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Joke Thread

Discussion in 'Off-Topic Discussion' started by nk1794, Apr 3, 2018.

  1. Sep 2, 2019 at 8:18 AM
    #331
    danno266

    danno266 n00b

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    HOW TO DRIVE IN ST LOUIS

    1. You must first learn to pronounce the correct highway names. The highway through the center of the metro is I-64/US 40. In Illinois they call it 64. In Missouri they still call it Hwy 40. Old-timers are still call it Highway "farty".

    2. The morning rush hour is from 5:00 am to 10:30am. The evening rush hour is from 2:00pm to 7:30 pm. Friday's rush hour starts on Thursday morning.

    3. The minimum acceptable speed on I-270 is 80 mph. On I-70 and I-55, your speed is expected to at least match the highway number. Anything less is considered 'Wussy'.

    4. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. St Louis has its own version of traffic rules. For example, cars with Joy 99.1 stickers go first at a four-way stop if they even stop at all. Cars/trucks with the loudest muffler go second. The trucks with the biggest tires go third.

    5. If you actually stop at a yellow light or stop sign, you will be rear ended, cussed out, and possibly shot. Unless there is a police car nearby. If you are north of Hwy 40 you may get shot anyway.

    6. Never honk at anyone. Ever. Seriously. It's another offense that can get you shot.

    7. Road construction is permanent and continuous. Detour barrels are moved around for your entertainment pleasure during the middle of the night to make the next day's driving a bit more exciting. Generally, city roads other than the main streets have more potholes and bumps (usually speed bumps) than most dirt roads in the countryside.

    8. Watch carefully for road hazards such as PolarPop girls on South Broadway, drunks, ladders, skunks, dogs, barrels, cones, furniture, cats, mattresses, shredded tires, squirrels, rabbits, and crows.

    9. Be aware that street names may change from block to block or type of street, ex: Morganford, Morgan Ford or Gravois Rd/Ave/Tucker or Lindbergh/Kirkwood Rd.

    10. If someone actually has their turn signal on, wave them to the shoulder immediately to let them know it has been “accidentally activated”.

    11. If you are in the left lane and only driving 75 in a 55-65 mph zone, k, e.g., you are considered a road hazard and will be “flipped off” accordingly. If you return the flip, you'll be shot.

    12. No one knows how to use a roundabout especially the Halls Ferry Circle that has been there since the horse and buggy times.

    13. Don't worry about the license plates on the cars. Half don't belong to the correct vehicle or are paper temporary tags that are way expired or fake.

    14. You will travel through a dozen different municipalities on even a short commute. The speed limit may change multiple times as you cross city limits. Don't worry if you didn't see the sign an officer will stop you and let you know. This is especially true in North County.

    15. A car entering an interstate with 4 or more lanes believes they have the right of way and will immediately beeline to the far left lane and then travel 50mph. The same car will also beeline across all lanes an exit or two later to leave the highway.

    MOST IMPORTANT: Lindbergh and Manchester go on forever you could be in any of likely 50 different municipalities if you find either. The two cross at one point but Lindbergh is known as N Kirkwood Rd at that junction (see number 9).
     
  2. Sep 2, 2019 at 8:36 AM
    #332
    YardBird

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  3. Sep 3, 2019 at 4:49 AM
    #333
    danno266

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  4. Sep 3, 2019 at 4:50 AM
    #334
    danno266

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  5. Sep 3, 2019 at 6:11 AM
    #335
    YardBird

    YardBird New Member

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  6. Sep 4, 2019 at 6:36 AM
    #336
    YardBird

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  7. Sep 4, 2019 at 1:48 PM
    #337
    YardBird

    YardBird New Member

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  8. Sep 5, 2019 at 7:17 AM
    #338
    YardBird

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  9. Sep 5, 2019 at 1:12 PM
    #339
    danno266

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  10. Sep 5, 2019 at 1:13 PM
    #340
    danno266

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  11. Sep 5, 2019 at 1:14 PM
    #341
    danno266

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  12. Sep 5, 2019 at 2:44 PM
    #342
    YardBird

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    Bumper.jpg
     
    Leo's first and Trooper2 like this.
  13. Sep 5, 2019 at 3:10 PM
    #343
    danno266

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  14. Sep 5, 2019 at 3:14 PM
    #344
    YardBird

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  15. Sep 6, 2019 at 6:30 AM
    #345
    YardBird

    YardBird New Member

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  16. Sep 6, 2019 at 1:25 PM
    #346
    danno266

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    The Professor started the class by telling them,
    "In Veterinary medicine it is necessary to have
    two important qualities as a doctor. The first is
    that you not be disgusted by anything involving
    an animal's body." For an example, the Professor
    pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger into the
    butt of the cow, withdrew it, and stuck his finger
    in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing,"
    he told his students.

    The students freaked out, hesitated for several
    minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a
    finger in the butt of the dead cow and, sucked
    on it......followed by assorted gagging, retching
    and spitting, etc.

    When everyone had finished wiping their faces,
    the Professor looked at them and said, "The
    second most important quality is observation. I
    stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my
    index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Life is
    tough but it's even tougher if you're stupid."
     
    1UPPER, TX-TRD1stGEN, Fotnot and 12 others like this.
  17. Sep 6, 2019 at 1:31 PM
    #347
    saybng

    saybng New Member

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    :rofl::rofl::rofl:
     
  18. Sep 6, 2019 at 1:48 PM
    #348
    YardBird

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    Yogi Plugger.gif


    Yogi Observe.jpg
     
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  19. Sep 7, 2019 at 5:41 AM
    #349
    YardBird

    YardBird New Member

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    door bell.jpg
     
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  20. Sep 7, 2019 at 8:21 AM
    #350
    MS22

    MS22 New Member

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    Little Johnny is always being teased by the other neighborhood boys for being stupid. Their favorite joke is to offer Johnny his choice between a nickel and a dime -- Little Johnny always takes the nickel.

    One day, after Johnny takes the nickel, a neighbor takes him aside and says, "Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. Don't you know that a dime is worth more than a nickel, even though the nickel's bigger?"

    Johnny grins and says, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd stop doing it, and so far I've made $20!"
     
    1UPPER, Ostrich, Ely010606 and 6 others like this.
  21. Sep 8, 2019 at 12:59 AM
    #351
    SoCalPaul

    SoCalPaul New Member

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  22. Sep 8, 2019 at 7:49 AM
    #352
    YardBird

    YardBird New Member

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    Plugger Truck.gif
     
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  23. Sep 8, 2019 at 7:36 PM
    #353
    danno266

    danno266 n00b

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  24. Sep 8, 2019 at 7:37 PM
    #354
    danno266

    danno266 n00b

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  25. Sep 8, 2019 at 7:37 PM
    #355
    danno266

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  26. Sep 8, 2019 at 7:37 PM
    #356
    danno266

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  27. Sep 8, 2019 at 7:47 PM
    #357
    YardBird

    YardBird New Member

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  28. Sep 8, 2019 at 11:42 PM
    #358
    SoCalPaul

    SoCalPaul New Member

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  29. Sep 9, 2019 at 3:51 AM
    #359
    Moon Puppy

    Moon Puppy New Member

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    Guess I'm one. Backing into a spot with a friend in the truck, I was using mirrors, he said "You got a camera for that", "Yeah but I gotta put my glasses on to see the screen.".
     
    jewsNbrews and YardBird like this.
  30. Sep 9, 2019 at 6:05 AM
    #360
    YardBird

    YardBird New Member

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