What would you do?

Agreed! I told him a year ago that I’m not going to harp on him if he’s being productive, but he’s not. Quite the opposite. I haven’t liked it in 20 years but know plenty that are productive and keep their shit together

 

I don’t subscribe to your methods but I can appreciate why you have them. It’s just not my style, but neither is anything violent. Thanks for sharing though

 

He is still on probabtion right now from some other stuff.

Trust me, I’ve tried so many avenues to force punishment but today’s legal system doesn’t open the door until they physically start hurting themselves or others. It’s horse shit!!!!

 

I can relate 100% and can totally respect your statements. It’s exactly what I’m afraid of. Opiates are a real issue and I can’t imagine what they look like today. Pure death! I just don’t know how much I can continue living through. The best thing that ever happened to me was when my parents refused to come get me when I got kicked out of a rehab in FL and left on the side of the road in Destin. It took a while but that’s the minute the upswing started

 

I get what you are saying 100%. I'm not an overly religious type of guy but I can say Opiates and the like are pure DEVIL. If someone hasn't lived it they have no clue. Everyone has to hit rock bottom before they want to change. The problem with that is rock bottom is different for everyone. Sometimes rock bottom can't be recovered from and that's what scares me.

 

Yes, I don't agree with the "let them hit rock bottom" approach. It is too easy for something really bad to happen before they get the opportunity to turn around.
I am more for building relationships. Unfortunately you have to do that from a young age and it takes time, which in Mark's case he stepped into a bad situation from what I understand. I would however still say the best way is to try and build some type of relationship and trust, but I also know 16-year old's attitudes does not make that an easy thing to do.

 

Exactly what Jose said. If you’re still the legal guardian, you better be ready to fly back to Colorado in the middle of the night to bail him out of jail a couple of times. But forcing him to move isn’t the answer neither. He’s going to be a living nightmare in AZ. He will blame you for everything. I left home in high school too. Nothing good came out of that but it was still probably the better option.

 

It's not his life for another 2 years. Make sure he understands that and tell him to pack his $hit, because this is happening.

 

When "dope" is a major part of "his life" at his age, there is a problem. Period.

 

Me too. I never got heavy on the opiates but enough to not touch the heavier gear ever again. That was 20 years ago and I still get the eek feeling when I think about it.

I’m just worried that it’s a progression I can’t stop with just words. I’m meeting with him and his therapist on Monday so hopefully we can talk some sense into him before the probabtion officer has to be notified.

 

Talk to his probation officer, they can help tremendously.

 

The lawyer says I’m not legally responsible if he’s not living with me because I’m not the biological father, I’m just the “psychological parent (legal term)”

 

Probably the next move. According to everyone I’ve spoken with he won’t get shafted, just heavier watching of him, which is what I want

 

OK, you must not have the “Urban dictionary” memorized......
But yes, you’re absolutely right.

I was much worse than him at that age and I turned out pretty well. The problem is that when playing those games it might not have the same outcome

 

Probably your best move at this time; although he will not like that...

 

I’ve done worse shit to his mom.....
Called the cops for coming after me with a hammer one time

She got out and blamed me

 

A lot depends on where you're moving to. If it's another urban area, he'll find new friends that are just like his old friends and he'll continue his downhill slide. The military is an option, but there's just as much drinking and drug use in the military as there is in the civilian world. Possibly more. Have a long talk with him and explain that juvenile detention isn't fun. There are plenty of people there that will be more that happy to "Take him to the Prom" whenever possible. If he's arrested on drug charges, the trial won't happen until after he's 18. At that point, the judge and jury will be looking at an adult and the penalties will reflect that view. Prison is less fun than jail. Explain that you won't pay for a lawyer just because he feels like getting high, and that his public defender (public defenders don't care about their clients, they just want to get paid and move on to the next case) will offer a plea bargain just to get his case closed. That plea bargain will include jail time and a criminal record. That criminal record will end his career hopes, unless his career plan is for a lifetime of work as a gas station attendant or 7-11 clerk. Tell him to call if he lands in jail and you'll come down to visit, and that if he continues to screw up after he turns 18 that he shouldn't bother to call. Next, tell him you'll help him keep straight in any way you can and that you'll work just as hard as he does towards a good future. In the end, it's his choice either way.

Good Luck. Remember, our kids grow up to be who they are because of us, and in spite of us. No matter how hard we try, the final choice is theirs. If he chooses the wrong path, it's on him, not you.

 

Oh good. Then leave him there. Just be sure to tell him your door will always be open for him to come live with you if he ever decides to. That will make him feel like you care but also that you're allowing him to make his own decision and not forcing one on him. But also on one condition. He will have to come visit you every few months or you'll come visit him. Hopefully, he will see how difficult it is to live on his own and will appreciate what you do for him.

 

I raised 2 boys as a step father and now they have become adults, 22 and 25 years old respectively, I was raised with "tough love" and a "my rules apply, don't like it then leave policy", it's hard being a parent, guardian these days and I feel your pain, it seems to me that you "love" this young man and it is hard to make the "right" decision, what should be thought of is "what is in the best interest of the young man" and in my honest opinion it would be for him to not be in that environment and move with you.

My 25 year old was rebellious at 16 as well and he threatened to run away and called his mom a "bitch" and I was also told that "I am not his father" speech.....well let me tell you that he was given a choice, he can leave but with only the clothes on his back or he can stay and follow the rules, needless to say he left for a total of 2 hours as he had nowhere to go, long story short he is now 25 years old became a police officer and has purchased his first home all by himself. It was a tough road but well worth it to see "MY SON" not a "STEP SON" become a man!!

 

Sorry to hear about your son. You have alot of options and everyone of them can go either good or bad. If you make him move he will not understand and hate you for awhile but later in life he will realize the reasons why. If he stays you can give him guidance and support as he is old enough start making decisions for himself. It's a damned it you do, damned if you don't situation.

Teenage years are alot harder now then what they were when we grew up. It's a hard decision either way. Which ever way is decided you need to stick to it and not let him bounce back and forth (mom and pop senario).

Some kids learn about life in their own way and make their own path. As parents, we are supposed to raise our children the best we can. Different people see what the best is in different ways.

 

Man, Alma, I truly feel for you. This is a rock and a hard place kind of situation.

I’m not one to give advice when I don’t know the facts or have a personal involvement.

That being said, sounds like these kids need stability, something that their mother missed the mark on from your comments. My mom was a proponent of spankings (ain’t gonna work since the kid’s 16 - too old for that crap) but she was also a proponent of love - she would explain why she did what she did and that she still loved me.

Sounds like these kids have had enough violence in their lives, so I would sit him down and say he was coming with you period, only because you love him and will ALWAYS be there for him come hell or high water and hopes that he realizes that you aren’t going to bail on him or his siblings. Be firm and loving at the same time. Wouldn’t hurt to give him a good hug even if it isn’t reciprocated.
It’s gotta be hard being a father AND a mother especially to a stepchild! I applaud you for doing this, man.

Good luck and I truly mean that.

 

I feel like we don't know enough about the whole situation to make a judgement here. My though would be to take him with you but it sounds more complicated than that. I hope you figure it out one way or another so he gets his life on track.

 

Look brother every young buck tries to push the boundaries. Do you fold or do you hold the line. Check his young butt regardless of what he says or how he lashes out. For better or worse he’s yours. Once you re-establish the roles in this relationship then find out what’s causing him to hurt where he feels he needs to medicate with weed. Stay the course no matter what the storm brings. It won’t be easy or fun but in time he will respect that you were there and gave a damn. Please don’t forget to to pray for him every day.

 

OK, learned something today, showing my age a little. Seems that using words like that to describe things is whole other problem which seem to desensitize the origin and make more acceptable.
I am glad you turned out well. In this day and age I would discourage it as much as possible. I hope the best for you and him.

 

I just went through a year of BS as far as helping raise grandkids after they were forcefully removed from their F'd up mother. The gkids are young and the situation is different than yours. I found out Thursday that Family Services had signed off. No longer involved. Got custody with my son. Reason?????>>>>Stability. Stability is everything. Achieving it is an other story....

 

https://youtu.be/4Ol4pfejKzI
Jordan Peterson useally has the answer.

 

I grew up in a real similar situation . Parents worked their asses off to try and help them and finally my folks let my brothers f#@k up their own lives to the point that they finally figured it out .Now that cost them a solid 8 to 10 years of their life that was off track and some arrests and drug use. But they have both straightened out and have good lives. One is still a prick but, that's just him