I might be a Jerk...

A cell phone in an upscale gym locker room in NYC rings and the man puts it on loud speaker next to him … everyone else in the room stops to listen):

Man : Hello?
Woman : Hi honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?
Man : Yes.
Woman : I’m out shopping and found a beautiful leather coat. It’s only $2,000 – is it OK if I buy it?
Man : Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.
Woman : I also stopped by that new Lexus dealership and saw one of the new models I really like – it’s on an opening special.
Man : How much?
Woman : $90,000.
Man : Wow! OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.
Woman : Great! Oh, and one more thing … I was just talking to Jamie and found out that the house we wanted to buy last year is back on the market … they’re asking $980,000 for it. Remember it was well over a million when we looked at it?
Man : I dunno. Make an offer for $900,000 and they’ll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra $80,000 if that’s what you really want.
Woman : OK. I’ll see you later! I love you so much!
Man : I love you too.

(The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room were staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.) The man turns around and says : “Anyone know whose phone this is”?

 

A man is sitting on the hood in a no-parking zone:

Cop: Sir do you realize you're in a no-parking zone?
Man: Am I? Oh well.
Cop: I'm going to have to issue a ticket for that.
Man: Like I give a shit, pig.
Cop: Excuse me? Do you want me to start nit-picking this vehicle for everything I can find?
Man: I don't think you have the balls.
Cop: Fine. *cracks taillight with night stick* Broken taillight. Care to continue?
Man: Don't you have some minorities to harass?
Cop: * breaks off driver's side mirror * Illegal side mirror. I'd suggest not pushing me any further.
Man: Oh go eat a donut and beat your wife.
Cop: That's IT! I'm impounding your car!
* man walks away as the tow truck hauls the car off *
Bystander: You're not bothered that your car just got impounded?
Man: Naw. That was my ex-wife's car.

 

Why do women wear make up and perfume?

Because they are ugly and they stink.