1. Welcome to Tundras.com!

    You are currently viewing as a guest! To get full-access, you need to register for a FREE account.

    As a registered member, you’ll be able to:
    • Participate in all Tundra discussion topics
    • Transfer over your build thread from a different forum to this one
    • Communicate privately with other Tundra owners from around the world
    • Post your own photos in our Members Gallery
    • Access all special features of the site

Joke Thread

Discussion in 'Off-Topic Discussion' started by nk1794, Apr 3, 2018.

  1. Apr 4, 2018 at 2:19 PM
    #151
    ColoradoTJ

    ColoradoTJ Professional cat hearding expert. Staff Member

    Joined:
    Feb 24, 2016
    Member:
    #2766
    Messages:
    16,127
    Gender:
    Male
    First Name:
    Chris
    Colorado
    Vehicle:
    White 3500HD
    Fuzzy Mirror Dice
    Last week I asked @Almaboy if he wanted to take a break from Colorado and join me up in Montana for some Big Sky fresh air. I figured this might be the last time for a trip since he is moving to the Carolina’s soon. We took his kick ass Tundra, and since it’s white, and made record time. We were tasked with riding fence line on some mountain property my family owns in Montana. We rode up on a sheep caught up in the fence and it was helpless. I looked over at Mark, he looked a little confused on what to do and I said “I got this, let me show you how it’s done in MT” and went down, pulled out the Velcro gloves, dropped my pants and had my way with it.
    I looked over my shoulder as Mark was watching in amazement. I said “You want some of this or what?”
    Mark shook his shoulders and said “why not” and came down and stuck his head in the fence.
     
    Trooper2, joonbug, gosolo and 7 others like this.
  2. Apr 4, 2018 at 2:20 PM
    #152
    COMiamiFan

    COMiamiFan BAM!

    Joined:
    Nov 26, 2015
    Member:
    #2160
    Messages:
    18,929
    Gender:
    Male
    First Name:
    Jose
    Parker, CO
    Vehicle:
    2016 White Crew Max TRD
    TRD Pro Grille, ESP Storage, Tailgate Inserts, Line-X Bedliner, Weathertech Floorliners, Wet Okole Seat Covers, 5" Shorty Antenna, Mickey Thompson MM-366 Wheels, ToyTec Boss, 35" BFG KO2 to name a few.
    [​IMG]
     
  3. Apr 4, 2018 at 2:21 PM
    #153
    Eclipsed & Floating

    Eclipsed & Floating Over it.........

    Joined:
    Feb 20, 2017
    Member:
    #6454
    Messages:
    12,705
    Gender:
    Male
    I’m right where I need to be
    Vehicle:
    Voluptuous Whitey
    Those were velcro gloves you were grooming my back hair with?? Shit felt goooooood!
     
  4. Apr 4, 2018 at 2:21 PM
    #154
    ColoradoTJ

    ColoradoTJ Professional cat hearding expert. Staff Member

    Joined:
    Feb 24, 2016
    Member:
    #2766
    Messages:
    16,127
    Gender:
    Male
    First Name:
    Chris
    Colorado
    Vehicle:
    White 3500HD
    Fuzzy Mirror Dice
    Ah Mark is such a good sport. I hope his travels out east don’t draw him away from here.
     
  5. Apr 4, 2018 at 2:24 PM
    #155
    Eclipsed & Floating

    Eclipsed & Floating Over it.........

    Joined:
    Feb 20, 2017
    Member:
    #6454
    Messages:
    12,705
    Gender:
    Male
    I’m right where I need to be
    Vehicle:
    Voluptuous Whitey
    No chance! I’m gonna plague YOU for a long time :D
     
  6. Apr 4, 2018 at 2:27 PM
    #156
    ColoradoTJ

    ColoradoTJ Professional cat hearding expert. Staff Member

    Joined:
    Feb 24, 2016
    Member:
    #2766
    Messages:
    16,127
    Gender:
    Male
    First Name:
    Chris
    Colorado
    Vehicle:
    White 3500HD
    Fuzzy Mirror Dice
    I knew I should have worn a rubber...guess I ran out due to all the kids snorting them.
     
  7. Apr 4, 2018 at 4:38 PM
    #157
    Randy Morton

    Randy Morton Life takes its toll, please have exact change.

    Joined:
    May 15, 2016
    Member:
    #3378
    Messages:
    680
    Gender:
    Male
    First Name:
    Randy
    Deepinahearta, Texas
    Vehicle:
    2012 Tundra Double Cab (I call it my Land Yacht)
    The luckiest man in the world.

    A man awoke one morning with a world class hangover. As he opened his eyes, he slowly focused on a glass of water, two aspirin, and a note on the bedside table. He slowly sat up, washed down the aspirin, and read the note. It was from his wife. "I hope your head doesn't hurt too bad, I put out a clean towel for your shower and laid out your favorite clothes." Sure enough, his favorite comfortable clothes were laid out on the bed. He went in to take a shower and found another note. "When you finish your shower, breakfast is in the oven staying warm. I've gone to the store to pick up a steak for your dinner tonight." The aspirin had him wondering, but the steaks had piqued his curiosity to its maximum. His wife was always upset when he went out drinking, and usually didn't speak to him all day after he came home drunk. He'd had so much to drink last night that he didn't even remember how he made it home. After his shower, he went downstairs for breakfast. On the way down, he looked down and saw a small chair that his wife had purchased and saw it had been smashed. There was also a wet spot on the carpeting on the stairs. When he went into the kitchen, sure enough, his favorite breakfast was waiting for him. As he sat down to eat, his son, who was finishing his breakfast and had a strange smile on his face, said "You don't remember anything from last night do you?" He said he didn't. His son laughed and told the tale. "Your friends brought you home and you were so drunk last night you couldn't stand up. You staggered in and fell on that chair that Mom loved so much. You smashed it into small pieces. Mom heard you and came down to help you upstairs. Halfway up you threw up on the stairs, and all over Mom. She managed to get you up to the bed, then changed and cleaned the stairs. When that was done, she went back upstairs and tried to get you undressed. When she tried to take off your pants you yelled out 'Leave me alone lady, I'm married'."

    And that, my friends, was when he became the luckiest man in the world.
     
    MrAJ, myt1, landphil and 12 others like this.
  8. Apr 4, 2018 at 4:54 PM
    #158
    Prostar 190

    Prostar 190 White is sooooo Slow!!! MGM RULES!

    Joined:
    Sep 26, 2017
    Member:
    #9912
    Messages:
    19,706
    Gender:
    Male
    First Name:
    Bryan
    OH
    Vehicle:
    2010 CrewMax limited 4X4
    6" lift 35" Toyo M/T
    I always tell my wife the word of the day is legs......... Do you want to go home and spread the word.
     
    landphil, JC303, ColoradoTJ and 4 others like this.
  9. Apr 4, 2018 at 8:02 PM
    #159
    duece292

    duece292 Pennsylvania Hillbilly Deluxe

    Joined:
    Mar 13, 2017
    Member:
    #6776
    Messages:
    1,571
    Gender:
    Male
    First Name:
    Greg
    Green Bay, WI
    Vehicle:
    2013 Tundra SR5 CM TRD 5.7 4X4
    A man gets a call from the police telling him that his house was robbed.
    The police also informed him that the perpetrators also consumed all of his beer and raped his wife.
    Several silent moments pass when the man finally says... "I can't believe they screwed my wife after only 5 beers."
     
    landphil, jewsNbrews, JC303 and 7 others like this.
  10. Apr 4, 2018 at 11:19 PM
    #160
    ColoradoTJ

    ColoradoTJ Professional cat hearding expert. Staff Member

    Joined:
    Feb 24, 2016
    Member:
    #2766
    Messages:
    16,127
    Gender:
    Male
    First Name:
    Chris
    Colorado
    Vehicle:
    White 3500HD
    Fuzzy Mirror Dice
    I may actually use this one....winning!!
     
    Trooper2 and Randy Morton like this.
  11. Apr 5, 2018 at 5:00 AM
    #161
    T500

    T500 # The Dark Side

    Joined:
    Feb 22, 2017
    Member:
    #6478
    Messages:
    5,236
    Gender:
    Male
    First Name:
    Alfie
    Neptune, NJ
    Vehicle:
    2017 Black CM SR5 TRD
    I've torn out my alarm system & de-registered from the Neighborhood Watch.

    I've got two Pakistani flags raised in my front garden, one at each corner and the black flag of ISIS in the center.

    The local police, FBI, CIA and other intelligence services are all now watching my house 24/7.

    I've never felt safer.
     
    jewsNbrews, csuviper, JC303 and 2 others like this.
  12. Apr 5, 2018 at 5:10 AM
    #162
    Trooper2

    Trooper2 Membrane

    Joined:
    Feb 7, 2018
    Member:
    #12738
    Messages:
    2,610
    Gender:
    Male
    Houston, TX
    Vehicle:
    2007 Tundra 5.7 L Double Cab TRD 4x2
    TSS 20 Wheels Pioneer 8100NEX N-Fabs Int LED's
    Way ahead of you........... :)
     
    ColoradoTJ likes this.
  13. Apr 5, 2018 at 5:58 AM
    #163
    War Machine

    War Machine Premium Elite Member

    Joined:
    Aug 7, 2017
    Member:
    #8939
    Messages:
    5,852
    Gender:
    Male
    First Name:
    Jason
    Houston, Texas
    Vehicle:
    2017 Black Crewmax SR5 Blaaaack
    A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
    "What's the matter, dear?", she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?".
    The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 25 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.
    "Yes I do" she replies.
    The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"
    "Yes, I remember" says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continues. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 25 years?"
    "I remember that too" she replies softly.
    He wipes another tear from his cheek and says, "I would have gotten out today".
     
  14. Apr 5, 2018 at 5:59 AM
    #164
    War Machine

    War Machine Premium Elite Member

    Joined:
    Aug 7, 2017
    Member:
    #8939
    Messages:
    5,852
    Gender:
    Male
    First Name:
    Jason
    Houston, Texas
    Vehicle:
    2017 Black Crewmax SR5 Blaaaack
    An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.

    The two elderly gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant, and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."

    The other man said, "What's the name of the restaurant?"

    The first man knits his brow in obvious concentration, and finally said to his companion, "Aahh, What is the name of that red flower you give to someone you love?

    His friends replies, "A Carnation??"

    "No. No. The other one" the man says.

    His friend offers another suggestion, "The Poppy?"

    "Nahhhh, growls the man. You know the one that is red and has thorns."

    His friend said, "Do you mean a rose?"

    "Yes, Yes that's it. Thank you!" the first man says.

    He then turns toward the kitchen and yells, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"
     
    Tor, jewsNbrews, ColoradoTJ and 5 others like this.
  15. Apr 5, 2018 at 7:21 AM
    #165
    15whtrd

    15whtrd Mr. Blonde

    Joined:
    Sep 20, 2015
    Member:
    #1829
    Messages:
    6,084
    Gender:
    Male
    First Name:
    Sean
    SoCal
    Vehicle:
    White 2015 Tundra DC SR5 TRD 4x4 5.7L
    TRD Pro suspension, 2015 TRD Pro headlights, 20% ceramic tinted windows, charcoal filter delete, aFe drop in pro s dry air filter, TRD airflow accelerator, TRD oil fill cap, TRD 18 psi radiator cap, BDX Bullydog tuner, Weathertech floor mats front and rear, rear seat fold down mod, Tyger soft tonneau cover, Linex with uv protection, TRD swaybar, TRD center caps, TRD Pro grille insert, aluminum oil filter canister, Real truck tailgate seal, Pop-n-lock tailgate lock actuator, rear diff breather relocate.
    That’s called a dickiedo. Your gut sticks out further than your dickiedo
     
  16. Apr 5, 2018 at 7:41 AM
    #166
    15whtrd

    15whtrd Mr. Blonde

    Joined:
    Sep 20, 2015
    Member:
    #1829
    Messages:
    6,084
    Gender:
    Male
    First Name:
    Sean
    SoCal
    Vehicle:
    White 2015 Tundra DC SR5 TRD 4x4 5.7L
    TRD Pro suspension, 2015 TRD Pro headlights, 20% ceramic tinted windows, charcoal filter delete, aFe drop in pro s dry air filter, TRD airflow accelerator, TRD oil fill cap, TRD 18 psi radiator cap, BDX Bullydog tuner, Weathertech floor mats front and rear, rear seat fold down mod, Tyger soft tonneau cover, Linex with uv protection, TRD swaybar, TRD center caps, TRD Pro grille insert, aluminum oil filter canister, Real truck tailgate seal, Pop-n-lock tailgate lock actuator, rear diff breather relocate.
    Here is a stupid one my dad told me when I was a kid. At the time I thought it was hilarious.

    Where is an elephants dick?
     
  17. Apr 5, 2018 at 7:45 AM
    #167
    15whtrd

    15whtrd Mr. Blonde

    Joined:
    Sep 20, 2015
    Member:
    #1829
    Messages:
    6,084
    Gender:
    Male
    First Name:
    Sean
    SoCal
    Vehicle:
    White 2015 Tundra DC SR5 TRD 4x4 5.7L
    TRD Pro suspension, 2015 TRD Pro headlights, 20% ceramic tinted windows, charcoal filter delete, aFe drop in pro s dry air filter, TRD airflow accelerator, TRD oil fill cap, TRD 18 psi radiator cap, BDX Bullydog tuner, Weathertech floor mats front and rear, rear seat fold down mod, Tyger soft tonneau cover, Linex with uv protection, TRD swaybar, TRD center caps, TRD Pro grille insert, aluminum oil filter canister, Real truck tailgate seal, Pop-n-lock tailgate lock actuator, rear diff breather relocate.
    On his feet... because if he steps on you...you’re fucked!
     
  18. Apr 5, 2018 at 8:15 AM
    #168
    War Machine

    War Machine Premium Elite Member

    Joined:
    Aug 7, 2017
    Member:
    #8939
    Messages:
    5,852
    Gender:
    Male
    First Name:
    Jason
    Houston, Texas
    Vehicle:
    2017 Black Crewmax SR5 Blaaaack
    How do you know your wife is having a bad day?

    She has a tampon behind her ear, and can’t find her cigarette.
     
  19. Apr 6, 2018 at 12:43 PM
    #169
    War Machine

    War Machine Premium Elite Member

    Joined:
    Aug 7, 2017
    Member:
    #8939
    Messages:
    5,852
    Gender:
    Male
    First Name:
    Jason
    Houston, Texas
    Vehicle:
    2017 Black Crewmax SR5 Blaaaack
    A man calls the doctor, and asks if they got the tests results back on his wife.

    Doctor says “Yes we did. She either has AIDS or Alzheimer’s.”
    The man asks “How can we know for sure?”
    Doctor says “Take her out for a drive. Drop her off a few miles away. If she finds her way home, don’t fuck her.”
     
  20. Apr 7, 2018 at 12:04 PM
    #170
    nk1794

    nk1794 [OP] Always torque to spec

    Joined:
    Jan 24, 2018
    Member:
    #12420
    Messages:
    3,780
    Gender:
    Male
    San Jose, CA
    Vehicle:
    2016 1794
    SnugTop, TRD Catback, DECKed Storage, TRD Sway Bar, ESP Under Seat Storage, Blackvue DR750S-2CH Dashcam
    upload_2018-4-7_12-4-52.jpg
     
    COMiamiFan likes this.
  21. Apr 7, 2018 at 5:43 PM
    #171
    gosolo

    gosolo “The .com stands for communist”, Dale Gribble

    Joined:
    Nov 5, 2015
    Member:
    #2064
    Messages:
    3,333
    Gender:
    Male
    First Name:
    Ray
    NW Oregon
    Vehicle:
    2015 DC Super Fine Super White Pro
    2"CB shackles, bushings and 1 shim, lockerdown console vault, rear folding seat back mod, snugtop shell with opening side windows, 46g fuel tank, SDHQ sliders and hidden winch, Decked Drawers, Icon leaf spring packs and got rid of the interior chrome
    This really rolls back the clock and reminds me of the time back when men were men and women were the knotholes in the slippery elm tree.
     
    ColoradoTJ and COMiamiFan like this.
  22. Apr 8, 2018 at 3:02 PM
    #172
    Grumpy Uncle

    Grumpy Uncle Pushing string down the hall

    Joined:
    Jul 29, 2017
    Member:
    #8801
    Messages:
    6,844
    Gender:
    Male
    First Name:
    Pat
    CO
    Vehicle:
    2016 Black CM Tundra TRD Off Road
    Snugtop XTR, 4:88s and Auburn LSD, dealership faux Pro, 35" BFGs on XD wheels
    I found this going through some of my Army stuff my Mommom (grandma) sent this to me back in 95. I was in El Salvador. Here is a picture of my truck Josephine as well.20180408_155152.jpg 20180408_155324.jpg
     
  23. Apr 8, 2018 at 3:07 PM
    #173
    COMiamiFan

    COMiamiFan BAM!

    Joined:
    Nov 26, 2015
    Member:
    #2160
    Messages:
    18,929
    Gender:
    Male
    First Name:
    Jose
    Parker, CO
    Vehicle:
    2016 White Crew Max TRD
    TRD Pro Grille, ESP Storage, Tailgate Inserts, Line-X Bedliner, Weathertech Floorliners, Wet Okole Seat Covers, 5" Shorty Antenna, Mickey Thompson MM-366 Wheels, ToyTec Boss, 35" BFG KO2 to name a few.
    Funny as shit joke!
     
    Grumpy Uncle likes this.
  24. Apr 8, 2018 at 3:10 PM
    #174
    Grumpy Uncle

    Grumpy Uncle Pushing string down the hall

    Joined:
    Jul 29, 2017
    Member:
    #8801
    Messages:
    6,844
    Gender:
    Male
    First Name:
    Pat
    CO
    Vehicle:
    2016 Black CM Tundra TRD Off Road
    Snugtop XTR, 4:88s and Auburn LSD, dealership faux Pro, 35" BFGs on XD wheels
    Like I said she was a hoot.
     
    jewsNbrews and COMiamiFan like this.
  25. Apr 8, 2018 at 3:17 PM
    #175
    gosolo

    gosolo “The .com stands for communist”, Dale Gribble

    Joined:
    Nov 5, 2015
    Member:
    #2064
    Messages:
    3,333
    Gender:
    Male
    First Name:
    Ray
    NW Oregon
    Vehicle:
    2015 DC Super Fine Super White Pro
    2"CB shackles, bushings and 1 shim, lockerdown console vault, rear folding seat back mod, snugtop shell with opening side windows, 46g fuel tank, SDHQ sliders and hidden winch, Decked Drawers, Icon leaf spring packs and got rid of the interior chrome
    Early one Saturday morning Dad and little Joey were walking in the park and happened upon a female dog in heat being mated by another dog. “What’re they doing, Daddy?”, says Joey. After a moments reflection, Dad says, “Making puppies”
    It so happened that the next morning Joey looked into his parents bedroom where the door was slightly ajar and saw mom and dad engaged vigorously together. Joey goes, “daddy, watcha doing?” After a brief pause, “making babies”, says dad.
    To which Joey replied, “would you roll her over? I want a puppy.”
     
    Ely010606 and nk1794 [OP] like this.
  26. Apr 9, 2018 at 10:27 AM
    #176
    nk1794

    nk1794 [OP] Always torque to spec

    Joined:
    Jan 24, 2018
    Member:
    #12420
    Messages:
    3,780
    Gender:
    Male
    San Jose, CA
    Vehicle:
    2016 1794
    SnugTop, TRD Catback, DECKed Storage, TRD Sway Bar, ESP Under Seat Storage, Blackvue DR750S-2CH Dashcam
  27. Apr 10, 2018 at 8:47 PM
    #177
    Trooper2

    Trooper2 Membrane

    Joined:
    Feb 7, 2018
    Member:
    #12738
    Messages:
    2,610
    Gender:
    Male
    Houston, TX
    Vehicle:
    2007 Tundra 5.7 L Double Cab TRD 4x2
    TSS 20 Wheels Pioneer 8100NEX N-Fabs Int LED's
    When a male gets a sex change to be a female he has to get a "Penectomy", to remove his junk.

    When a female gets a sex change to be male and add a penis its called an ""Add-A Dick-To-Me""................:bananadance:
     
    Last edited: May 3, 2018
    COMiamiFan likes this.
  28. Apr 17, 2018 at 10:42 AM
    #178
    JC303

    JC303 Same same but different

    Joined:
    Aug 7, 2014
    Member:
    #545
    Messages:
    774
    Gender:
    Male
    First Name:
    Justin
    Vehicle:
    2012 Tundra 5.7
    BUMP
     
    Tor likes this.
  29. Apr 19, 2018 at 8:17 AM
    #179
    Randy Morton

    Randy Morton Life takes its toll, please have exact change.

    Joined:
    May 15, 2016
    Member:
    #3378
    Messages:
    680
    Gender:
    Male
    First Name:
    Randy
    Deepinahearta, Texas
    Vehicle:
    2012 Tundra Double Cab (I call it my Land Yacht)
    For those unfamiliar with Aggie Jokes: https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Aggie joke

    =================================
    Aggie Vasectomy

    After having their 11th child, an Aggie couple decided that enough was enough (they couldn't afford a larger double-wide). So, they went to their doctor and told him that they didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told the young man that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem, and that he could perform the procedure himself since he's an A&M graduate. The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

    The Aggie said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

    So, the couple drove to another doctor to get a second opinion. The second Physician was just about to tell them about the procedure for a Vasectomy when he noticed that they were A&M graduates.

    This doctor also told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, Light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his ear and count to 10.

    Figuring that both learned physicians couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count. "1, 2, 3, 4, 5 . . . . ", at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.
     
  30. Apr 19, 2018 at 7:18 PM
    #180
    Randy Morton

    Randy Morton Life takes its toll, please have exact change.

    Joined:
    May 15, 2016
    Member:
    #3378
    Messages:
    680
    Gender:
    Male
    First Name:
    Randy
    Deepinahearta, Texas
    Vehicle:
    2012 Tundra Double Cab (I call it my Land Yacht)
    Long ago a young boy asked his grandfather about the secret of long life. The old man answered that he put a teaspoon of gunpowder on his breakfast every morning. The young man took his grandfather's advice and lived to a ripe old age. When he passed, he left 7 children, 16 grandchildren, 12 great-grandchildren, 3 great-great-grandchildren, and a 6 foot hole in the crematorium.
     

Products Discussed in

To Top