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Joke Thread

Discussion in 'Off-Topic Discussion' started by nk1794, Apr 3, 2018.

  1. Aug 1, 2018 at 4:40 PM
    #181
    landphil

    landphil The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.

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    What do you get when you drop a grand piano down a mine shaft?

    ”A flat minor.”
     
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  2. Aug 1, 2018 at 10:18 PM
    #182
    landphil

    landphil The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.

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    A few days before Christmas, a man enters a pet store looking for a unique gift for his wife. The store manager tells him he has just what he's looking for! A beautiful parrot named Chet that sings Christmas carols.
    He brings the husband over to a colorful but quiet bird. The man agrees that Chet certainly is pretty, but he doesn't seem to be much for singing. The manager tells him to watch as he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a lighter. The manager then clicks the lighter and holds it under Chet's left foot. Immediately Chet starts singing; "Silent Night, Holy Night."

    The husband is very impressed with Chet's singing abilities and watches as the manager moves the lighter underneath Chet's right foot. Chet now starts to sing "Jingle Bells, Jingle All the Way." The husband says Chet is perfect and that he'll take him.

    The husband rushes home to his wife and insists upon giving her this wonderful gift immediately. He presents Chet and starts to explain the parrot's special talent.

    Demonstrating, he holds a lighter under Chet's left foot and the bird sings "Silent Night." He then moves the lighter under the right foot and Chet lets loose a round of "Jingle Bells." The wife is absolutely impressed, and with a mischievous grin asks her husband what happens if he holds the lighter between Chet's legs instead. Curious the husband moves the lighter between the bird's legs, and the bird begins to sing - Chet's nuts Roasting on an Open Fire!
     
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  3. Aug 1, 2018 at 11:54 PM
    #183
    BestGen

    BestGen Trigger Happy Camper

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    What's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom?

    A pickpocket snatches your watch and a peeping tom watches your snatch! :p
     
    Last edited: Aug 2, 2018
  4. Aug 1, 2018 at 11:55 PM
    #184
    BestGen

    BestGen Trigger Happy Camper

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    Here's an oldie but a goody...
    What did Michael Jackson and Walmart have in common?

    They both have little boys pants half off! :eek2:
     
    Last edited: Aug 2, 2018
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  5. Aug 1, 2018 at 11:57 PM
    #185
    BestGen

    BestGen Trigger Happy Camper

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    What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?

    One is white, plastic, and a danger to little kids and the other carries your groceries! o_O
     
    Last edited: Aug 2, 2018
  6. Aug 2, 2018 at 7:24 AM
    #186
    BestGen

    BestGen Trigger Happy Camper

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    I love Helen Keller jokes! I got a few.

    Why is Helen Keller's leg always wet?

    Her dog is blind too!
     
  7. Aug 2, 2018 at 11:33 AM
    #187
    duece292

    duece292 Pennsylvania Hillbilly Deluxe

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    How did Helen Keller burn her ear?


    She answered the iron.
     
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  8. Aug 2, 2018 at 11:34 AM
    #188
    duece292

    duece292 Pennsylvania Hillbilly Deluxe

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    How did Helen Keller burn her other ear?


    They called back.
     
  9. Aug 2, 2018 at 11:52 AM
    #189
    jewsNbrews

    jewsNbrews MGM's for the win!!

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    Why couldn't Helen Keller drive?















    Because she was a woman.

    :rofl::anonymous::crapstorm:
     
  10. Aug 2, 2018 at 1:02 PM
    #190
    BestGen

    BestGen Trigger Happy Camper

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    What's Helen Keller favorite color?

    Corduroy :cool:
     
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  11. Aug 2, 2018 at 1:17 PM
    #191
    landphil

    landphil The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.

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    Phil
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    What do you call a deer with no eyes?

    Read answer with an aussie accent.
    No eye deer. :notsure:
     
  12. Aug 2, 2018 at 1:18 PM
    #192
    hokiehead

    hokiehead New Member

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    This is about the girl from West Virginia who was a virgin on her wedding night. She had heard plenty about sex and about many of the things that her friends had been asked to do by their partners. Concerned about the post-nuptial activities, the blushing bride confides to her mother these concerns about what is going to happen.

    "Don't worry," said the mother. "If he asks you to turn over and take it the other way, you don't have to do that if you don't want to. Just tell him".

    So, the couple get married and the wedding night goes by without the husband asking for anything she wasn't ready for. Then, after a year of marital bliss, the evening comes when her husband raises the subject: "honey, how about tonight we try something different and you turn over so we can try it the other way?"

    "No, no, no! My mother told me that I didn't have to do that!" the wife responds.

    "but, honey, don't you ever want to get pregnant?"
     
  13. Aug 2, 2018 at 1:30 PM
    #193
    landphil

    landphil The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.

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    A young Italian girl marries her sweetheart while a virgin, who is a war veteran.

    After the big family wedding, the newlyweds go upstairs in her parents home to consumate the marriage. The young bride is understandably nervous, and panics when her new husband removes his shirt.

    She runs down stairs, rushes to her mother and says “Momma, Momma, he’s got hair on his chest!”

    Her mother assures her that this is normal and good, calms her down, and sends her back upstairs.

    She arrives upstairs just in time to see her husband removing his shoes and socks, revealing his war injury in which he’d lost part of his left foot.

    The nervous bride freaks! She ran downstairs once again, this time yelling “Momma, Momma, he’s got a foot and a half!”

    Momma gets excited this time, and yells “Stir this soup, I gotta go see this for myself.”
     
  14. Aug 2, 2018 at 1:36 PM
    #194
    BestGen

    BestGen Trigger Happy Camper

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    A little girl comes home from school one day and tells her mother that the boys at school each gave her a nickel to climb the flagpole. Her mom told her that the boys just wanted to see her underwear so don't fall for it again. The next day when she came home her mother asked her if the boys offered her nickels again to climb the flagpole. She replied that they did. Her mother replied, oh no, you didn't do it did you? To which she replied she had but not to worry because the joke was on them. This time I took off my underwear! :D
     
  15. Aug 2, 2018 at 1:45 PM
    #195
    Patch999

    Patch999 You are what you do when it counts

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    A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.

    He decides to test it out at dinner one night.

    The father asks his son what he did that afternoon

    The son says, "I did some schoolwork."

    The robot slaps the son.

    The son says, "OK, OK. I was at a friend's house watching movies."

    Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"

    Son says, "Toy Story."

    The robot slaps the son.

    Son says, "OK, OK. We were watching porn."

    Dad says, "What? At your age, I didn't even know what porn was."

    The robot slaps the father.

    Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son."

    The robot slaps the mother.
     
  16. Aug 14, 2018 at 1:55 PM
    #196
    JoshuaA

    JoshuaA Nevermind mods, wife’s just rolling eyes

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    A Native American child walked up to his father, the Chief of their great tribe, and asked "Father, how do you name your children?"

    The Chief sat up and explained "When your mother finishes giving birth, I walk outside the tee pee and whatever I behold of nature, I name the child. For example, when your brother was born I looked into the sky and saw a great bird, so I named him "Soaring Eagle". And when you sister was born I beheld the great river, so I named her Roaring Brook.

    Why do you ask, Two Dogs Fucking?"
     
  17. Aug 14, 2018 at 9:31 PM
    #197
    Tundra Fan

    Tundra Fan Cotton Member

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    Three words to ruin a woman's ego.............."I can't tell"
     
    Last edited: Aug 14, 2018
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  18. Aug 14, 2018 at 9:40 PM
    #198
    MotoTundra

    MotoTundra The Ocho

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    -TRS Mini D2S Retrofit on TRD Pro Headlights (Apollo 2.0 Shrouds, 35w XB Ballasts, 5500k Bulbs) -Baja Designs Squadron R Sport Aux lights. -TRD Pro Grill -TRD Rear Sway Bar -BakFlip VP Tonneau w/BakBox -Dipped wheels & bumpers -Iron Cross HD steps -Undercover Swingcase -SunTek Paint Protection film -Tinted glass -Bedmat -OEM Towing Mirrors
    Dad joke....

    Why can't you tell an egg a joke?

    Because it will crack up.
     
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  19. Aug 14, 2018 at 11:52 PM
    #199
    Part_time

    Part_time New Member

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    What kind of food stops a woman from having sex?



    Wedding cake
     
  20. Aug 28, 2018 at 11:13 AM
    #200
    saybng

    saybng New Member

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  21. Nov 9, 2018 at 9:00 AM
    #201
    COMiamiFan

    COMiamiFan Wanna pet my Woobie?

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    BUMP

    The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona physics mid-term, and an actual answer turned in by a student.

    The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :

    Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

    Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

    One student, however, wrote the following:

    First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely.. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

    Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

    This gives two possibilities:

    1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
    2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, so then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

    So which is it?

    If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct..... ...leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'

    THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.
     
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  22. Nov 19, 2018 at 8:20 AM
    #202
    Prostar 190

    Prostar 190 White is sooooo Slow!!! MGM RULES!

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    A woman goes to a tattoo parlor and asked for a tattoo of a turkey on one thigh and a Christmas tree on the other.

    The guy at the tattoo parlor ask why you want a turkey on one and a Christmas tree on the other.

    The lady replies my husband always says there's nothing to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas.
     
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  23. Nov 19, 2018 at 8:34 AM
    #203
    Steve89gt

    Steve89gt New Member

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    Neutron walks into a bar. The neutron says “Barkeep! How much does a beer cost?”

    Barkeep replies “For you, no charge.”

    I’ll show myself out now...
     
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  24. Nov 19, 2018 at 10:58 AM
    #204
    15whtrd

    15whtrd Mr. Blonde

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    What does the sign on the out of business brothel say?









    Beat it. We’re closed.
     
    Last edited: Nov 19, 2018
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  25. Nov 19, 2018 at 12:18 PM
    #205
    Jim LE 1301

    Jim LE 1301 Camaro Lover

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    To those of you who are nit-pickers about the meaning of words, there is a medical distinction between GUTS and BALLS. We've all heard about people having Guts or Balls, but do you really know the difference between them?


    In order to keep you informed, here are the definitions:


    … GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the boys, being met by your wife at the door with a broom and having the Gutsto ask, "Are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"


    … BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the boys, smelling of perfume and beer, with lipstick on your collar and slapping your wife on the bottom and having theBalls to say, "You're next, chubby."


    Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome.

    Both result in pain.
     
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  26. Nov 30, 2018 at 8:02 AM
    #206
    JoshuaA

    JoshuaA Nevermind mods, wife’s just rolling eyes

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    There's a guy going around dipping his testicles in glitter...

    It's pretty nuts
     
  27. Jan 4, 2019 at 1:32 PM
    #207
    War Machine

    War Machine Premium Elite Member | Detailing Pro

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    The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured
    by an enemy Indian War Party.
    The Indian Chief proclaims,
    "So, YOU are the great Lone Ranger" .
    "In honor of the Harvest Festival,

    YOU will be executed in three days."
    "Before I kill you, I grant you three requests"
    "What is your FIRST request ???'
    The Lone Ranger responds,
    "I'd like to speak to my horse."
    The Chief nods and Silver is brought
    before the Lone Ranger who whispers in
    Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.
    Later that evening, Silver returns with
    a beautiful blonde woman on his back.
    As the Indian Chief watches,
    the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent
    and spends the night.

    The next morning the Indian Chief admits
    he's impressed..
    "You have a very fine and loyal horse",
    "But I will still kill you in two days."
    "What is your SECOND request ???"
    The Lone Ranger again asks to speak
    to his horse.
    Silver is brought to him,
    and he again whispers in the horse's ear.
    As before, Silver takes off and disappears over the horizon.
    Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise,
    Silver again returns, this time with a
    voluptuous brunette, more attractive
    than the blonde.

    She enters the Lone Rangers tent
    and spends the night.
    The following morning the Indian Chief
    is again impressed.
    "You are indeed a man of many talents,"
    "But I will still kill you tomorrow."
    "What is your LAST request ???"

    The Lone Ranger responds,
    "I'd like to speak to my horse, .... alone."
    The Chief is curious, but he agrees,
    and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.
    Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears,

    Looks him square in the eye and says,

    Listen Very Carefully !!!!

    FOR... THE... LAST... TIME...
    I SAID ...
    "BRING POSSE"
     
  28. Jan 16, 2019 at 2:20 PM
    #208
    YardBird

    YardBird New Member

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    [​IMG]

    McCready the Boat Builder


    An Irishman enters a pub and sits down to have a beer, the bartender seeing the man is melancholy asks the man "and whats wrong that has ruined this fine day for you lad?"
    The Irishman (gesturing towards the window) replies," you see those fences out there? I built those fences with me bare hands, but do they call me McCready the fence builder? No...they don't."

    The bartender says" Wow, that's really tough, sorry for you laddy."

    Gesturing again to the window, McCready says, "And do you see those boats down in the harbor? I built those boats with me bare hands, but do they call me McCready the boat Builder? No...they don't."

    Again the bartender says, "Sorry McCready, that really sucks."

    Cutting the bartender off and gesturing toward the window one last time, McCready says "And do you see all those houses out there? I built them houses with me bare hands, but do they call me McCready the Contractor? No,they don't.......BUT YOU SCREW ONE GOAT . . . !"
     
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  29. May 13, 2019 at 12:18 AM
    #209
    YardBird

    YardBird New Member

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    American Thunder Cat Back ~ Retrax Pro ~ Toyota Bed Mat ~ OEM Split Spoke Wheels

    [​IMG]
    A woman from San Francisco who was a tree hugging, liberal and an anti-hunter purchased a piece of timberland near Colville, WA . There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree.
    As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch. In considerable pain, she hurried to a local ER to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist and an anti- hunter and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She sat and waited three hours before the doctor re-appeared.
    The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?"
    He smiled and then told her, “Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old- growth timber from a ‘recreational area' so close to a Waste Treatment Facility, And I'm sorry, but due to The Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act they turned you down.
     
    Last edited: May 13, 2019
  30. May 13, 2019 at 1:04 AM
    #210
    OR18TRD

    OR18TRD Pândâ Crëw

    Joined:
    Oct 30, 2018
    Member:
    #21119
    Messages:
    5,504
    Gender:
    Male
    First Name:
    Pândâ
    PDX
    Vehicle:
    2018 Panda Crewmax
    Suspension: front- Bilsein 6112 set at 1.9”; Rear- bilstein 5160 with maxtrac 1” shackel. Wheels: Method MR308 roost wheels 18x9” +18 offset. Tires: 275/70/18 Goodyear wrangler DuraTrac’s Removed front mudflaps and moved front wheel well liner forward. Bakflip MX4 Tonneau cover Line-x premium bed liner aFe CAI Rear differential breather moved behind taillight Debadged Windows tinted 20% ESP locking long box rear seat storage OEM all weather mats 6 3/4” antenna Coverking leather rear seat cover
    Took these hiking in the old growth redwoods heading up to strawberry rock. Littering? :notsure:FDABD778-DEC0-49F9-85EA-2BB8AEDD2ABA.jpg 72CFE92F-5B84-4B05-9E87-9A5231F0DDF1.jpg
     
    jewsNbrews, YardBird and Trooper2 like this.

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