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Joke Thread

Discussion in 'Off-Topic Discussion' started by nk1794, Apr 3, 2018.

  1. May 3, 2018 at 4:29 PM
    #181
    koditten

    koditten New Member

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    I laughed like a fool on that pic, but there is no way in hell I'm giving up a "like".

    You fuckers would label the shit out of me.
     
    ColoradoTJ, COMiamiFan and poheller like this.
  2. May 21, 2018 at 12:25 PM
    #182
    Randy Morton

    Randy Morton Life takes its toll, please have exact change.

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    A story about true compassion ..


    THE UMBRELLA - A TOUCHING STORY
    On a rainy afternoon, a group of protesters were gathered outside the grocery store handing out pamphlets on the evils of America.
    I politely declined to take one.
    There was an elderly woman behind me and a young (20-ish) female protester offered her a pamphlet, which she politely declined.
    The young protester gently put her hand on the old woman's shoulder and in a patronizing voice said, "Don't you care about the children of Iraq?"
    The old woman looked up at her and said: "Honey, my father died in France during World War II, I lost my husband in Korea and a son in Vietnam. All three died so a naive, ignorant, self-centered bimbo like you could have the right to stand here and badmouth our country, and if you touch me again, I'll shove this umbrella up your ass and open it."
    GOD BLESS AMERICA!
     
  3. Jun 28, 2018 at 2:27 PM
    #183
    rons23

    rons23 Get The Led Out!!!

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    Little Johnnie, gotta lov'em

    received_222887425189018.jpg
     
    Last edited: Jun 28, 2018
  4. Jun 28, 2018 at 9:15 PM
    #184
    JoshuaA

    JoshuaA Behind every great mod is a wife rolling her eyes

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  5. Jul 12, 2018 at 9:25 PM
    #185
    koditten

    koditten New Member

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    What's worse than being a sexist pig?
     
    SR5 AZUL likes this.
  6. Jul 12, 2018 at 9:28 PM
    #186
    COMiamiFan

    COMiamiFan Wanna pet my Woobie?

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    What?
     
  7. Jul 12, 2018 at 9:34 PM
    #187
    koditten

    koditten New Member

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    A woman who won't do what she is told!

    :anonymous::crapstorm:
     
    nk1794 [OP] and Trooper2 like this.
  8. Jul 13, 2018 at 6:40 AM
    #188
    Trooper2

    Trooper2 Premium Texas Member

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    Reminds me of something I heard about recently.

    There was a baby boy born recently without eyelids :eek:

    The Doctors came up with a ground breaking & pioneering solution; to take some Foreskin form his circumcised wee-wee and construct some eyelids.

    Before the procedure the Doctors told the parents there would be one tiny drawback:














    Wait for it:













    He will have eyelids but he will be a little "Cock-eyed"............. :dancingbacon:
     
    Ostrich, JoshuaA, nk1794 [OP] and 3 others like this.
  9. Jul 13, 2018 at 8:14 AM
    #189
    Eclipsed & Floating

    Eclipsed & Floating Over it.........

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    When I saw “joke thread” I thought it was gonna show a picture of @GNTundra
    :D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D
     
  10. Jul 13, 2018 at 2:51 PM
    #190
    Eclipsed & Floating

    Eclipsed & Floating Over it.........

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    I’m right where I need to be
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    Wassup, old school!
     
    GNTundra likes this.
  11. Aug 1, 2018 at 3:44 PM
    #191
    landphil

    landphil I know nothing, and I’m still confused.

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    What did the kid say after playing with the table saw?

    Look ma, no hands
     
  12. Aug 1, 2018 at 4:06 PM
    #192
    nk1794

    nk1794 [OP] Always torque to spec

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  13. Aug 1, 2018 at 4:34 PM
    #193
    duece292

    duece292 Pennsylvania Hillbilly Deluxe

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    What?
     
  14. Aug 1, 2018 at 4:35 PM
    #194
    landphil

    landphil I know nothing, and I’m still confused.

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    Click the spoiler button.
     
    jewsNbrews likes this.
  15. Aug 1, 2018 at 4:35 PM
    #195
    duece292

    duece292 Pennsylvania Hillbilly Deluxe

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    LOL... never mind. I wasn't smart enough to check the spoiler.
     
    jewsNbrews, COMiamiFan and landphil like this.
  16. Aug 1, 2018 at 4:40 PM
    #196
    landphil

    landphil I know nothing, and I’m still confused.

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    What do you get when you drop a grand piano down a mine shaft?

    ”A flat minor.”
     
    Ostrich, jewsNbrews, duece292 and 3 others like this.
  17. Aug 1, 2018 at 10:18 PM
    #197
    landphil

    landphil I know nothing, and I’m still confused.

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    A few days before Christmas, a man enters a pet store looking for a unique gift for his wife. The store manager tells him he has just what he's looking for! A beautiful parrot named Chet that sings Christmas carols.
    He brings the husband over to a colorful but quiet bird. The man agrees that Chet certainly is pretty, but he doesn't seem to be much for singing. The manager tells him to watch as he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a lighter. The manager then clicks the lighter and holds it under Chet's left foot. Immediately Chet starts singing; "Silent Night, Holy Night."

    The husband is very impressed with Chet's singing abilities and watches as the manager moves the lighter underneath Chet's right foot. Chet now starts to sing "Jingle Bells, Jingle All the Way." The husband says Chet is perfect and that he'll take him.

    The husband rushes home to his wife and insists upon giving her this wonderful gift immediately. He presents Chet and starts to explain the parrot's special talent.

    Demonstrating, he holds a lighter under Chet's left foot and the bird sings "Silent Night." He then moves the lighter under the right foot and Chet lets loose a round of "Jingle Bells." The wife is absolutely impressed, and with a mischievous grin asks her husband what happens if he holds the lighter between Chet's legs instead. Curious the husband moves the lighter between the bird's legs, and the bird begins to sing - Chet's nuts Roasting on an Open Fire!
     
    Ostrich, jewsNbrews, duece292 and 3 others like this.
  18. Aug 1, 2018 at 10:32 PM
    #198
    tinman10101

    tinman10101 Yogi Bear shops at the Mission Plaza

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    Love this one:

    "What do gay cows eat?"




    HEYYYYYY



    BTW told that to a couple of gay people and even they think that shits funny!!! :rofl:
     
    Last edited: Aug 1, 2018
    Ostrich, jewsNbrews, duece292 and 3 others like this.
  19. Aug 1, 2018 at 11:54 PM
    #199
    BestGen

    BestGen Rusty Sliderz

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    What's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom?

    A pickpocket snatches your watch and a peeping tom watches your snatch! :p
     
    Last edited: Aug 2, 2018
  20. Aug 1, 2018 at 11:55 PM
    #200
    BestGen

    BestGen Rusty Sliderz

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    Here's an oldie but a goody...
    What did Michael Jackson and Walmart have in common?

    They both have little boys pants half off! :eek2:
     
    Last edited: Aug 2, 2018
    Ostrich, jewsNbrews, duece292 and 3 others like this.
  21. Aug 1, 2018 at 11:57 PM
    #201
    BestGen

    BestGen Rusty Sliderz

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    What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?

    One is white, plastic, and a danger to little kids and the other carries your groceries! o_O
     
    Last edited: Aug 2, 2018
  22. Aug 2, 2018 at 7:24 AM
    #202
    BestGen

    BestGen Rusty Sliderz

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    I love Helen Keller jokes! I got a few.

    Why is Helen Keller's leg always wet?

    Her dog is blind too!
     
  23. Aug 2, 2018 at 11:33 AM
    #203
    duece292

    duece292 Pennsylvania Hillbilly Deluxe

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    How did Helen Keller burn her ear?


    She answered the iron.
     
    Trooper2, BestGen and jewsNbrews like this.
  24. Aug 2, 2018 at 11:34 AM
    #204
    duece292

    duece292 Pennsylvania Hillbilly Deluxe

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    How did Helen Keller burn her other ear?


    They called back.
     
  25. Aug 2, 2018 at 11:52 AM
    #205
    jewsNbrews

    jewsNbrews MGM's for the win!!

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    Why couldn't Helen Keller drive?















    Because she was a woman.

    :rofl::anonymous::crapstorm:
     
  26. Aug 2, 2018 at 1:02 PM
    #206
    BestGen

    BestGen Rusty Sliderz

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    What's Helen Keller favorite color?

    Corduroy :cool:
     
    Trooper2 and jewsNbrews like this.
  27. Aug 2, 2018 at 1:17 PM
    #207
    landphil

    landphil I know nothing, and I’m still confused.

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    What do you call a deer with no eyes?

    Read answer with an aussie accent.
    No eye deer. :notsure:
     
  28. Aug 2, 2018 at 1:18 PM
    #208
    hokiehead

    hokiehead New Member

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    This is about the girl from West Virginia who was a virgin on her wedding night. She had heard plenty about sex and about many of the things that her friends had been asked to do by their partners. Concerned about the post-nuptial activities, the blushing bride confides to her mother these concerns about what is going to happen.

    "Don't worry," said the mother. "If he asks you to turn over and take it the other way, you don't have to do that if you don't want to. Just tell him".

    So, the couple get married and the wedding night goes by without the husband asking for anything she wasn't ready for. Then, after a year of marital bliss, the evening comes when her husband raises the subject: "honey, how about tonight we try something different and you turn over so we can try it the other way?"

    "No, no, no! My mother told me that I didn't have to do that!" the wife responds.

    "but, honey, don't you ever want to get pregnant?"
     
  29. Aug 2, 2018 at 1:30 PM
    #209
    landphil

    landphil I know nothing, and I’m still confused.

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    A young Italian girl marries her sweetheart while a virgin, who is a war veteran.

    After the big family wedding, the newlyweds go upstairs in her parents home to consumate the marriage. The young bride is understandably nervous, and panics when her new husband removes his shirt.

    She runs down stairs, rushes to her mother and says “Momma, Momma, he’s got hair on his chest!”

    Her mother assures her that this is normal and good, calms her down, and sends her back upstairs.

    She arrives upstairs just in time to see her husband removing his shoes and socks, revealing his war injury in which he’d lost part of his left foot.

    The nervous bride freaks! She ran downstairs once again, this time yelling “Momma, Momma, he’s got a foot and a half!”

    Momma gets excited this time, and yells “Stir this soup, I gotta go see this for myself.”
     
  30. Aug 2, 2018 at 1:36 PM
    #210
    BestGen

    BestGen Rusty Sliderz

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    A little girl comes home from school one day and tells her mother that the boys at school each gave her a nickel to climb the flagpole. Her mom told her that the boys just wanted to see her underwear so don't fall for it again. The next day when she came home her mother asked her if the boys offered her nickels again to climb the flagpole. She replied that they did. Her mother replied, oh no, you didn't do it did you? To which she replied she had but not to worry because the joke was on them. This time I took off my underwear! :D
     

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