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Joke Thread

Discussion in 'Off-Topic Discussion' started by nk1794, Apr 3, 2018.

  1. May 13, 2019 at 8:26 AM
    #211
    YardBird

    YardBird New Member

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    [​IMG]

    This is why you should never make assumptions. But do you think the woman really understood what Lee Trevino meant?


    Golfer Lee Trevino funny encounter with a neighbor

    One day, shortly after joining the PGA tour in 1965, a professional golfer and married man, was at his home in Dallas, Texas, Lee Trevino, mowing his front lawn, as he always did.

    A lady driving by in a big, shiny Cadillac stopped in front of his house, lowered the window and asked, “Excuse me, do you speak English?”

    Lee responded, “Yes Ma’am, I do.”

    The lady then asked, “What do you charge to do yard work?”

    Lee said, “Well, the lady in this house lets me sleep with her.”

    The lady hurriedly put the car into gear and sped off.
     
  2. May 13, 2019 at 9:17 AM
    #212
    Ostrich

    Ostrich One bit me once.

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    3/1 level, black leather, raptor style grille
    I told my man last night that I like his beard, he told me "I didn't like it at first, but it grew on me." :rofl:
     
  3. May 13, 2019 at 9:34 AM
    #213
    YardBird

    YardBird New Member

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  4. May 13, 2019 at 4:04 PM
    #214
    YardBird

    YardBird New Member

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  5. May 13, 2019 at 4:35 PM
    #215
    bfd300

    bfd300 New Member

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    Woman goes to her doctor and says Dr. these hormone pills you got me on or just a little too strong the doctor replies why what is the matter? the woman says I’m starting to get hair on my chest the doctor says really how far down does the hair go? She says all the way down to my dick and that’s another thing!
     
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  6. May 13, 2019 at 4:54 PM
    #216
    dd04tundra

    dd04tundra New Member

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    None ......YET
    What does a gynecologist and a pizza delivery guy have in common?...........

    They can smell it but cant eat it.
     
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  7. May 13, 2019 at 5:09 PM
    #217
    Medic343

    Medic343 No longer the new guy

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    What did the egg say to the pot of boiling water...


    ...it's gonna take awhile for me to get hard I just got laid.
     
  8. May 17, 2019 at 1:19 PM
    #218
    YardBird

    YardBird New Member

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    [​IMG]

    Definition of the word "coincidence"


    A chicken farmer went to the local bar ...He sat next to a woman and ordered champagne.

    The woman said:
    - " How strange, I also just ordered a glass of champagne".

    - " What a coincidence " - said the farmer, who added: " It is a
    special day for me .... I am celebrating..."

    - " It is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!" - said the woman.

    - "What a coincidence" - said the farmer.

    While they toasted, the man asked:- " What are you celebrating? "

    - " My husband and I have been trying to have a child for years, and today, my gynecologist told me that I was pregnant".

    - " What a coincidence !" - said the man - " I am a chicken farmer and for years all my hens were infertile, but now they are all set to lay
    fertilized eggs. "

    - " This is awesome" - said the woman.

    - " What did you do for your chickens to become fertile?"

    " I used a different rooster " - he said.

    The woman smiled and said: "What a coincidence"
     
  9. May 22, 2019 at 9:08 AM
    #219
    YardBird

    YardBird New Member

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    [​IMG]

    Two nuns are riding their bikes back from the library to their convent. On the way, one nun suggest they take a short cut down a cobble stone alley way.

    About half way down the alley way, one nun says to the other nun, "Wow, I've never come this way before !"

    The other nun replies, "Neither have I. It must be the cobble stones . . . "
     
  10. May 28, 2019 at 7:13 PM
    #220
    bovavet

    bovavet New Member

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    OH, thats bad
     
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  11. May 29, 2019 at 7:03 AM
    #221
    YardBird

    YardBird New Member

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    [​IMG]

    Trickle down only works in urinals and downspouts !​



    It is the month of August, on the shores of the Black Sea . It is raining, and the little town looks totally deserted. It is tough times, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.
    Suddenly, a rich tourist comes to town.
    He enters the only hotel, lays a 100-euro note on the reception counter, and goes to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one.
    The hotel proprietor takes the 100-euro note and runs to pay his debt to the butcher.
    The butcher takes the 100-euro note and runs to pay what he owes the pig farmer.
    The pig farmer takes the 100-euro note and runs to pay his debt to his supplier of feed and fuel.
    The supplier of feed and fuel takes the 100-euro note and runs to pay his debt to the town’s prostitute that, in these hard times, proffered her ‘services’ on credit.
    The prostitute take the 100-euro note and runs to the hotel to pay for the rooms she rented when she brought her clients there.
    The hotel proprietor then lays the 100-euro note back on the counter so that the rich tourist will not suspect anything.
    At that moment, the rich tourist comes down after inspecting the rooms, takes the 100-euro note off the desk, tucks it back into his wallet, and explains that he did not like any of the rooms. He then leaves town.
    No one earned a penny. However, the whole town is now without debt and looks to the future with great optimism.

    “And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the United States Government is doing business.”
     
  12. May 29, 2019 at 7:30 AM
    #222
    DarthMurdicide

    DarthMurdicide Executive Redneck

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    Wife goes to her marriage counselor sans the hubby and says she needs more amorous time with her husband. He's just too tired when he gets home after working all day. The marriage counselor gives her some blue pills and says "slip 1/2 a pill in his after-dinner cocktail, and I promise you'll get some wonderful affection."

    Wife does this, and sure enough, they have an hour of passionate love-making.

    Wife wants a couple of hours of it, so the next night she slips a whole pill in his drink. Sure enough, she is ravished by the hubby for two hours.

    Wife wants multiple hours of this rigorous intimacy. She slips 1/2 the bottle of pills in his drink.

    The cops are called to the house. A little boy answers the door. The cop asks "we have complaints of loud noises at this residence. Is everything alright?"

    The little boy says "no, everything is not alright!!"

    "My mother's dead, my sister's pregnant, my asshole's hurting, and dad's in the basement yelling "here kitty kitty kitty""
     
  13. May 29, 2019 at 8:40 AM
    #223
    YardBird

    YardBird New Member

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    [​IMG]

    A woman goes into the Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.

    A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing dark shades.

    She says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

    He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes."

    She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

    He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. test line.

    It's a good all-around combination and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."

    She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter.

    I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

    Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says. She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts.

    At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.

    The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please."

    The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me the rod and reel was on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"

    He replies, "Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Bear Repellent is $3.50."
     
  14. Jun 11, 2019 at 7:18 AM
    #224
    YardBird

    YardBird New Member

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    [​IMG]

    A young ventriloquist is touring Norway and puts on a show in a small fishing town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.


    Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype Norwegian blonde women that way? What does the color of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. Its people like you that make others think that all blondes are dumb! You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, pathetically all in the name of humor!"


    The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde interrupts yelling, "You stay out of this! I'm talking to that dummy on your lap."
     
  15. Jun 16, 2019 at 3:33 PM
    #225
    YardBird

    YardBird New Member

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    cell phone.jpg


    After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in his seat and closed his eyes.

    As the train rolled out of the station, the young woman sitting next to him pulled

    out her cell phone and started talking in a loud voice:

    "Hi sweetheart.It's Sue. I'm on the train".

    "Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting".

    "No, honey, not with that Kevin from the accounting office. It was with the boss".

    "No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life".

    "Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart!"

    Fifteen minutes later, she was still talking loudly.


    When the man sitting next to her had enough, he leaned over and said into the phone,

    "Sue, hang up the phone and come back to bed."


    Sue doesn't use her cell phone in public any longer.
     
    Darkness, 1UPPER, jewsNbrews and 4 others like this.
  16. Jun 21, 2019 at 7:08 AM
    #226
    YardBird

    YardBird New Member

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    Golf Course.jpg

    Frank always looked on the bright side. He would constantly irritate his friends with his eternal optimism.
    No matter how horrible the circumstance, he would always reply "It could have been worse."
    To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a situation so completely bad, so terrible, that even Frank could find no hope in it.
    On the golf course one day, one of them said, "Frank, did you hear about Tom?"
    "He came home last night, found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both and then turned the gun on himself!"
    "That's awful," said Frank, "but it could have been worse."
    "How in the hell," asked his bewildered friend, "could it have been worse?"
    "Well," replied Frank, "if it happened the night before, I'd be dead now!"
     
  17. Jun 21, 2019 at 12:41 PM
    #227
    YardBird

    YardBird New Member

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    [​IMG]

    McCready the Boatbuilder


    An Irishman enters a pub and sits down to have a beer, the bartender seeing the man is melancholy asks the man "and what’s wrong that has ruined this fine day for you me lad?"

    The Irishman (gesturing towards the window) replies," you see them fences out there?
    I built them fences with me bare hands, but do they call me McCready the fence builder? No...they don’t."

    The bartender says" Wow, that’s really tough, sorry for you laddy."

    Gesturing again to the window, McCready says, "And do you see them boats down in the harbor?
    I built them boats with me bare hands, but do they call me McCready the boat builder? No...they don’t."

    Again the bartender says," Sorry McCready, that really sucks."

    Cutting the bartender off and gesturing toward the window one last time, McCready says,

    "and do you see all them houses out there? I built them houses with me bare hands, but do they call me Mcready the contractor?

    No, they don’t.

    BUT YOU FORK ONE GOAT . . . !”
     
    Patch999, Trooper2 and jewsNbrews like this.
  18. Jun 27, 2019 at 5:03 AM
    #228
    Fotnot

    Fotnot Clueless Carl

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    What's the difference between 3 dicks and a joke?
    Ford owners can't take a joke.
     
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  19. Jun 27, 2019 at 5:12 AM
    #229
    markg

    markg New Member

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    What's the difference between a light bulb and a pregnant woman?
















































    You can unscrew a light bulb
     
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  20. Jun 27, 2019 at 7:47 AM
    #230
    YardBird

    YardBird New Member

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    [​IMG]

    A motorcycle officer stops a man for running a red light. The guy is a real jerk and comes running back to the motor officer. The violator demands to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo! So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit terms. The officer, being a professional, takes it all in stride.


    The tirade goes on without the cop saying anything. When he gets done with writing the citation he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the citation. He then hands it to the violator for his signature.


    The guy signs the citation angrily, tearing the paper, and when presented his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for. The officer then removes his mirror sunglasses, gets in the middle of the guys face and say, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember you're an A$$hole!"


    Three months later they are in court. The violator has such a bad record he's about to lose his license and has hired an attorney to represent him. On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run the red light. Under cross examination the defense attorney asks: "Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the citation you issued my client?"


    Officer responds: "Yes sir, this is the defendants copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top. "


    Attorney: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this citation you don't normally make?"


    Officer: "Yes sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an 'AH', underlined.


    Attorney: "What does the AH stand for, officer?"


    Officer: "'Aggressive" and 'Hostile', Sir"


    Attorney: "'Aggressive' and 'Hostile'"


    Officer: "Yes Sir."


    Attorney: "Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for A$$hole?"


    Officer: "Well Sir, you know your client better than I do!"
     
  21. Jun 27, 2019 at 8:22 AM
    #231
    Fotnot

    Fotnot Clueless Carl

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    A man gets assigned a new job in Alaska. After being there for months, he goes into a bar for a drink. He sits down for a beer and strikes up a conversation with the bartender. After a few, he decides to tells the bartender,
    "So, I've been here for months. I have seen very few women! What do y'all do for sex?!?!"
    The bartender tells him, "Look, you seem like a nice guy. So I tell you what...go behind the bar and you'll find a barrel. You'll know what to do."
    So the man finishes his beer and walks behind the bar, and behold, there is a barrel with a hole in it. So the man looks around, unzips, then carefully slides it in. He then starts feeling this amazing sensation! After a moment he finishes then runs inside to tell the bartender. "OMG, that is amazing! I'm going to use that barrel every day!"
    Bartender says, "Whoa....that's fine, but not Tuesdays."
    Man asks "Why not Tuesdays?"
    Bartender replies, "That's your day in the barrel."
     
  22. Jun 27, 2019 at 8:35 AM
    #232
    justfortun

    justfortun New Member

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    What's the difference between an all girls cross country team and a group of very smart little people?

    One's a pack of cunning runts
     
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  23. Jun 27, 2019 at 1:46 PM
    #233
    YardBird

    YardBird New Member

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    [​IMG]

    A guy goes into a tattoo parlor and asks for a tattoo of a $100 bill on his penis.
    Curious, the tattoo artist asks him why he would possibly want that.
    “Three reasons: I like to play with my money, I like to watch my money grow, and the next time the wife wants to blow a hundred bucks . . . ”
     
  24. Jun 29, 2019 at 9:30 PM
    #234
    YardBird

    YardBird New Member

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    [​IMG]


    A group of men live and die for their Saturday morning golf game. One

    of them transfers to another city and they’re lost without him.


    A new woman joins their club. When she hears the guys talking about

    their golf round, she says, “I played on my college’s golf team. I

    was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?


    “No one wants to say ‘yes’, but they’re on the spot. Finally,

    one man says … Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m. He figures the early

    tee-time will discourage her.


    The woman says this may be a problem, and asks if she can be up to 15

    minutes late.


    They roll their eyes, but say, “Okay”.


    She’s there at 6:30 a.m. sharp and beats all of them with an

    eye-opening 2-under par round. She’s fun and pleasant, and the guys

    are impressed. They congratulate her and invite her back the next

    week. She smiles and says, “I’ll be there at 6:30 or 6:45.”


    The next week she again shows up at 6:30 sharp. Only this time, she

    plays left-handed. The three guys are incredulous as she still beats

    them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand.

    They’re totally amazed.


    They can’t figure her out. She’s very pleasant and a gracious

    winner. They invite her back again, but each man harbors a burning

    desire to beat her.


    The third week, she’s 15 minutes late, which irritates the guys.

    This week she plays right-handed and narrowly beats all three of them.


    The men grumble that her late arrival is petty gamesmanship on her

    part. However, she’s so charming and complimentary of their strong

    play, they can’t hold a grudge.


    This woman is a riddle no one can figure out. They have a couple of

    beers in the Clubhouse, and finally, one of the men asks her, “How

    do you decide if you’re going to golf right-handed or

    left-handed?”


    The lady blushes and grins. “When my Dad taught me to play golf, I

    learned I was ambidextrous,” she replies. “I like to switch back

    and forth.”


    “When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always

    sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right

    before I leave in the morning for golf practice, I pull the covers off

    him. If his Willie points to the right, I golf right-handed; if it

    points to the left, I golf left-handed.”


    The guys think this is hysterical. Astonished at this bizarre

    information, one of the guys says, “What if it’s pointing straight

    up?”


    She says, “Then, I’m fifteen minutes late.”
     
  25. Jul 1, 2019 at 10:58 AM
    #235
    YardBird

    YardBird New Member

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    [​IMG]

    Brother John entered the ’Monastery of Silence’ and the Chief Priest said, "Brother, this is a silent monastery, you are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so."

    Brother John lived in the monastery for five years before the Chief Priest said to him "Brother John,you have been here five years now, you may speak two words."

    Brother John said, "Hard Bed."

    "I’m sorry to hear that" the Chief Priest said.

    "We will get you a better bed."

    After another five years, Brother John was called by the Chief Priest.

    "You may say another two words Brother John."

    "Cold Food." said Brother John, and the Chief Priest assured him that the food would be better in the future.

    On his 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Chief Priest again called Brother John into his office.

    "Two words you may say today."

    "I Quit." said Brother John.

    "It is probably best." said the Chief Priest.

    "You’ve done nothing but complain since you got here."
     
  26. Jul 9, 2019 at 7:06 AM
    #236
    Moon Puppy

    Moon Puppy New Member

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    Bob
    South Carolina
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    You know what a fat chick and a moped have in common?
    They both fun to ride but you don't want your friends to see you on one.
     
  27. Jul 10, 2019 at 9:53 PM
    #237
    YardBird

    YardBird New Member

    Joined:
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    First Name:
    Jonesy
    San Diego
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    2005 RCLB
    American Thunder Cat Back ~ Retrax Pro ~ Toyota Bed Mat ~ OEM Split Spoke Wheels
    [​IMG]

    A farmer was selling his peaches door to door.

    [​IMG]
    He knocked on a door and a shapely 30-something woman dressed in a very sheer negligee answered the door.

    He raised his basket to show her the peaches and asked, "Would you like to buy some peaches?"

    She pulled the top of the negligee to one side and asked, "Are they as firm as this?"

    He nodded his head and said, "Yes ma'am," and a little tear ran from his eye.

    Then she pulled the other side of her negligee off asking, "Are they nice and pink like this?"

    The farmer said, "Yes," and another tear came from the other eye.

    Then she unbuttoned the bottom of her negligee and asked, "Are they as fuzzy as this?"

    He again said, "Yes," and broke down crying.

    She asked , "Why on earth are you crying?"

    Drying his eyes he replied,

    "The drought got my corn, the flood got my soy beans, a tornado leveled my barn, and now I think I'm gonna get screwed out of my peaches."
     
    1UPPER, Ely010606, JC303 and 4 others like this.
  28. Jul 25, 2019 at 4:51 PM
    #238
    COMiamiFan

    COMiamiFan Wanna pet my Woobie?

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    Jose
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    TRD Pro Grille, ESP Storage, Tailgate Inserts, Line-X Bedliner, Weathertech Floorliners, Wet Okole Seat Covers, 5" Shorty Antenna, Mickey Thompson MM-366 Wheels, ToyTec Boss, 35" BFG KO2 to name a few.
  29. Jul 25, 2019 at 9:03 PM
    #239
    YardBird

    YardBird New Member

    Joined:
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    Male
    First Name:
    Jonesy
    San Diego
    Vehicle:
    2005 RCLB
    American Thunder Cat Back ~ Retrax Pro ~ Toyota Bed Mat ~ OEM Split Spoke Wheels
    [​IMG]

    A penguin has some car trouble...

    [​IMG]
    A vacationing penguin is driving his car through Arizona when he notices that the oil pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor.
    He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.

    After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot.
    He gets a big dish of ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands he makes a real mess trying to eat with his flippers.
    After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem.
    The mechanic looks up and says, "It looks like you blew a seal."

    "No no," the penguin replies, "it's just ice cream."
     
    Trooper2 and COMiamiFan like this.
  30. Jul 29, 2019 at 5:47 PM
    #240
    YardBird

    YardBird New Member

    Joined:
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    Male
    First Name:
    Jonesy
    San Diego
    Vehicle:
    2005 RCLB
    American Thunder Cat Back ~ Retrax Pro ~ Toyota Bed Mat ~ OEM Split Spoke Wheels
    [​IMG]

    The madam opened the brothel door in Winnipeg and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late fifties.


    "May I help you sir?", she asked.


    The man replied, "I want to see Valerie."


    "Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else", said the madam.


    He replied, "No, I must see Valerie".


    Just then, a gorgeous Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $5,000 a visit.


    Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs.


    After an hour, the man calmly left.


    The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie.


    Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive.


    "There are no discounts. The price is still $5,000."


    Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs.


    After an hour, he left.


    The following night the man was there yet again.


    Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.


    After their session, Valerie said to the man, "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row".


    Where are you from?"


    The man replied, "New Brunswick. "


    "Really," she said. "I have family in New Brunswick. "


    "I know." the man said. "Your sister died, and I am her attorney. She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance."


    The moral of this story is that three things in life are certain:


    1. Death

    2. Taxes

    3. Being screwed by a lawyer
     
    Trooper2, Darkness, Fotnot and 3 others like this.

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