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Joke Thread

Discussion in 'Off-Topic Discussion' started by nk1794, Apr 3, 2018.

  1. Aug 2, 2018 at 1:45 PM
    #211
    Patch999

    Patch999 You are what you do when it counts

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    A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.

    He decides to test it out at dinner one night.

    The father asks his son what he did that afternoon

    The son says, "I did some schoolwork."

    The robot slaps the son.

    The son says, "OK, OK. I was at a friend's house watching movies."

    Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"

    Son says, "Toy Story."

    The robot slaps the son.

    Son says, "OK, OK. We were watching porn."

    Dad says, "What? At your age, I didn't even know what porn was."

    The robot slaps the father.

    Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son."

    The robot slaps the mother.
     
  2. Aug 14, 2018 at 1:55 PM
    #212
    JoshuaA

    JoshuaA Behind every great mod is a wife rolling her eyes

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    A Native American child walked up to his father, the Chief of their great tribe, and asked "Father, how do you name your children?"

    The Chief sat up and explained "When your mother finishes giving birth, I walk outside the tee pee and whatever I behold of nature, I name the child. For example, when your brother was born I looked into the sky and saw a great bird, so I named him "Soaring Eagle". And when you sister was born I beheld the great river, so I named her Roaring Brook.

    Why do you ask, Two Dogs Fucking?"
     
  3. Aug 14, 2018 at 9:31 PM
    #213
    Tundra Fan

    Tundra Fan Cotton Member

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    Three words to ruin a woman's ego.............."I can't tell"
     
    Last edited: Aug 14, 2018
  4. Aug 14, 2018 at 9:40 PM
    #214
    MotoTundra

    MotoTundra The Ocho

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    -TRS Mini D2S Retrofit on TRD Pro Headlights (Apollo 2.0 Shrouds, 35w XB Ballasts, 5500k Bulbs) -Baja Designs Squadron R Sport Aux lights. -TRD Pro Grill -TRD Rear Sway Bar -BakFlip VP Tonneau w/BakBox -Dipped wheels & bumpers -Iron Cross HD steps -Undercover Swingcase -SunTek Paint Protection film -Tinted glass -Bedmat -OEM Towing Mirrors
    Dad joke....

    Why can't you tell an egg a joke?

    Because it will crack up.
     
    Ostrich, Trooper2, COMiamiFan and 2 others like this.
  5. Aug 14, 2018 at 11:52 PM
    #215
    Part_time

    Part_time New Member

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    What kind of food stops a woman from having sex?



    Wedding cake
     
  6. Aug 28, 2018 at 11:13 AM
    #216
    saybng

    saybng New Member

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  7. Nov 9, 2018 at 9:00 AM
    #217
    COMiamiFan

    COMiamiFan Wanna pet my Woobie?

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    BUMP

    The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona physics mid-term, and an actual answer turned in by a student.

    The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :

    Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

    Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

    One student, however, wrote the following:

    First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely.. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

    Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

    This gives two possibilities:

    1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
    2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, so then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

    So which is it?

    If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct..... ...leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'

    THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.
     
    Ostrich, OR18TRD, Trooper2 and 4 others like this.
  8. Nov 19, 2018 at 8:20 AM
    #218
    Prostar 190

    Prostar 190 White is sooooo Slow!!! MGM RULES!

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    A woman goes to a tattoo parlor and asked for a tattoo of a turkey on one thigh and a Christmas tree on the other.

    The guy at the tattoo parlor ask why you want a turkey on one and a Christmas tree on the other.

    The lady replies my husband always says there's nothing to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas.
     
    OR18TRD, Jim LE 1301, JC303 and 4 others like this.
  9. Nov 19, 2018 at 8:34 AM
    #219
    Steve89gt

    Steve89gt New Member

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    De-badged, De-chromed, TRD CAI, TRD Exhaust, Bilstein 5100s, Fuel 18 x 9 wheels, BFG KO2s 275/70/18, ESP Underseat Storage
    Neutron walks into a bar. The neutron says “Barkeep! How much does a beer cost?”

    Barkeep replies “For you, no charge.”

    I’ll show myself out now...
     
    Ostrich, COMiamiFan, JC303 and 4 others like this.
  10. Nov 19, 2018 at 10:58 AM
    #220
    15whtrd

    15whtrd Mr. Blonde

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    What does the sign on the out of business brothel say?









    Beat it. We’re closed.
     
    Last edited: Nov 19, 2018
    landphil, Ostrich, Trooper2 and 5 others like this.
  11. Nov 19, 2018 at 12:18 PM
    #221
    Jim LE 1301

    Jim LE 1301 Camaro Lover

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    To those of you who are nit-pickers about the meaning of words, there is a medical distinction between GUTS and BALLS. We've all heard about people having Guts or Balls, but do you really know the difference between them?


    In order to keep you informed, here are the definitions:


    … GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the boys, being met by your wife at the door with a broom and having the Gutsto ask, "Are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"


    … BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the boys, smelling of perfume and beer, with lipstick on your collar and slapping your wife on the bottom and having theBalls to say, "You're next, chubby."


    Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome.

    Both result in pain.
     
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  12. Nov 30, 2018 at 8:02 AM
    #222
    JoshuaA

    JoshuaA Behind every great mod is a wife rolling her eyes

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    There's a guy going around dipping his testicles in glitter...

    It's pretty nuts
     
    Ostrich, OR18TRD, JC303 and 5 others like this.
  13. Jan 4, 2019 at 1:32 PM
    #223
    War Machine

    War Machine Premium Elite Member

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    The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured
    by an enemy Indian War Party.
    The Indian Chief proclaims,
    "So, YOU are the great Lone Ranger" .
    "In honor of the Harvest Festival,

    YOU will be executed in three days."
    "Before I kill you, I grant you three requests"
    "What is your FIRST request ???'
    The Lone Ranger responds,
    "I'd like to speak to my horse."
    The Chief nods and Silver is brought
    before the Lone Ranger who whispers in
    Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.
    Later that evening, Silver returns with
    a beautiful blonde woman on his back.
    As the Indian Chief watches,
    the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent
    and spends the night.

    The next morning the Indian Chief admits
    he's impressed..
    "You have a very fine and loyal horse",
    "But I will still kill you in two days."
    "What is your SECOND request ???"
    The Lone Ranger again asks to speak
    to his horse.
    Silver is brought to him,
    and he again whispers in the horse's ear.
    As before, Silver takes off and disappears over the horizon.
    Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise,
    Silver again returns, this time with a
    voluptuous brunette, more attractive
    than the blonde.

    She enters the Lone Rangers tent
    and spends the night.
    The following morning the Indian Chief
    is again impressed.
    "You are indeed a man of many talents,"
    "But I will still kill you tomorrow."
    "What is your LAST request ???"

    The Lone Ranger responds,
    "I'd like to speak to my horse, .... alone."
    The Chief is curious, but he agrees,
    and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.
    Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears,

    Looks him square in the eye and says,

    Listen Very Carefully !!!!

    FOR... THE... LAST... TIME...
    I SAID ...
    "BRING POSSE"
     
    landphil, saybng and jewsNbrews like this.
  14. Jan 16, 2019 at 2:20 PM
    #224
    YardBird

    YardBird New Member

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    [​IMG]

    McCready the Boat Builder


    An Irishman enters a pub and sits down to have a beer, the bartender seeing the man is melancholy asks the man "and whats wrong that has ruined this fine day for you lad?"
    The Irishman (gesturing towards the window) replies," you see those fences out there? I built those fences with me bare hands, but do they call me McCready the fence builder? No...they don't."

    The bartender says" Wow, that's really tough, sorry for you laddy."

    Gesturing again to the window, McCready says, "And do you see those boats down in the harbor? I built those boats with me bare hands, but do they call me McCready the boat Builder? No...they don't."

    Again the bartender says, "Sorry McCready, that really sucks."

    Cutting the bartender off and gesturing toward the window one last time, McCready says "And do you see all those houses out there? I built them houses with me bare hands, but do they call me McCready the Contractor? No,they don't.......BUT YOU SCREW ONE GOAT . . . !"
     
    jewsNbrews and Trooper2 like this.
  15. May 13, 2019 at 12:18 AM
    #225
    YardBird

    YardBird New Member

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    [​IMG]
    A woman from San Francisco who was a tree hugging, liberal and an anti-hunter purchased a piece of timberland near Colville, WA . There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree.
    As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch. In considerable pain, she hurried to a local ER to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist and an anti- hunter and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She sat and waited three hours before the doctor re-appeared.
    The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?"
    He smiled and then told her, “Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old- growth timber from a ‘recreational area' so close to a Waste Treatment Facility, And I'm sorry, but due to The Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act they turned you down.
     
    Last edited: May 13, 2019
  16. May 13, 2019 at 1:04 AM
    #226
    OR18TRD

    OR18TRD Pândâ Crëw

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    Took these hiking in the old growth redwoods heading up to strawberry rock. Littering? :notsure:FDABD778-DEC0-49F9-85EA-2BB8AEDD2ABA.jpg 72CFE92F-5B84-4B05-9E87-9A5231F0DDF1.jpg
     
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  17. May 13, 2019 at 8:26 AM
    #227
    YardBird

    YardBird New Member

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    [​IMG]

    This is why you should never make assumptions. But do you think the woman really understood what Lee Trevino meant?


    Golfer Lee Trevino funny encounter with a neighbor

    One day, shortly after joining the PGA tour in 1965, a professional golfer and married man, was at his home in Dallas, Texas, Lee Trevino, mowing his front lawn, as he always did.

    A lady driving by in a big, shiny Cadillac stopped in front of his house, lowered the window and asked, “Excuse me, do you speak English?”

    Lee responded, “Yes Ma’am, I do.”

    The lady then asked, “What do you charge to do yard work?”

    Lee said, “Well, the lady in this house lets me sleep with her.”

    The lady hurriedly put the car into gear and sped off.
     
  18. May 13, 2019 at 9:17 AM
    #228
    Ostrich

    Ostrich One bit me once.

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    I told my man last night that I like his beard, he told me "I didn't like it at first, but it grew on me." :rofl:
     
  19. May 13, 2019 at 9:34 AM
    #229
    YardBird

    YardBird New Member

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  20. May 13, 2019 at 4:04 PM
    #230
    YardBird

    YardBird New Member

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    Parking2.jpg
     
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  21. May 13, 2019 at 4:05 PM
    #231
    Buckeyeota

    Buckeyeota New Member

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  22. May 13, 2019 at 4:35 PM
    #232
    bfd300

    bfd300 New Member

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    Woman goes to her doctor and says Dr. these hormone pills you got me on or just a little too strong the doctor replies why what is the matter? the woman says I’m starting to get hair on my chest the doctor says really how far down does the hair go? She says all the way down to my dick and that’s another thing!
     
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  23. May 13, 2019 at 4:54 PM
    #233
    dd04tundra

    dd04tundra New Member

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    None ......YET
    What does a gynecologist and a pizza delivery guy have in common?...........

    They can smell it but cant eat it.
     
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  24. May 13, 2019 at 5:09 PM
    #234
    Medic343

    Medic343 No longer the new guy

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    What did the egg say to the pot of boiling water...


    ...it's gonna take awhile for me to get hard I just got laid.
     
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  25. May 17, 2019 at 1:19 PM
    #235
    YardBird

    YardBird New Member

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    [​IMG]

    Definition of the word "coincidence"


    A chicken farmer went to the local bar ...He sat next to a woman and ordered champagne.

    The woman said:
    - " How strange, I also just ordered a glass of champagne".

    - " What a coincidence " - said the farmer, who added: " It is a
    special day for me .... I am celebrating..."

    - " It is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!" - said the woman.

    - "What a coincidence" - said the farmer.

    While they toasted, the man asked:- " What are you celebrating? "

    - " My husband and I have been trying to have a child for years, and today, my gynecologist told me that I was pregnant".

    - " What a coincidence !" - said the man - " I am a chicken farmer and for years all my hens were infertile, but now they are all set to lay
    fertilized eggs. "

    - " This is awesome" - said the woman.

    - " What did you do for your chickens to become fertile?"

    " I used a different rooster " - he said.

    The woman smiled and said: "What a coincidence"
     
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  26. May 22, 2019 at 9:08 AM
    #236
    YardBird

    YardBird New Member

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    [​IMG]

    Two nuns are riding their bikes back from the library to their convent. On the way, one nun suggest they take a short cut down a cobble stone alley way.

    About half way down the alley way, one nun says to the other nun, "Wow, I've never come this way before !"

    The other nun replies, "Neither have I. It must be the cobble stones . . . "
     

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