Funny FB quotes.....

Everyone has those funny ass people in their lives. You might be the funny person....

Share that shit!!!

***disclaimer:

You know the rules, and most act at least 14 years old on here including myself and know better. Quote with caution.

***

Here are some of today's gems:

My friend came over visibly shaken. He said he had just slept with his 3rd cousin. I told him, "if it upsets you that much, quit counting them."

Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hike-able mountain and no one went to check.

I've always wanted to climb Mt. Everest... just not more than I don't want to.

Loving someone who doesn't love you back is like hugging a cactus. The tighter you hold on. The more it hurts.

I really feel as though 'common sense' should be referred to as 'the sense formerly known as common'.

"Hey Bro, really sorry about the divorce." - how the salesman greets someone looking at a Toyota Yaris

 

I woke up hungover to the sound of my neighbor mowing the lawn. I figure he'll just have to mow around me. I'm not moving.

I don't buy that everyone thinks their kid is cute. There has to be a few that look at their new baby & think, "Shit. He better be funny."

I'm meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said she will be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.

I love my 'six pack' abs so much that I built a layer of fat around them for protection.

Life is like a bowel movement, it's still gonna happen whether your shit's together or not.

 

I wish I was as fat as the first time I thought I was fat.

If your girlfriend's mad at you, get a towel and put it around her neck, like a cape, and say "Now you're Supermad"!

Is it just me or is Sylvester Stallone looking more and more like a G.I. Joe action figure that has been put in the microwave on high for 20 minutes?

I bet deaf people scare bank tellers when they hand them a note.

Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.

Let's be honest... Gay Divorce Court would be the best thing to happen to daytime TV in the history of ever.

Are you Martin Luther King Jr.? No? Well then shut up. No one wants to hear about your dream last night.

Hummingbirds are just regular birds that can't remember the lyrics.

When I’m at a restaurant I like to ask the waiter, “What’s your most frequently photographed entree?

You're not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.

I had one of those lazy days today sitting around in my underwear looking for jobs online. My boss was furious.

I'm not sure what my spirit animal is, but I'm sure it has Rabies.

 

So. Using. This

 

Boyfriend break up with you?
There's a cat for that.

Valentine's Day was created by a woman that didn't get all the stuff she wanted for Christmas.

I don't always roll a joint... but when I do, it's my ankle.

I'm more of a dog person because if I have to feed something and clean up its crap I want it to be obsessed with me.

Me: What do you think of my posts?
Her: They're all pretty terrible.
Me: What! Don't you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Her: You're consistent.

Good luck trying to kill me. My will to live long enough to delete my browser history and burn the unsent letters to my ex-girlfriend is strong!

Most days I feel like three kids stacked up on each others shoulders, covered by a huge coat, trying to pass as one of these 'grown-ups'.

I've never watched any of the Hunger Games movies... but I have been to Trader Joe's the day before the Super Bowl.

 

I used that one on FB today.

 

With the right music, you either forget everything or you remember everything.

I would explain it to you again, but I am fresh out of puppets and crayons.

Once in a while you meet a person that makes you smile when you think about them. They're trouble. Stay away from them.

"People should just mind their own business," is probably the funniest thing I've ever read on a social networking site.

My high school girlfriend never "officially" broke up with me, and I just found out she's cheating on me with her husband and two kids.

How to live a happy life: 1) Do whatever you want, whenever you want 2) Don't worry 3) Eat whatever you want 4) Don't take advice from weirdos on the internet.

 

"Having too much sex can lead to memory loss."
I read that on page 248 of the March 2007 issue of the California Journal of Medicine. I remember it was 4:13 pm on a sunny Tuesday afternoon.

(Out on a first date at a Chinese Restaurant)
My date: "So are you more of a dog or a cat person?"
Me (looking at the menu): Actually I was thinking Kung Pao Chicken but feel free to get whatever you want."

Can't wait to see the movie Clint Eastwood is producing about NBC news anchor Bryan Williams Iraq combat experience.

Apparently some members of the Westboro Baptist Church were outside a theater when the marquee gave way and came crashing down injuring several of them during their protest. Witnesses overhead many of the members muttering to themselves, "It must be a sign".

Of all the utensils that were invented to eat rice with...
How the heck did two sticks win?

 

Why would I dance like nobody's watching? People need to see this.

My Pancakes brings all the girls to the yard and they're like, 'What's burning?'

Sex with some people can make you feel like you're in Paradise. Sex with others... Detroit.

My Facebook movie is already in the 99 cent bin at local gas station.

When a woman asks, what are you thinking? That's a trick question, don't be fooled. Just shut up and turn the tables on her and ask her how she got so beautiful.

 

If you've ever wondered why an animal is stupid enough to run into oncoming traffic on the highway, then you've obviously never been married.

Dogs spend a lot of their time trying to hump stuff, eating, & trying to figure out what's going on & I can relate to that a lot more than I'm comfortable with.

My grandfather was a shepherd.
I remember once he said to me. 'Can you help me round up these sheep?'
I said 'How many are there Grandpa?'
He said "47."
I said "Oh, okay, that's easy - 50."

Do you want to volunteer your time in exchange for vague promises of potential future rewards? If so, you should either get an unpaid internship or simply date me.

My girlfriend must have some big surprise vacation planned. She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.

Next time you're in a hospital elevator, calmly ask a stranger if they know what floor you should get off at for infectious diseases...

 

You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can't flick your friends out the car window...

Any bowl can be a Super Bowl if you fill it with Guacamole.

Some days, I practice positive thinking. Other days, I'm not positive I am thinking.

 

My psychiatrist says we need to work on my intimacy issues but then she's always the one who refuses to snuggle with me on her couch.

I find being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying "the economy" a lot.

If you say "swag" in the mirror 3 times a white boy with a bowl haircut & snapback will appear & rap a 2 Chainz song.

Before I joined The Navy, I didn't know what I was doing with my life, but now I'm confident I have no idea what I'm doing.

 

I hate when TV shows say they contain "adult situations" but no one is shown cleaning the house, going to work, washing dishes, falling asleep on the couch alone or paying their bills online.

 

I've never met a group of people more worried about their 'privacy' than the people on Facebook that share EVERYTHING about themselves.

I've been chatting with this 16 year old girl online. Shes funny, flirty and very beautiful.
Now she's telling me shes an undercover cop. How cool is that for someone her age?

I think my mailman might be stealing my Nigerian lottery checks!

My girlfriend left a note for me to marinade the chicken but I'm hesitant as I'm pretty shy when it comes to singing.

One time my ex-wife was in the bathroom for hours getting dressed to go out when finally she swung open the door and asked "So tell me honestly, do I look fat in this?". I replied "Yes Sweetie, but to be fair, it’s a small bathroom".