruct your values, interests, social network...essentially the complexion of your whole life, in a way that you can curate totally how you want it. Not many people get such a chance during their lifetimes to start over without leaving a lot of collateral damage in their wake. Let us live vicariously through you.

 

Don’t take the loss of a job as a loss equal to losing someone. Jobs come and go - fact is 99.9% of employers view you as a replaceable commodity - the moment they can find someone cheaper or who brings more value to the table - they would dump you in a second.

Losing someone close is tough - but just need to remember there’s still a life worth living - even if you don’t necessarily think so at the moment. 7 years ago my old man left this earth - it was tough but after watching someone fight cancer for 2 years no way I could seriously think of voluntarily checking out. Was about this time my boss called me - said he was sorry and even more sorry about what he had to say next - his boss said tell me I had 2 bereavement days but have my ass to work on Monday. I thanked him and said no problem - funerals Monday at 11a but you can drive your ass down anytime after 3p to pick up the company car. (Surprised the hell out of me when he showed up to the funeral - but he made it clear he was there on his own simply to pay respects and come back when I was ready). I quit that job a month later anyway - and spent a year doing a job I hated until I found one I really liked. 7 years later and I’m making 3x the money I was back then - so yea it gets better.

Focus on what IS working - don’t let the darkness linger too long. If you need a reminder of what’s right in this world - go volunteer someplace. I found my peace volunteering around some older veterans (I never served - but my old man did and was a supporter of multiple vets groups so I started doing it as a remembrance to him). Hard to think you have it bad when your sitting there talking to someone 40 years older than you with less AND health issues and they are still positive about what tomorrow has to offer.

I’ve dealt with depression for years and there is no one size fits all cure. Talking to someone helps many - but just remember it doesn’t have to be a professional. Sometimes you’ll find the best listeners and advice you get are from everyday people. Exercise can help - sometimes prayer and sometimes just going out and experiencing something new (no matter how much you don’t want to) - just fight the urge to fall into unhealthy patterns and try to find reasons to keep moving forward. Good luck.

 

Well, being a smart ass, I have one more thing to say. at least you have a TUNDRA and not a Ford. If I had to go through that Ford experience again, I know I would have to put a bullet in my brain, LOL.

 

Life is about the struggle brother. You gotta embrace it and have the will to get through.

Weak people dont live. They are preyed upon by the struggle. You have to figure out a way to solve and/or find peace with your problems. It's what makes you a superior being compared to a dog or a fish.

I would start by stop watching any tv/movies and stop using social media as much. It all rots your brain and demoralizes and degenerates you. Stop smoking weed. Join a gym or better yet get outdoors. Set small goals that you can achieve and work you way up to the bigger things in your life. Find other people of strong will and avoid weak people that will bring you down. Church would be a good place to go to do that.

 

This seems like a good place to drop this. It’s a commencement speech given by author/philosopher David Foster Wallace. Ironically and unfortunately, he checked himself out, but a few years before he did, he blessed the world with this gem of existential contemplation.

https://youtu.be/DCbGM4mqEVw?feature=shared

 

Meh, at least the ranger had a 6' bed.

 

But what it has in length it lacks in girth.

 

Got the plans wrapped up and started my trip to salton. Made it about 25 miles and stopped for lunch and to wait out the wind. I love being on the road, I don't feel so homeless, just a traveler. Had a guy make me feel awesome because "man do you live in that camper? I've always wanted to do that, just hit the road but I'm scared the RV would break down"

I laughed and tapped the emblem on my grill like "that won't be an issue"

 

How old are you OP?

If you’re not too old go see a recruiter. Pick a branch, ship out ASAP for boot camp. You need a complete reset.

Either way stop fucking around. No more drugs. No more booze. No more self-pity parties. No more bullshit.

From here on out you make incremental improvements every day. Work out, get stronger. Learn new things. If you have education you didn’t finish, finish it.

Suicide is a long term solution to a short term problem. Don’t cause more issues for someone else who will have to deal with that mess because you want to take the coward’s way out.

Your recently departed loved one wouldn’t want that would they? I don’t think so. Honor their memory by doing things that would make them proud and turning your life around.

 

Praise the Lord My brother


It may seem like the truck is all you have left but it’s not. You mentioned walking and that tells me you have mobility and that’s something somebody else does not have.
This could very well be a hard time for you as we all have our levels of “enough “

I would encourage you as most here have done to seek the Lord for your strength beyond physical strength. For strength to cope with the loss of your loved one. We never get over things like that but we shouldn’t feel guilty because none of us were meant to stay here forever.

I’m a firm believer that when your ready God was already waiting on you.

But without faith it is impossible to please him: for he that cometh to God must believe that he is, and that he is a rewarder of them that diligently seek him

If you need an ear PM and I’ll give you my number. Be assured that God is and where you are is where so many of us have been and so we speak not from a fairytale but from experience. GOD IS ABLE

 

The plan is to do this little trip to clear my mind and reset. When I get back Im going to sell off a lot of stuff that nobody wants from the estate and try to start over.
It's kinda funny living in the camper because I can forget where I am. Woke up from a lil nap thinking I was still parked at Grandma's place then stepped out to a truck stop parking lot.

Other times when I wake up thinking I'm still at the lake or somewhere and I walk out to a Walmart. LOL

The funniest part is when I have dreams that my truck gets stolen, then I wake up and realize that I'm still in the back of the SOB.

 

Woke up at the rest stop and it's damn pouring rain. This whole state is going to have shit weather today. I chose the wrong time to go driving. Dammit boy!! LOL

 

Be

Safe out there brother

there’s enough fools driving when conditions are good. May God keep you and keep your mind
God bless

 

Made it to the homies house in Payson, gonna chill out up here for a couple days. Gotta talk this boy into letting me hammer on his new SRT.



Crazy kid dailys a challenger in the snow and lives at the bottom of a hill.

 

He's only crazy if he let's you "hammer on it" in the snow!

 

Love Payson. Hope to have some property around there one day to keep my closer to the lake.

 

We might end up with this house, not the way I wanted it to happen but it's definitely staying in the family. Might get used as a vacay cabin or something

 

Payson is in the perfect spot for me - love the elevation, big enough for a Home Depot and Walmart - an hour from the lake and an hour from Scottsdale.

 

We're in a little cul-de-sac by the golf course so it feels like the middle of nowhere. I love it!!

 

https://www.azcentral.com/story/new...-freeway-closures-winter-weather/81977399007/
Glad I stopped, that's nasty

 

Roads finally open, I'm gonna chill out and let everyone who backed it up get gone before I take off. You'd think these professional drivers would check the weather and park it.

 

I am sorry to hear this I know when I'm down and out i jump in my truck and head to the mountains. Sometimes solitude in the hills and a river fishing wipes away all the bs in life.

 

Glad you made it safely
The kid with the SRT must be
a great driver cause that’s a behemoth of an automobile even in ideal conditions

 

A peek in the tent

 

You want to peek in the tent, eh?