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Mom had a stroke, need advice

Discussion in 'Off-Topic Discussion' started by Wahayes, Jan 19, 2020.

  1. Jan 19, 2020 at 10:32 PM
    #1
    Wahayes

    Wahayes [OP] Older I get the wiser I realize my dad was

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    So my mom had a stroke in sept 2019. It was massive and devastating. To make matters worse my dad has had parkinsons for 20 years and mom was his caregiver. She didnt keep up with herself had heart issues was overweight and had two heart attacks prior to the stroke.
    I am now faced with a tough decision. Mom is in a nursing home in texas and my uncle is temporarily caring for my dad. She has lost her mind due to the stroke. Says crazy stuff thinks everyone hates her says vulgar things insults my dad and above all thinks she is fine and can live on her own and take care of dad. Dad is now scared of her ( she only has mental and speech deficits not physical, my dad is physically immobile which is why he's scared) she's has assaulted two nurses since sept. My dilemma is she is in texas and I in utah. Dad will be moving in with me and my family but it would cost 7300 dollars to move mom to a nursing home here. She doesn't want to move and insists I am throwing her away to die in doing so even though the nursing home here is inifintley nicer than than where she is in texas. I'm considering leaving her in texas because nothing makes her happy and she has decided she hates me and dad and refuses to move. But part of me also is conflicted that it's still my mom and as crazy as she is I love her. Dont know what to do.
     
  2. Jan 19, 2020 at 10:46 PM
    #2
    easleycrawler

    easleycrawler TOYOTA ADDICT- SSEM #78

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    So sorry to hear this and that you are in this situation. I have no advise to give. I'll keep you in my prayers and thoughts. This has got to be extremely hard.
     
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  3. Jan 19, 2020 at 10:48 PM
    #3
    Wahayes

    Wahayes [OP] Older I get the wiser I realize my dad was

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    Thanks. It sucks. I just feel like I'm abandoning her but I know she is no longer here anyway. Her body is but she isn't. So I feel like utah or texas, doesn't really matter.
     
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  4. Jan 19, 2020 at 10:50 PM
    #4
    easleycrawler

    easleycrawler TOYOTA ADDICT- SSEM #78

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    Just curious, what does the rest of the family say/think?
     
  5. Jan 19, 2020 at 10:51 PM
    #5
    KMG

    KMG New Member

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    I'm sorry for your family misfortune. Dealing with aging parents can be very emotional. Kudos for providing a safe home for your father. It sounds like your mother isn't going to be any happier in Utah than she is in Texas. My free advice (exactly what it's worth) is to move your father in and go a month or so and see if the situation with your mother changes. If after time passes and she hasn't improved then do what is best for you since leaving her in Texas or moving her to Utah won't change her outlook on life. Best of luck.
     
    Wahayes[OP] likes this.
  6. Jan 19, 2020 at 10:53 PM
    #6
    Wahayes

    Wahayes [OP] Older I get the wiser I realize my dad was

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    Well, I'm it. I have an estranged sister and she is not involved. My dad would do whatever I say needs to happen. If I told him the solution was we need to buy a spaceship to fix the problem he would agree. My uncle doesn't really have an opinion.
     
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  7. Jan 19, 2020 at 10:53 PM
    #7
    Burtont62

    Burtont62 New Member

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    Sad to hear. My dad had dementia for the last 6 years of his life and it just destroyed my mom. Emotionally and physically. Take care of you dad and leave mom in Texas. I know it sounds cold but what will bringing her to Utah do? Maybe she gets better and can come to Utah. Sounds like she needs medication that she might not be getting in the nursing home. I'd look into that first.

    Hope it works out for you and your family.
     
  8. Jan 19, 2020 at 10:58 PM
    #8
    Wahayes

    Wahayes [OP] Older I get the wiser I realize my dad was

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    She is on anti depressants and anti psychotics but the help it gives is limited. She has massive brain trauma from the stroke. She didnt get help right away and though not 100% positive beleive she went hours (3-6) before help as it seems to have happened overnight in her sleep. Dr's dont see her improving. Today she went to church with a family friend and thought the pastor was talking about killing everyone and throwing them away. It feels cold to say but I feel the same way of leaving her in texas. Nothing makes her happy and she is miserable to be around.
     
  9. Jan 19, 2020 at 11:00 PM
    #9
    Wahayes

    Wahayes [OP] Older I get the wiser I realize my dad was

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    I honestly cant believe the family friend still goes and takes her out places.
     
  10. Jan 19, 2020 at 11:01 PM
    #10
    pickeledpigsfeet

    pickeledpigsfeet New Member

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    My dad had multiple strokes. It is horrible when they become nasty. It is not her anymore and she wont be coming back. I would leave her in Texas. Try and keep what good memories you have of her.
     
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  11. Jan 19, 2020 at 11:04 PM
    #11
    pickeledpigsfeet

    pickeledpigsfeet New Member

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    It also will completely taint your whole plans for getting older. Now I have to be concerned with this happening to me and my kids. I dont want them to care for me for years and hate who I became thanks to stroke.
     
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  12. Jan 19, 2020 at 11:07 PM
    #12
    Wahayes

    Wahayes [OP] Older I get the wiser I realize my dad was

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    I can completely relate. I have entirely changed my lifestyle as a result of this. I started working out again, changed my diet and have lost 25lbs. I am determined this will not happen to me. She unfortunately brought much of her health issues on herself not eating right not exercising and having high blood pressure. Luckily I have never had blood pressure issues even at my worst shape.
     
  13. Jan 19, 2020 at 11:14 PM
    #13
    pickeledpigsfeet

    pickeledpigsfeet New Member

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    Yep. Now I am taking cholesterol meds just to keep my chances as low as possible. My dad had a genetic defect and supposedly me and my brothers likely inherited it. So now I am actually dreading getting old. He had just retired and bought a RV and was looking forward to a new life.
     
  14. Jan 19, 2020 at 11:20 PM
    #14
    Wahayes

    Wahayes [OP] Older I get the wiser I realize my dad was

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    Luckily for me hers were bad choices. She ate fast food nearly daily. My dad is the picture of health except for parkinsons. He likely got the disease from working Iin the chemical plants in houston. My grandparents have no history of stroke and lived to their late 80s early 90s on both sides. My moms mom died of stroke but not the same way. She had to have a surgery at 88 and the trauma from it caused a stroke and she passed. My mom seems to be a one off and is only 67. She also suffered from mental illness depression and anxiety prior to the stroke that likely didnt help.
     
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  15. Jan 19, 2020 at 11:33 PM
    #15
    realtorblake

    realtorblake Tundra Thunda

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    You won't get "your" answer here... just other's experiences. Just do what you think is right for you and your family. I've been there already and there is no right answer. It boils down to taking care of you and yours... You are the only one that can make those decisions. I know it sucks, but you have to make the decision that is right for everyone.

    Sorry you are having to go thru this... I felt the same way when I did. Best of luck and think about your family first.
     
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  16. Jan 19, 2020 at 11:48 PM
    #16
    Wahayes

    Wahayes [OP] Older I get the wiser I realize my dad was

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    yes ultimately I guess I know that but I guess I just wanted confirmation I'm not a horrible person if I let her stay in texas. It feels awful but I feel like its necessary
     
  17. Jan 20, 2020 at 12:44 AM
    #17
    TacomaLC

    TacomaLC New Member

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    Sorry to hear what your family is going through. I think you have to be pragmatic and not emotional in this decision. to me, it is clear you keep your dad away from her and with you. And, if you can't reasonably afford to bring her to Utah, she stays in Texas in a safe healthy environment. And finally, you need to be reasonable and realistic about how much you can take on and how much you can afford. Your wife and kids should be priority #1-- I guarantee a healthy mom and dad would want that for you. Sending good thoughts and peace
     
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  18. Jan 20, 2020 at 3:21 AM
    #18
    Pinay

    Pinay New Member

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    I want to echo what @realtorblake said. We can share our personal experiences with you, but ultimately you do what’s best for you and your family.

    My mom had a stroke 3 yrs ago. Thankfully she was found relatively quick and got treatment. She is fine physically but has speech aphasia. To this day she has trouble expressing herself; she cannot or or has extreme difficulty saying what’s on her mind. She knows what to say, but it just does not come out how she wants.
    It is mostly a guessing game for me and my siblings to know what she wants and it frustrates her to no end. She says it’s so hard that she wants to pass away and be with my dad.
    We tell her we’re fine and we’re helping her, but imagine losing your way of expression. And none of us can do anything about it but be supportive and caring.
    Because of her frustration she sometimes lashes out. It’s hard to be the blunt of that, but it isn’t her fault and we just grin n bear it and keep going.

    I don’t think you’ll find the answer with us here, but know you are a good son for wanting the best for her and your dad. I will keep you in my thoughts and just do your best!
     
  19. Jan 20, 2020 at 5:00 AM
    #19
    Wahayes

    Wahayes [OP] Older I get the wiser I realize my dad was

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    @Pinay thank you and I agree in that I won't find the answer here. I will say hearing others experiences and allowing myself to let it out and share it has helped in itself. My mom has aphasia as well. She also expresses the want to die nearly daily. I think I will keep her in Texas. It makes the most sense financially and even though my dad sees her often now it has not been for the better. It's taken its toll on him.

    @TacomaLC definitely my wife and kids are first. Thankfully my kids are old enough to process this and have offered willingly to help with dad when he gets here. My family has been super supportive.
     
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  20. Jan 20, 2020 at 5:03 AM
    #20
    Wahayes

    Wahayes [OP] Older I get the wiser I realize my dad was

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    I prayed alot last night, not sure what others beleive but I myself am Christian, and prayed that God give her peace in whatever form that comes in living or otherwise. I also am pretty sure I have decided on her staying texas. It really won't impact her one way or the other as no matter what she isn't happy and it's what is easiest on myself and my family and I think I am at peace with that as hard as it may be.
     
  21. Jan 20, 2020 at 5:05 AM
    #21
    Johnsonman

    Johnsonman New Member

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    We all have much more in common than not. I've been thru this situation with my own parents and my best friends too.

    I'll never forget my mother's words when I asked her, 'Are you OK? 'once when she was in a nursing home (age 104), her response (in spanish), "Abandonada". It still cuts today.

    Do whats in your heart and don't look back. The end is rarely pretty for anyone and it helps us plan for our own demise. Luck.
     
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  22. Jan 20, 2020 at 5:09 AM
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    Montana bound

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    Sorry to hear this. My family moved in with my mom about 2 years ago because she couldn’t take care of my dad, who passed away in December. She has dementia and has good and bad days and can be mean as well. All I can say is tell her you love her and if she doesn’t want the help you offer, you can’t make her. If you have POA, then maybe that could help but I’m no lawyer. My family and I are at the point we’re we are moving away and letting my siblings step up and do their part. All I can say is if you move them in with you, in my experience, it takes a toll on your life but we only have a certain amount of time with our family here on earth. Good luck and I’ll send a little prayer your way.
     
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  23. Jan 20, 2020 at 5:15 AM
    #23
    Wahayes

    Wahayes [OP] Older I get the wiser I realize my dad was

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    @Montana bound yes I do have medical and financial poa over both parents so all decisions end with me. I think the biggest thing for me is that i do right by my dad and that i do right by god. Those are the two i lose sleep over.
     
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  24. Jan 20, 2020 at 5:54 AM
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    mt95

    mt95 New Member

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    Just my two cents worth here--No matter which decision you make, you will think back upon it later at some moment and beat yourself up over the decision. All you can really do in these situations is to make the best informed decision possible at the time and go from there. You don't ever have the time to really think things through at the time to make your decisions. Go with your gut. It is not an easy thing, the process you are going through.
     
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  25. Jan 20, 2020 at 6:20 AM
    #25
    MARanger

    MARanger Lost in the woods

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    My family is in the exact situation. Mom had massive stroke, physically is probably better than she was, as she has lost weight and stopped drinking, but mentally she is the same as yours with anger issues, constant threats of suicide, and small issues easily become life and death situations in her mind. Dad was taking care of her, but his Parkinson's is degrading to the point where he will soon no longer be able to care for her. We are not in a place to support them and neither is willing to move into a home.

    I don't have a true answer for you, but wanted to share that you are not alone I this issue
     
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  26. Jan 20, 2020 at 6:37 AM
    #26
    ColoradoTJ

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    Visiting and making medical decisions for your mom in Texas vs Utah would be my choice.
    Remember when you were a child and your parents made all the tough decisions for you because of maturity? Looks like the roles have reversed, and you are now the one making the tough decisions.
    I would also make the decision based on what is easier for you in this already stressful/tough time. This situation most likely isn’t going to get better, but worse. This is how it was for my grandmother, and moving her closer to her daughter was the best thing for everyone.
     
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  27. Jan 20, 2020 at 6:50 AM
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    Wahayes

    Wahayes [OP] Older I get the wiser I realize my dad was

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    @MARanger thankfully as long as there is a tv with espn my dad doesn't care if he moves into a nursing home eventually he understands his limitations. Parkinsons is a hard disease. If you havent already may look into deep brain stimulation surgery. It added probably 10 years at least of quality of life years for my dad.
     
  28. Jan 20, 2020 at 7:08 AM
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    TXMiamiFan

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    Sorry to hear.
     
  29. Jan 20, 2020 at 7:12 AM
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    MARanger

    MARanger Lost in the woods

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    Thank you, I will look into it. His mother (my grandmother) also had Parkinson’s, and we know what it brings. Luckily his symptoms didn’t develop until he was 70.

    unfortunately for mom, it’s been 5 years since her stroke. Where she has recovered to now is as good as she will get, and she refuses to admit it to herself. Instead of embracing the fact she is still alive, which was touch and go after the stroke, She looks at placing blame on her Doctors, nurses, therapists and us. I completely understand the issues you are undergoing with your own mother.
     
    Last edited: Jan 20, 2020
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  30. Jan 20, 2020 at 7:19 AM
    #30
    GreatBigAbyss

    GreatBigAbyss New Member

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    That sucks. I'm sorry. About 6 years ago, my Nana suffered from a stroke (and then a series of strokes after that). It permanently changed her character, and like your Mom, she became very combative, and paranoid, and even verbally abusive to her kids and grandkids. It was very hard to see her this way. She ended up living in a nursing home for a couple of years before she eventually passed away about 4 years ago.

    Now, obviously, I don't know the full story of your Mom, I don't know your family situation, etc. If it was my Mom, I would want her to be in a city where she has family who can visit and check up on her. If she needs to move into a home to be taken care of, then that is probably what should happen. If you have family in Texas who is willing to visit her on the regular, then leave her in Texas where she wants to stay. Otherwise, I would think that a move to Utah to be closer to you wouldn't be a bad idea.
     

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