Tundras live: Dumb Dad Jokes, Incorrect Opinions, and Relationship Advice.

What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a bicycle and a well dressed man on a tricycle?




A tire.

 

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

 

Why don't you ever see elephants hiding in trees?



Because they are so good at it!

 

So, I got bored and started reading a book about glue. I couldn't put it down.

 

Why do people think skunks are poor?


They only have one scent.

 

How much does a chimney cost?

Nothing, it's on the house.

 

What goes in hard and dry but comes out wet and soft

Spoiler

Gum!

 

What did one traffic light say to the other?


Look away! I'm changing!

 

I must be good looking. No matter what store I go to, the cashier is always checking me out.

 

How does Lady Gaga like her steak?


Raw, Raw
Raw, Raw, Raw

 

What's cold, slimy, and smells like pork?



Kermit's finger!

 

How do you know when a pepper is angry?


It gets jalapeno face.

 

What did the baby corn say to the mother corn?



Where's popcorn?

 

Why are elevator jokes popular?


They work on many levels.

 

What did the comedian say when he got to the emergency room?


I'm here, all weak.

 

How do celebrities stay cool?


They have lots of fans.

 

If you are ever locked out of your house, speak to your lock calmly. Communication is key.

 

Why do nurses like red crayons?





Sometimes they have to draw blood.

 

What do you call a pile of cats?

Spoiler

A Meowtain.

 

Did you hear about the fire at the shoe factory?


10,000 soles were lost. Police said some heels started it.

 

Why did the belt get arrested?


It held up a pair of pants.

 

I try not to tell dad jokes.







But when I do, he thinks they are funny.

 

Why did the boy bring a ladder on the bus?


He was trying to get to high school.

 

How can you spot a baby snake?


It'll have a rattle.

 

What's red and bad for your teeth.








A brick.

 

What do pigs use in the shower?



Hogwash.

 

Almond Joy and Mounds are both decent.


Nothing is better than OG Twix, though. Candy bar royalty right there.

 

going back to the lazy/weak folk topic:

When I worked at the beer distrib, we did blood drives.

there was a grip test that the blood drive folks would do. if a grown ass man can close a 75lb gripper, you were generally/statistically speaking, healthy.

so, I always kept a gripper around.

Presently, on my desk, I have 4 Captains of Crush grippers.

the bottom one is 95lb, then 120lbs, then 167lbs, then 195lbs.

We get a lot of burly men thru this office...so, my duty is to give them shit. I challenge them to grip strength.

1/2 of the men can't do the 95lb
few can to the 120lb
2 have done the 167lb (me + big 6"7' dude)
none have done the 195lb

the surprise comes when expectations hits reality.