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Joke Thread

Discussion in 'Off-Topic Discussion' started by nk1794, Apr 3, 2018.

  1. Apr 3, 2018 at 10:46 AM
    #1
    nk1794

    nk1794 [OP] Always torque to spec

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    We all need some laughters so let's see what you got. Unfortunately I don't have one to start the thread with. :D
     
  2. Apr 3, 2018 at 10:52 AM
    #2
    Danimal86

    Danimal86 What's a Dickfir?

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    Look in the mirror
    :rofl:










    I couldn't resist.
     
    1UPPER, Ostrich, NCinCO and 11 others like this.
  3. Apr 3, 2018 at 10:53 AM
    #3
    nk1794

    nk1794 [OP] Always torque to spec

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    :rofl:
     
    ARamirez73 likes this.
  4. Apr 3, 2018 at 10:55 AM
    #4
    nk1794

    nk1794 [OP] Always torque to spec

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    That's more on the scary side than funny.
     
  5. Apr 3, 2018 at 11:07 AM
    #5
    duece292

    duece292 Pennsylvania Hillbilly Deluxe

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    A woman walks into a bar with a duck on her shoulder.
    The bartender says "what's with the pig?"
    The woman says "it's not a pig, it's a duck!"
    The bartender says "I was talking to the duck!"
     
  6. Apr 3, 2018 at 11:09 AM
    #6
    nk1794

    nk1794 [OP] Always torque to spec

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    :rofl:
     
    dcsleeper408 likes this.
  7. Apr 3, 2018 at 11:17 AM
    #7
    ARamirez73

    ARamirez73 RÖCKIN' N RÖLLIN' WITH MY TÜNDRA CRÜE

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    Rough Country 6" lift / 35x12.50R20 Cooper Discoverer ST Maxx/ 20x9 +20 Fuel wheels "Mavericks" (Came with) / S&B CAI/ 2-10" Rockford Fosgates R2/ Massive Audio Nano N2 amp (Came with)/ KatSkins seat covers (Came with)/ Weathertechs window vent visors and floor mats/ 1A-AUTO.com aftermarket tow mirrors/ Undercover tonneau bed cover/ Viper alarm 3305V/ Flowmaster Super 40 Dual in-out/ 40" led light bar/ TRD Pro grille/Rough Country 30" LED light bar/TRD rear sway bar/ Ranch Hand legend grille gaurd/ Nfab nurf bars/ 2019 PRO headlights
    Got me a real dirty one...........

































    A white tundra got stuck in the mud!
    OMG knee slapper!!!!
     
    Ostrich, jewsNbrews, 1UPPER and 14 others like this.
  8. Apr 3, 2018 at 11:26 AM
    #8
    gosolo

    gosolo “The .com stands for communist”, Dale Gribble

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    How many teenagers does it take to change a lightbulb?
     
  9. Apr 3, 2018 at 11:27 AM
    #9
    nk1794

    nk1794 [OP] Always torque to spec

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    How many?
     
  10. Apr 3, 2018 at 11:28 AM
    #10
    gosolo

    gosolo “The .com stands for communist”, Dale Gribble

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    Just 1,
    They hold the bulb and the whole world revolves around them
     
    TundraDude18, Ostrich, Munk and 13 others like this.
  11. Apr 3, 2018 at 11:29 AM
    #11
    duece292

    duece292 Pennsylvania Hillbilly Deluxe

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    A bus load of cheerleaders is returning home when the bus careens off a cliff and all on board perish.
    All of the cheerleaders are standing at the pearly gates when saint Peter comes out. He tells them he's going to ask each one question. "Answer honestly" he says, "and recieve your heavenly reward."
    He asks the first cheerleader "have you ever touched a man's private parts?" She answers "once, with my finger." St. Peter says "place your finger in the holy water and pass thru the gates of heaven."
    He asks the second cheerleader " have you ever touched a man's private parts?" She answers " yes, with my whole hand." St. Peter says "place your hand in the holy water and pass thru the gates of heaven."
    As he approaches the third cheerleader a girl from the back of the line pushes and shoves her way to the front, yelling and screaming.
    St. Peter says "WHOA, WHOA, WHOA! What is all of the commotion?"
    The frantic cheerleader, pointing to the middle of the line replies "I'll be damned if I'm going to gargle all of that water after Kim sticks her ass in it!!"
     
  12. Apr 3, 2018 at 11:31 AM
    #12
    T500

    T500 # The Dark Side

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    MAN RULES


    AT LAST A GUY HAS TAKEN THE TIME TO WRITE THIS ALL DOWN

    FINALLY, the guys' side of the story.

    WE ALWAYS HEAR 'THE RULES' FROM THE FEMALE SIDE

    NOW HERE ARE THE RULES FROM THE MALE SIDE


    THESE ARE OUR RULES!


    PLEASE NOTE. THESE ARE ALL NUMBERED #1 ON PURPOSE!


    1. MEN ARE NOT MIND READERS.


    1. LEARN TO WORK THE TOILET SEAT. YOU'RE A BIG GIRL. IF IT'S UP, PUT IT DOWN. WE NEED IT UP, YOU NEED IT DOWN. YOU DON'T HEAR US COMPLAINING ABOUT YOU LEAVING IT DOWN.


    1. CRYING IS BLACKMAIL.


    1. ASK FOR WHAT YOU WANT. LET US BE CLEAR ON THIS ONE:


    SUBTLE HINTS DO NOT WORK!

    STRONG HINTS DO NOT WORK!

    OBVIOUS HINTS DO NOT WORK!

    JUST SAY IT!


    1. YES AND NO ARE PERFECTLY ACCEPTABLE ANSWERS TO ALMOST EVERY QUESTION.


    1.. COME TO US WITH A PROBLEM ONLY IF YOU WANT HELP SOLVING IT. THAT'S WHAT WE DO. SYMPATHY IS WHAT YOUR GIRLFRIENDS ARE FOR.


    1. ANYTHING WE SAID 6 MONTHS AGO IS INADMISSIBLE IN AN ARGUMENT. IN FACT, ALL COMMENTS BECOME NULL AND VOID AFTER 7 DAYS.


    1. IF YOU THINK YOU'RE FAT, YOU PROBABLY ARE. DON'T ASK US.


    1. IF SOMETHING WE SAID CAN BE INTERPRETED TWO WAYS AND ONE OF THE WAYS MAKES YOU SAD OR ANGRY, WE MEANT THE OTHER ONE.


    1. YOU CAN EITHER ASK US TO DO SOMETHING OR TELL US HOW YOU WANT IT DONE. NOT BOTH.

    IF YOU ALREADY KNOW BEST HOW TO DO IT, JUST DO IT YOURSELF.


    1. WHENEVER POSSIBLE, PLEASE SAY WHATEVER YOU HAVE TO SAY DURING COMMERCIALS.


    1. CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS DID NOT NEED DIRECTIONS AND NEITHER DO WE...


    1. ALL MEN SEE IN ONLY 16 COLORS, LIKE WINDOWS DEFAULT SETTINGS..

    PEACH, FOR EXAMPLE, IS A FRUIT, NOT A COLOR. PUMPKIN IS ALSO A FRUIT. WE HAVE NO IDEA WHAT MAUVE IS.


    1. IF WE ASK WHAT IS WRONG AND YOU SAY 'NOTHING,' WE WILL ACT LIKE NOTHING'S WRONG. WE KNOW YOU ARE LYING, BUT IT IS JUST NOT WORTH THE HASSLE.


    1. IF YOU ASK A QUESTION YOU DON'T WANT AN ANSWER TO, EXPECT AN ANSWER YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR..


    1. WHEN WE HAVE TO GO SOMEWHERE, ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING YOU WEAR IS FINE...REALLY.


    1.. DON'T ASK US WHAT WE'RE THINKING ABOUT UNLESS YOU ARE PREPARED TO DISCUSS SUCH TOPICS AS SCIENCE AND TECHNOLOGY, FOOTBALL OR MOTOR SPORTS.


    1. YOU HAVE ENOUGH CLOTHES.


    1 .. YOU HAVE TOO MANY SHOES.


    1. I AM IN SHAPE. ROUND IS A SHAPE!


    1.. THANK YOU FOR READING THIS. YES, I KNOW, I HAVE TO SLEEP ON THE COUCH TONIGHT.. BUT DID YOU KNOW MEN REALLY DON'T MIND THAT? IT'S LIKE CAMPING...
     
  13. Apr 3, 2018 at 11:32 AM
    #13
    T-Rex266

    T-Rex266 Moderator Staff Member

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    But not snow....we become one.
     
  14. Apr 3, 2018 at 11:34 AM
    #14
    T500

    T500 # The Dark Side

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    An Irish joke

    Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

    Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.' He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.
    Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money at all!'

    Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.'

    He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.
    Shamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!'
    Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't worry, I have a plan , Cheers! '

    They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'

    The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.

    They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.

    At the tenth pub Shamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing me!'
    Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I can't even remember which pub I lost the sausage at.'
     
    Omohundro, Bdebs, Ostrich and 19 others like this.
  15. Apr 3, 2018 at 11:41 AM
    #15
    ARamirez73

    ARamirez73 RÖCKIN' N RÖLLIN' WITH MY TÜNDRA CRÜE

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    :rofl:
     
    Trooper2 likes this.
  16. Apr 3, 2018 at 11:42 AM
    #16
    ARamirez73

    ARamirez73 RÖCKIN' N RÖLLIN' WITH MY TÜNDRA CRÜE

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    Rough Country 6" lift / 35x12.50R20 Cooper Discoverer ST Maxx/ 20x9 +20 Fuel wheels "Mavericks" (Came with) / S&B CAI/ 2-10" Rockford Fosgates R2/ Massive Audio Nano N2 amp (Came with)/ KatSkins seat covers (Came with)/ Weathertechs window vent visors and floor mats/ 1A-AUTO.com aftermarket tow mirrors/ Undercover tonneau bed cover/ Viper alarm 3305V/ Flowmaster Super 40 Dual in-out/ 40" led light bar/ TRD Pro grille/Rough Country 30" LED light bar/TRD rear sway bar/ Ranch Hand legend grille gaurd/ Nfab nurf bars/ 2019 PRO headlights
    Now that's a joke right there!
     
    SR5 AZUL and T500 like this.
  17. Apr 3, 2018 at 11:44 AM
    #17
    Black Wolf

    Black Wolf AMAROK, Inuit Stealthy Mythical Beast

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    Yeah become "one" big white frozen mass.... Next joke...hee hee hee...
     
  18. Apr 3, 2018 at 11:51 AM
    #18
    gosolo

    gosolo “The .com stands for communist”, Dale Gribble

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    Did y’all know that the first automobile is written about in the Bible?







    Yep, in Genesis, they got driven out in a Fury!
     
  19. Apr 3, 2018 at 11:53 AM
    #19
    gosolo

    gosolo “The .com stands for communist”, Dale Gribble

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    The second automobile is in the Bible too.





    New Testament, they all came together in one Accord!
     
  20. Apr 3, 2018 at 11:57 AM
    #20
    COMiamiFan

    COMiamiFan Wanna pet my Woobie?

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    A man takes his wife to the Dr. and says "Dr. My wife is injured please help her".
    "What happened?" said the Dr.
    The man says " we were golfing and I hit her in the back of her head with a golf ball".
    The Dr. takes her in to tend to her. A few minutes later the Dr. he comes back out and says "well, we took care of the hit on her head but we examined her further and found a golf ball in her ass".
    The man replies, "Yeah, that was my mulligan".
     
  21. Apr 3, 2018 at 12:09 PM
    #21
    nk1794

    nk1794 [OP] Always torque to spec

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    :rofl:
     
  22. Apr 3, 2018 at 12:14 PM
    #22
    buckeyes1975

    buckeyes1975 ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ ¯\_(ツ)_ /¯

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  23. Apr 3, 2018 at 12:15 PM
    #23
    Black Wolf

    Black Wolf AMAROK, Inuit Stealthy Mythical Beast

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    None
    What about the Pontiac Tempest???
     
    gosolo likes this.
  24. Apr 3, 2018 at 12:17 PM
    #24
    buckeyes1975

    buckeyes1975 ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ ¯\_(ツ)_ /¯

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  25. Apr 3, 2018 at 12:38 PM
    #25
    Grumpy Uncle

    Grumpy Uncle Pushing string down the hall

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    A guy walks into a bar and sees a horse sitting there
    He asks the bartender whats with the horse?
    Bartender says if you can get 2 reactions out of him I'll let you drink in here for free, for life.
    Guy walks over whispers in the horses ear and the horse starts Rolling on the floor laughing
    The bartender is surprised
    The guy waits for the horse to calm down then whispers in his ear again
    This time the horse starts crying
    the bartender is miffed, what did you say to him?
    I told him my junk was bigger than his
    How did you make him cry?
    I proved to him my junk was bigger than his
     
  26. Apr 3, 2018 at 12:45 PM
    #26
    Prostar 190

    Prostar 190 White is sooooo Slow!!! MGM RULES!

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    OH
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    Guy walks into a bar and throws a bag on the counter and orders a drink

    Bartender says what do you have in the bag guy says a 12-inch pianist....... bartender says
    Where did you get that

    Guy says I have a magic Genie........bartender asks do you mind if I make a wish...... Guy says no go ahead

    So the bartender rubs the lamp three times makes a wish........poof........ The bar is full of a million ducks

    Bartender says what the hell I didn't wish for a million ducks........ I wished for a million bucks.

    The guy tells him I forgot to tell you he's a little hard of hearing do you think I wished for a 12 inch pianist.
     
    Ostrich, Matty4wd, Istvank11 and 9 others like this.
  27. Apr 3, 2018 at 12:48 PM
    #27
    T500

    T500 # The Dark Side

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    :rofl:
     
  28. Apr 3, 2018 at 12:52 PM
    #28
    Prostar 190

    Prostar 190 White is sooooo Slow!!! MGM RULES!

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    A little boy was in the shower with his mother he looked up between her legs and asked.... Mom what what is that........ She says oh that's my sponge go outside and play


    The very next week mom had to have surgery so she had to shave...... later that day the boy got in the shower with his mother looked up between her legs again....... The boy says mom what happened to your sponge

    Mom says oh I must have lost it......go outside and play

    An hour and a half goes by and the boy comes running back in the house screaming and hollering....MOM ..MOM....mom says what's the matter son.... The boy says Mom I found your sponge..... Mom asks where is it at..... The boy proceeds to tell to her that the neighbor lady is washing Dad's face with it.
     
  29. Apr 3, 2018 at 12:54 PM
    #29
    Casper3

    Casper3 Slow down, let the MGM's catch up.

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    What do women and noodles have in common?
     
    Prostar 190 and nk1794 [OP] like this.
  30. Apr 3, 2018 at 12:55 PM
    #30
    nk1794

    nk1794 [OP] Always torque to spec

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    What?
     

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